when i was young

when i was young,
i flew on a rainbow
i flew throught the sky.
i flew like a bird
when i was young
the sun shone so much brighter
each prayer was accepted
each wish was heard

when i was small
i had no cares and no worries
my joys and my love
raising up,
oh so high
the dark clouds were none
each second i knew it
my secrets, my soul
undisturbed they still lie

follow the scents
the sweet scents of the spices
the meandering paths up the mountain side
the snow topped peaks
and the bird's burst of song
though i try to run
i know i can't hide

i'm running i'm running
through thick woods of pine
i following a path
leading me home
i'm slowing, i'm stopping
one step at a time
when i look around
i am all alone.




(i wasn't sure which category to put this in, so i put it in this one?)

um...somebody comment...please?

when I was young,
I flew on a rainbow.
I flew throught the sky.
I flew like a bird.
when I was young,
the sun shone so much brighter.
each prayer was accepted.
each wish was heard.

when I was small,
I had no cares and no worries.
my joys and my love
raising up,
oh so high;
the dark clouds were none(no such a thing)
each second I knew it-
my secrets, my soul
undisturbed they still lie.

follow the scents,
the sweet scents of the spices.
the meandering paths up the mountain side,
the snow topped peaks-
and the bird's burst of song.
though I try to run-
I know I can't hide.

I'm running, I'm running
through thick woods of pine-
following a path,
leading me home.
I'm slowing, I'm stopping
one step at a time.
when I look around-
I am all alone.

Ah, I'm actually rather excited about this piece!

Now, first off, I'd like to note that you're already on your way to becoming a fantastic poet. You're creating metaphor where most young writers usually lack it and you have a theme which you stick to the entire way through. I actually smiled to myself reading this simply because of that fact that you're trying and that's a beautiful thing.

But, of course, reviewing is necessary so I will do so!

Now, as much as I love the growth here, what made this seem a bit... childish was the way of which you take a metaphor but you don't necessarily stick with it. You throw in many different metaphors in a way of trying to create something whimsical but only end up not really connecting anything so it all turns into a jumble of losing ones childish innocence.

So, what I'm going to say is start connecting your metaphors. Giving ones that make sense next to each other, or better yet, why don't you simply start using extended metaphor? Take one of the many, work with it, and you'll have something rather interesting on your hands. Until you can really start using your diction and your imagery a little better, this will look a little bit on the sloppy side.

Of course, you're still growing and your writing will only get stronger from this point on.

That and don't use similes unless necessary. Words such as 'like' and 'as' will take away from the overall impression I'm sure you're trying to give. So be a little more careful with those and this will come across a little more smoothly.

Your flow was decent and the size of your stanza's were nice. Simply speaking, you're on your way to becoming a poet!
~Walker

Great poem, kind of like the way I feel now, just wish we could go back to when I was very young.There are a lot of capitalization errors, I'll make corrections on the last stanza but you should revise the capitalization used on the rest;
"I'm running, I'm running
Through thick woods of pine
Following a path,
Leading me home.
I'm slowing, stopping
One step at a time.
When I look around-
I am all alone.
Keep writing!

Hey there! Awesome poem you have here! It seems simple at the beginning, but it gets deeper into a more symbolic piece.
One thing that I think you should work on with your poetry is punctuation.

W All letters at the beginnings of lines need capitalized.hen iAll the I's need capitalized. was young,
i flew on a rainbow
i flew throughout the sky.
i flew like a bird; Maybe a semicolon here?
when i was young, you need a comma here
the sun shone so much brighter
each prayer was accepted
each wish was heardI think you need a period here since you're ending the stanza as well as the sentence.

when i was smallNeed a comma here.
i had no cares and no worriesetc. etc.
my joys and my love
raising up,
oh so high
the dark clouds were none
each second i knew it
my secrets, my soul
undisturbed they still lie

follow the scents
the sweet scents of the spices
the meandering paths up the mountain side
the snow topped peaks
and the bird's burst of song
though i try to run
i know i can't hide

i'm running i'm running
through thick woods of pine
i following a path
leading me home
i'm slowing, i'm stopping
one step at a time
when i look around
i am all alone.

I just bolded a few things at the beginning that needed fixed really quickly. They kind of repeat themselves through the rest of the stanzas, so I didn't bold everything. Punctuation definitely needs to be edited. Other than that, let me explain a few other things that I noticed.
I get a little confused around the third stanza when you change tense. I can't really tell how far in the future from the first couple stanzas this is, or if it's in the future at all. If this were clearer, it would make this poem immensely better.
I love the ending. It's really sad but....I'm not really sure how to explain it. It's really powerful.
Other than the punctuation and capitalization, very well done!
Keep writing!
~Devan

Oooh, this is good I like it. It shows how carefree and naive we can be when we're little. All happy and bouncy and everything.

And the last part, well the way I saw it, showed that after your childhood you can't ever go back. It's a place that you can't return to now matter how hard you try.

It's great! Keep writing!