Touch Of Stone: Prologue

She held the child close, wanting desperately to keep it in her arms, but knowing it would never be safe if she did. She stroked the childs cheek, the daughter that had been born to her three months prior. The childs wisps of black hair were curly, and her skin a pale peach. Her eyes were a bright ice-blue, the same eyes as her mother.
For only a moment were they safe.
Only a moment.
Thats all she needed.
Turning the corner of the hedge, her feet hardly tapping the ground as she ran, she caught sight of the mansion at the end of the drive. It rose high above the garden and the pond. Its walls were a dark reddish stone. Once at the door, she rang the bell, her child heavy in her sweating arms.
“Die!” a voice cried from behind her.
Turning to glance at the road, she noticed the young man running towards her with a pistol in his hand. The young man who had chased her from Africa to here, a small secluded town in the U.S. The young man intent on killing her. The door opened and light poured onto the child and her. A young maid stood before her, surprised and confused at the sweaty and dirty woman at the door. She thrust her child into the arms of the maid and grabbed her neck to pull her forwards.
“Her name is Saboran Marie, treat her well. Take this, hide it until she comes of age, then tell her to pass it down through her family. Keep her healthy, keep it hidden. Don't be scared of her,” she whispered into the maids ear as she handed her a scarlet envelope with a bulge in it. Letting go, she kissed the child on the forehead.
Then she turned to face the approaching man and raised her arms.
“I am not afraid! I am not evil!”
The man glared at her, raised his hand, and pulled the trigger. The maid screamed as the woman fell to the ground before her, eyes open, blood soaking into the grass. Her words still echoed in the maids mind, over and over again.
Keep her healthy, keep it hidden.
Don't be scared of her.

Hello,
Here to review; let's start with grammatical errors if there are any.

*Writing style* I don't like the repitition of its in this first paragraph. Since the baby is a girl replace some of those its with a pronoun.

But thats all she needed.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction. Conjunctions trigger fragments because they follow commas in combining two complete sentences together. List of conjunctions: For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So. In this case just take the word but away; you don't need it.

The young man intent on killing her.

This isn't a complete sentence because there is no verb. Try adding the word was after man.

This was an amazing beginning to a novel. Your style of writing was beautiful. I hope this helps. If you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask.

Have a great day,
Tiffany

Hello.

The bad: First off, was the double spacing really nessisary? Second, when the woman's voice is echoing in the maid's mind, it should be in "quotes" and italics.Third, You should double-check the punctuation. There's a few punctuation errors. Fourth, the title? You need a title, pronto.

The good: First, the beginning was perfect. Action from the start! Second, nice use of imagery. Though, describe the senery better next time. Third, it was well-written. No gramma or spelling mistakes.

All in all, it was a good poem. Take the bad and mke it good.

Good job. Keep writting.

- Ariel<'3

I also think you did a great job with the beginning and really drew your reader in. I just hope you clear some things up in the next chapter because for now I'm completely confused on what's going on.

One thing that really bothered me:

She held the child close, wanting desperately to keep it in her arms, but knowing it would never be safe if she did. She stroked the childs cheek, the daughter that had been born to her three months prior. Its wisps of black hair were curly, and its skin a pale peach. Its eyes were a bright ice-blue. The same eyes as its mother.

Who calls a child it? I'm sorry but it should be she. This baby is a human being, not an it. That's all I wanted to to say

Overall great work and like previous posts said, figure out a title and correct some grammar errors and you have a great start.

Thank you all, and yes, the next few chapters will be very forthcoming. ANd for some reason, my italics thing doesn't work. SO the last two sentances are in italics, just not here.

Hey Emmy, Stella here as promised! I don't do poetry, so I'm afraid this is going to have to do...

I. NITPICKS

She stroked the childs cheek,

child's

the daughter that had been born to her three months prior.

This just seems awkward. Try and rephrase...

The childs wisps of black hair were curly,

Again, child's.

Thats all she needed.

That's

she whispered into the maids ear as she handed her a scarlet envelope with a bulge in it.

Again with the apostrophes. maid's.

Her words still echoed in the maids mind, over and over again.

And again here...

I think, before anything, you should read this very useful article on apostrophes...

II. DIALOGUE

The speech at the end here. I don't know if you're attempting to be surreal or not, but it really annoys me that she can say all this and yet the maid doesn't say anything- doesn't even try to say anything. She doesn't cry out when she sees the guy with the pistol, doesn't seem shocked at this woman on the doorstep with a baby. Is the woman connected to the house? I'm guessing not, so you'd think the maid would have a bit more to say about the stranger handing her a baby. Plus, if you're running for your life- and your daughter's- then surely you don't have time to say a whole speech. Your speech is going to be ragged and not particularly aesthetic.

Basically, I think that the end here could be much stronger if you turn the maid herself into a real person. Not to mention, considering the mother dies here, just that inch more of her personality. Otherwise, how can we be sorry she's dead?

III. OVERALL

Needless to say, this is a great opening, the conflict and the hook are both perfect. I just think it could use a little more depth.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Ooh good. I like how you start it off, you know, with the mother being chased and the daughter is just a little baby. It leaves the readers wondering what's going to happen. Off to read the next chapter.