Spoiler
Princess Peach was kidnapped and Josh has agreed to save her. King Toadstool has promised Josh the aid of his son, Tick, who would work as his guide.
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The doors did indeed lead out into the courtyard. I grunted with exertion as I pushed the doors to, effectively cutting out the noises of the panic fest going on inside. I rested my back on the door and held my eyes shut, my arms crossed on my chest. I didn't bother with the whys, and too much wierd stuff had happened to deny the truth of matters; I settled on contemplating the hows. Sure, it's easy to promise saving a princess when you have a horde of psychotic mushrooms running amock. The hard part is fulfilling that promise when the time comes and bites you hard.
I put together everything I knew. Whomever kidnapped Peach had had the physical strength to break through a sturdy roof. The kidnapper also must have had some sort of motive to kidnap her; people don't do kidnappings just for the heck of it in games. 'Cause that's what this was, a game. A sick, twisted, demented game, but a game none-the-less. All I had to do was beat it, and maybe then I could get home. If not, well, I guess living with Princess Peach wouldn't be such a bad thing.
So, everything could logically point to none other than Mr. Bowser himself. I told you so, didn't I? I sighed. Breaking into his castle wasn't going to be easy. On the other hand, everyone thought I was Mario. Which, logically speaking once again, would mean I had his 'powers', if you will. That would explain the lack of pain. So, if everything - from room temperature to humidity, went in my favor - Bowser slapping me all over granite walls wasn't going to hurt. That's gotta count for something.
”This can't end well,” I groaned and heaved myself off the door. Well, looking on the bright side, maybe this Tick-person-mushroom actually knew his way to Bowser's place. That'd be a start. I decided to head to the main gate to await the coming of King Toadstool's son.
The walk did me good. The courtyard was a wondrous place in all honesty. Giant hedges rose from the ground, casting cool shades among the smaller trees and bushes and flowers that grew all around. There were trees bearing exotic looking fruits; there were even flowers taller than me that seemed to dangle some fruits of sorts. When I glanced up, I noticed a peculiarity that had escaped me before. Two suns inhabited the space above the ground, one on top of the other. One would think that their combined heat would be unbearable, but the temperature was just right, not too hot and not too cold.
When I broke through the lustrous gardens and emerged underneath an ornate archway, I was feeling much better. A hint of a smile was creeping onto my face, and when I noticed it, I let it spread across my visage, revelling in the warmth of it. I lay down on the grass by the arch and gazed at the sky. Might as well enjoy these last minutes I had to myself. Only God knew when I'd be able to relax again. Unfortunately, God also knew my brief respite was over.
A shadow loomed over me, and its flat, shrill voice stole away my smile. ”You.”
No, please, I thought, Please, please, don't let it be...
”Cornelious,” I stated aloud as I looked at the mushroom standing beside me, the name like venom on my lips. ”You're the King's son? That bastard tricked me, he said your name was Tick! Agh, I hate my damn luck! Get lost, you freaky vermin, I've had more than enough of you.”
”My name is Tick and you're the freak-freak! As much as I'd like to, I can't go losing myself. Papa said I had to escort you and what Papa says, Papa means!” the mushroom yelled back.
”Well you can go tell your Papa to go fu- wait. You really are Tick?”
”Of course I'm Tick, you stupid freak!”
I frowned. ”Then who in the blazes is Cornelious?” I asked, regretting nigh immediately.
Tick smiled a gastly smile. It reached behind its back. No, no... I closed my eyes and willed it all away. No!
”Say hello to Cornelious, freak!”
I smelt the pungent waft of air that accompanied the emerging of the devil-'possum and I bolted off in the opposite direction, getting up faster than a male porn star. My heels drummed faster than my heart as I fled Tick and that monstrous stick of its; a shout of pure frustration ripped out of my chest, slicing through the air and causing what I hoped were birds to fly off with upset caws.
”Why, why, why, why, why, why?” I yelled into the picture perfect sky, with its two magnificent suns. ”Why do you torment me so? Why?” All the whys I restrained before flooded out of me. This was not fair, this was too much, too much bull shit. I fell to my knees and buried my face in my hands. I didn't cry, oh no, I just was, and it was worse than any acidic tear I could have squinted out.
”That was awfilly-dilly rude! You're a bad freak! A bad, bad, rotten freak! Cornelious smells bad people and you smell bad millions of years away!”
”Shut. Up.” I snarled through my hands, or mumbled, depends on the perspective.
By magic, the mushroom shut up. I let out a long breath. I'd never get back at this rate. It's time to get a grip, I counciled myself, Time to get a grip and start solving this mess. Might as well start by getting used to the fact that I was stuck to a maniacial mushroom for the rest of my time in Mario-world. I lifted my chin up. ”Thank you. Now, I know we have our differences, but the princess is in danger. I say, let's put aside – what the hell do you think you're doing?”
The idiotic mushroom was apparently holding a semi-final staring contest with its BFF, the dead 'possum with a stick up its ass. I walked over to them and waved a hand between the two. Surprisingly, my hand came back unscathed, but neither of the two looked away.
”Hullo?” I poked Tick in its capped head. ”You there, dumb-dumb?”
It slowly locked eyes with me, expressionless. I stared back, bewildered. The seconds passed and still Tick just stared at me, eyes dull as my mother's cooking. I stared right back into that abyss, refusing to back down. My eyes started watering from the effort of keeping them open. The dull pain behind my eyelids grew and grew until it got to the point I had to blink or else I never could have blinked again. Tick's face brightened instantly.
”Hahaa, did you see that Cornelious? I won the freak! I won, I won, I won, I won! Hiphey, the freak has been vanquished!” it squealed and danced around, clutching the 'possum to its chest.
”Hmm? What is that, Cornelious? That I should congratulate him? Aww, but I don't want to... Oh alright...” Tick turned to me, solemn. ”Cornelious says I have to congratulate you, for no-one else has ever lasted as long as you did.”
Wow. I bet you've never been congratulated by a dead opossum. ”Err... Thanks, I guess?”
The mushroom grinned at me. ”I don't know what congratulate means, but you sure did suck!”
It just had to ruin it, didn't it... I rolled my eyes in exasperation. ”Yes, okay. I sucked. Now, which way leads to Bowser's place?”
”Which way leads to Bowser's place?”
”That was my question, yes.”
”That was my question, yes,” Tick copied with a humangous grin.
”Stop copying me!”
”I'm not copying you, you're copying me,” it retorted.
”How can I copy you, if I spoke first?” I asked angrily.
”I don't know, do tell me. I really wanna know! That's quite a skill!”
”I am not copying you, all right? I just want to know which way I have to go to get to Bowser's castle!”
Tick pointed to the left. I sighted down the road, seeing nothing but a really long gravel path. Well, of course it can't be easy; that would just be retarded. I started down the road, but stopped after a few meters. I looked back at Tick, who was just standing there.
”Aren't you coming?” I asked it, annoyed.
”I won't come the wrong way,” it answered like I was a stupid toddler.
”Then why the hell did you point this way? Is this a damn game to you? The princess could be in serious danger! Peach could be in serious danger, do you understand that, you idiot? Don't you care?”
Tick looked at me with an expression that implied I was brain-dead as well as a toddler. ”I was going to say any way but that way, but then you just stomped off.” It cocked its head. ”You aren't a very smart freak, are you?”
I gritted my teeth. ”I am not a freak, okay? I'm a human. You're a talking mushroom. You are the freak.”
”A mushroom?” Tick said, disgusted. ”I am not a filthy mushroom! I am a Toad, you stupid freak!”
”Well excuse me while I go cry a damn river. My point is that you are the unnormal one; I am normal, hence not a freak!”
”Unnormal isn't a word. And you would do best to cry a fucking lake, you freak,” Tick said with undisguised malice in its tone.
Uh oh. I may be thick at times, but I know when I've screwed up big time. And when a cuckoo mushroom starts swearing – and meaning it – you really have screwed up. Best part was, I knew I needed to be on that cuckoo's good side if I had any chance of survival. ”Tick... I'm sorry if I offended you with the mushroom thing. I didn't know there was such a vast difference between the two words.”
Tick looked at me for an eternity-packed moment. It opened its mouth to speak but then turned to Cornelious the opossum on what seemed a whim. They looked a while at each other. I looked closer and I could have sworn I saw the 'possum's limp lips move in silent speech. Insanity truly is contagious, I thought ruefully. The moment passed and Tick met my eyes squarely. ”You aren't Mario, are you? You look like him, talk like him, but you aren't him. The real Mario wouldn't have done the things you've done, wouldn't have said the things you've said. You're just a freak. A freak that doesn't belong.”
A keen intellect had forced its way through the layers of insanity and for a moment, I saw the Toad in front of me as an equal. I saw the stubby mushroom as I would a fellow human, complete with feelings and a soul. My new-found respect for the Toad didn't blunt the edge of the steaming hot blade those words dug into my flesh. A freak that doesn't belong. Suppressed memories fought their way to the surface.
A circle of pushing hands and leering faces. The stench of sweat and damaged egos. The trembling of scrawny limbs that had sought to carry the slight form they supported. The bruises that had blossomed like flowers in winter's cold grasp. The words that had slammed the life out of that frail form, like that truck that had slammed the life out of Father. A freak, and a small freak too! Why don't you go cry to Daddy, freak? Freak... Freak... Just a freak with no place in this world.
”I am not a freak!” I yelled, punching Tick straight in the face. With a roar, I jumped on it, and lifted a knotted fist with every intention to bring it crashing down on the Toad. At the last moment, I saw the crazed terror that had replaced that coolness of thought, and I saw my own face reflected up at me. I gasped out a shocked lungful of air and rolled off of Tick and onto my back in the rough gravel. I tried to throw the memories away, but they wouldn't budge, wouldn't shift a single inch. I forced my breathing to calmness, and focused on every warm inhalation. I pushed the memories back into the depths of my mind, one grinding sensation at a time.
”I'm... I'm sorry, Tick,” I huffed out. ”Bad, just bad memories. That's all.”
”Don't be sorry, stupid! That was fun! Let's wrestle again, dumb-dumb!” Tick's cheery voice sang out.
I lifted myself onto my elbows and stared at Tick, just stared in utter amazement once more. The maniac was clapping its – no, not its, his – hands in joy and chuckling outloud. ”Again! Again!” he shouted. It seemed he had forgotten all about his barrage of highly disturbing questions, which, to be honest, was more than fine with me.
At that moment I realized I would never, ever be bored around Tick. I watched him laugh and I noticed myself grinning wearily. Before I knew it, I had thrown back my head and a rich laugh bubbled out of me. I laughed at my sad fate; I laughed at my bad luck; I laughed at the hilariousity of the situation, but most of all, I laughed at my stupid, dumb self. And that's something everyone should be able to do when the time comes, because it helps you stand the situation better - and everyone is stupid and dumb sometimes. Don't you go kidding yourself otherwise, dumb-dumb.
When I finally disengaged my exhausted mind from the feat of laughing, I looked over at Tick, who was busy playing with a blade of grass.
”So, which way is the shortest to get to Bowser?”
He looked up from the ground. ”Why would you want to get there fast? Usually people don't even wanna go there at all.”
”I have reason to believe that he was the one who kidnapped Peach, so the quicker we get there, the quicker we might be able to save her.”
Tick thought for a moment. It looked like it wasn't as easy as it seemed. Thinking to him, that is. He shrugged. ”Guess that's a reason. Over there, through that pipe.”
”Pipe?” I asked, looking the way Tick jerked his head to. ”Oh, never mind. Obviously we go through a pipe,” I answered myself, sighting the thick green pipe that I could recognize in my sleep. Mario went through them, so maybe I could work those pipes too. Cough. No homo.
”Well, better get going then. The princess ain't gonna save herself, not by a long shot.” I got up and stretched.
Time to pump some pipes, slap a giant turtle cross its visage, and deliver a princess into my bed - well her bed – and escape back to reality. I don't mean to brag, but just a normal day in the life of Josh the super hero. Mybe if I say that enough times, I'll start believing it myself.
