You Can't Cheat Death

I was sick of listening to the beats of my heart. I mean, sure, it was nice to know it was there, but the bip! bip! bip! was really getting on my nerves.

I was very aware of my heart these days. As if I even needed the reminder.

I stuffed my face in the pillow, sneaking a peek at the window. Above it was a sign all my friends had made me, with pink glitters (Ashley's doing, no doubt) and huge, bold letters that said 'Get Well Soon'. Fat chance.

The white curtains were bellowing softly, hiding the large sun. It was a perfect, sunny day, with the skies blue and endless and birds chirping around like crazy. And I was dying.

Everyone made such a big deal out of it. Mom and Dad, and Grandma, too... but I didn't. I obediently let the docs poke me with needles all they wanted, gave my mother hugs whenever she would let me, and rhymed poems in my head along with the dratted beating of my heart. Rare heart conditions don't have a huge survivor's rate. It had its upsides, too, though - I got off P.E. since grade school. The look on Ashley's face had been priceless every time she rounded another lap and spotted me sitting on the curb with a smug grin. Not that I would actually get to go to high school again.

I closed my eyes, basking in the warmth of the sunlight, realizing I might not have many more days like these... I wrinkled my nose. That was okay. It was getting too hot anyways.

Someone cleared their throat.

I suprassed a moan. Everyone in the staff insisted on being super attentive and nice to me, which was somewhat irritating. I mean, I haven't been the most accomodating person this last few months, and they were only nice to me because I was going to kick the bucket real soon. I can't really explain it, but it was offensive.

I rolled to my side slowly and opened my eyes. "You're not on the staff," were the first words that popped through my mouth.

The teenage youth sat slumped on a chair, his legs propped up middle-eastern style. His dirty blonde hair fell into his eyes, covering his forehead. Briefly, I wondered if it annoyed him. He made no move to tame it. "No, I dare say I'm not," he said softly. "Melanie, my name's Dane, it's nice to finally meet you."

"Finally?" I repeated, not over looking the fact he knew my name. A hot guy was "finally" meeting me - and he was definitely hot, even if not in the conservative way; his chin was sharp and his cheekbones tall, his shoulders and arms possesing a wiry sort of muscle, easily seen through his long sleeved T-shirt. I knew I should have been excited (or at least Ashley would have said so), but something about him sent shivers up my spine. I sort of hoped the nurse would walk in on us and kick him out, saying I needed rest or some other lame excuse.

"Yes, finally. You've been on the brink of death so many times this past month... I always had to be just around the corner." He flashed me a smile, though it didn't seem happy. "The old ticker's not doing so well, is it?" Dane gestured with his head at my chest, but kept his eyes on level with mine.

I tucked a strand of loose, chocolate colored hair behind my ear absentmindedly, trying to breathe. "No, but then, it was never at the peak of condition," I managed, my voice faint. My heart felt too tight in my cehst. The bip-ing sound was getting louder and faster in my ears, and I realized what was going to happen with a sudden jolt.

Dane's gaze softened at my expression. "Don't worry," he whispered, "It doesn't hurt."

His words managed to soothe me some, and I could feel my muscles relax, though the beep-ing didn't let up. I gulped. "It doesn't?"

He shook his head. "Not at all. And it's really nice... you know, beyond. Not that I ever got through the gate, I'm just the messanger - but I did get a peek a couple of times." He flashed me two rows of perfect teeth. "It's great. You're going to love it."

I nodded, and took another big breath. I was used to a little extra pressure from my heart. "So... do you just wait for me to die? Or is there some kind of ceremony?" I looked around expectantly, then frowned. "You don't have the big scythe thing with you? Huh. Well, that's upsetting."

A look of confusion danced across Dane's handsome face for a fraction of a second. "You're a curious one, you know that?"

I shrugged. "I never knew that it would be today, though. I thought I had a little more time."

It was Dane's turn to shrug. "Medicine isn't really an exact science."

"You can say that again," I laughed. "Alright then, take me. I'm all ready to die."

His eyes turned to slits. "You can't mean that. You just said you had a little more time! You were definitely planning to do something with it, weren't you?"

I thought about that for a moment. "Nope, not really. Just waiting around to die, I guess. Ooh, I would eat more of that chocolate cake down on Baker street. And I'd give Ashley my teddy bear. But, well, that's pretty much it."

Dane started shaking his head. "No, that can't be. You must have something you wish for."

Something I wish for...? Death lingered around me so often ever since I was born, I never really gave it much thought.

"Being popular?" Dane offered.

I made gagging noises. "Uh, no, thank you."

"Making a lot of money?"

"Nope."

"Kissing a boy?"

Two red blotches appeared on both my cheeks. "H-How do you know I haven't already kissed one?"

Dane rolled his eyes. "I can tell," was all he said.

I took real offence in that. It was probably the heated anger that made me lash out. "Well, yes, there are some things I still want to do: I want to have fun with my friends, real fun like I was never allowed to have, like going on rollercoasters and watching scary movies! I want to be closer to my family but my own mother won't let me touch her for more than five seconds, and I want to go on hikes and excersize and just be blown away by nature. And yes, if possible, I would like to kiss a boy," I added stiffly. "But not everyone gets everything in life. Now come on, wasn't I in the middle of dying here?"

Dane's brow creased. "What if I said I can make it come true? Three wishes, that is."

"Then you'd be lying," I said quickly, but mainly just to cover up the fact my heart was acting up. It was aching in my chest, really uncomfortable.

"I can, but the question is, do you want me to? You're still so young. It would be such a waste to let you depart from this world like this..." He bit his lower lip.

"And delay going to heaven?" I said through gasps, but mainly because my breath was coming unevenly.

A look of alarm took over Dane's face. "Melanie, you have to choose quickly!"

The edges of the room shimmered, and then started blacking out, and I remembered this feeling as fainting. My family's faces flashed before my eyes, and all of my friend's faces, too, in one big blurr. Suddenly, I felt like I wanted to cry. Which was very odd with the numbing powers of the fainting. "I do. I want some more time..."

Suddenly, I saw Dane sticking his face infront of me, his mouth in a crooked grin and his eyes bright. "No problem," he cackled, and I got another bad feeling, just like when I first met him. "Just remember, Melanie... You can't cheat death."

And with that, he dissappeared, and everything went dark.

Hey-oh! Welcome to YWS! I'm Gryph and I'll be your reviewer today!

This hooked me. Really quickly. I lovedlovedloved your first few lines. Way to smash a cliche to bits. I love how your character is somewhat jaded, but isn't grating. It's very easy to make world-weary characters incredibly annoying and whiny, but you managed to pull of a sympathetic voice here while still keeping that bitterness. *seethes with jealousy*

However, I wasn't really clear that your character was a girl until about half-way through the chapter. Not so good. Make it a bit clearer going in? I had nothing to base my assumptions on, and I was sort of going along thinking it was a boy. Just a little note somewhere would be nice so it's not so jarring later on when I realize I was wrong.

Above it was a sign all my friends had made me, with pink glitters (Ashley's doing, no doubt) and huge, bold letters that said 'Get Well Soon'.

This might just be a personal nitpick, but the parentheses bother me. Unless it's a stylistic choice to use them and use them frequently, they just look out of place. The note that it was Ashley's doing can be inserted somewhere without having to resort to a parentheses, and it can retain the "aside" feeling. Again though, this might just be a personal nitpick. (*cough*Seriously, all parentheses in fiction can curl up and die.*cough*)

his legs propped up middle-eastern style.

What exactly is middle-eastern style? Are his legs crossed? Are they just propped up in front of him? I didn't know how to picture this, so a bit more of a description would be nice.

My heart felt too tight in my cehst.

Typo!

The bip-ing sound was getting louder and faster in my ears, and I realized what was going to happen with a sudden jolt.

What is going to happen? How does she know? Why isn't she panicking? Why is she so calm about this guy being so calm? Does she think he's here to kill her? Does she just know she's going to die right then? Why doesn't she call for a nurse? Why doesn't she ask him to help her, or at least wonder why he's not really reacting, or even encouraging her to die? Sure, you talk about how she'd been used to the idea of death, but it's not like death is typically anthropomorphized into hot teenage boys. I would think she would be a little freaked out. I mean, its not like this is some abstract concept of death that is easy to push off. This is a guy, in here, right now, telling you that you are going to die right now. That would freak me out a little.

That would be my main gripe with this; her lack of reaction. She doesn't have an overwhelming sense of "no, I want to live!" until literally words before she actually says as much. It seems to come right out of nowhere, seeing as how for most of the chapter, she seems pretty apathetic towards the whole thing. It just makes the turn-around that much more jarring. Why doesn't she care? Even if she says she doesn't care, when it is presented before her, wouldn't self-preservation kick in? Even for someone who is ready to die, if they were suddenly shoved underwater, their body would begin to fight to live. And that physical response would trigger a mental response. Why isn't her mental response kicking in until literally the moment of? She had plenty of lead-up time.

I did like this though. As I said in the beginning, your character intrigues me with her careful trodding of the line between world-weary and obnoxious. It's good. The thing is the apathy that kicks in later. Clearly, she is attached to the world at least a little for there to be any kind of emotion she is showing, so why does it take her so long to realize it? And why did she just believe the boy instantly when he said it wasn't going to hurt? I'd be like "get the heck away from me you creep and where is security in this place?!" because clearly something bad is going to happen.

Looking forward to more of this! If you have any questions/comments, please PM me or drop a line on my wall!

~Gryph

Whoa, ha ha.

What is this I see? You took three things I despise - a cliche, typical young-adult fiction and anthropomorphisms of Death - and turned them into this little gem of a fiction. I'm making a trophy for you. It's the problem of shipping I'm dealing with.

The title is blah. Seen it, read it. I opened it anyways, and the first two lines practically reached out and grabbed me by the collar. I loved this story.

First, the MC has just enough description. She isn't overly dramatic or wise or anything, just how a normal teenager would be. Well, not really like one who knew she was close to death, but one who had accustomed themselves to the fact. And then we see how, at the end, she would have liked a little more time anyways.
She doesn't fall into Mary Sue-dom, either, which makes me want to cry rainbows.

The anthropomorphism was given a little more description, as I'd have expected from a female first-person perspective. It doesn't adhere to any of the stereotypes, which saddens me a little (perhaps I'm sued to all those I've already seen that combine elements of Greco-Roman mythology and modern urban legend) and when I saw that you're character mirrored my expectation, I could've sworn I almost laughed.

This story, though doubtlessly a morose one, is a little on the light side. In the beginning. It soon slants into grimness near the end, and particularly at the end. The transition was expected, as you hinted in the writing.

I don't have much else to say. Just that odd typo (it happens to the best of us) and the things that ol' Griffin up there's pointed out in the quoteboxes. Though Griffin's mileage might vary, I liked this little tale very much. 'Liked'. Together with the setting and everything. A little jealous would be closer, but never mind.

...oh, you're new! Hello! We're all friendly people here. (I'm not so old myself, really~) Drop by for a chat or a friendly convo anytime!

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