Fear ME; my Dear!

Spoiler

To Sandvich, BadlyDrawnLightning and Davethepenquin... I'm not sure if this was the kind of thing that you were expecting, but... um, here it is

Spoiler

I didn't realise at the time but I guess that this is very much based on SAW need-to-stop-watching-that-God-Forsaken-FILM! :O

When she woke up, all she could taste was blood.


I'm not going to open my eyes... not, actually," Amanda muttered. "You hear me? Actually?"
Although Amanda may sound crazy to you, she isn't. No matter what you may have been assuming. She's just had a bad history. Her boyfriend. Her Pa. They'd kidnap her, sometimes.
She'd been raped, a few times...
And she knew that she wasn't home, as the floor that she'd woke up on wasn't sticky or gritty. This floor wasn't covered in needles or broken pieces of glass that she'd been injecting herself with or slitting herself with before passing out...
Sure. This floor was just as bad. It was cold. And slimy.
"Hello?" Amanda said, opening her eyes. No, she never was one for sticking to things for very long.

But soon enough and sure enough it'd become apparent that Amanda was quite ALOWN.
Ooh. What a surprise...
That's what she was thinking. Until.
Until?
Until she'd noticed that she'd actually read the word ALOWN up on the wall. She hadn't just been thinking it.
Her blurry vision just made it so.
HELLO AMANDA
said the writing on the wall.
The writing was a thick, scrawly red, as if a child had been writing there with a chunky wax crayon.

"Noooo..." Amanda moaned.
Too familiar. Too familiar.
That writing was too familiar.
But she'd still continued reading. Manically.
That was the rules.
HELLO AMANDA it read.
MY DEAR,
LOOK HERE.
NEXT TO YOU IS YOUR BOYFRINED
SEE HIM?
THIS IS THE PRICE YOU PAY FOR BEING A JUNKIE
MY DEAR

SHIT!

Help me
Help me
Help me

She screams and no such luck.
Ugh.
Don't scream.
It'll echo off of the slimy walls and it'll feel as though somebody is screaming at you.
Where was she?
"Where am I?!" Amanda sobbed.
But who could possibly answer Amanda? She was deep, deep, deep underground and even she couldn't understand how there was light down there with her.

Amanda groaned.

Trying, trying not to scream once more.
So she'd carried on reading.
Desperately.
FIND THE WAY OUT AND YOU WILL APEAR
AT THE SURFICE
AND THEN THERE WILL BE NO NEED
FOR NEEDLES ANYMORE
AMANDA.
I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE
THE ANSWER IS BLUE
DO YOU FEEL FEAR?
The rest of the walls were then completely consumed by: hahahahahahaha

"Oh... shit," she whispered, banging the back of the head against the wall before sliding down it in hopelessness.

She'd had to read the message through again before fully absorbing it.
NEXT TO YOU IS YOUR BOYFRINED
SEE HIM?
No. To be truthful, Amanda had not noticed her boyfriend lying next to her.
Or what was left of him.
His head.
Bright blue and red.
"Sick BASTARD!" Amanda screamed, before looking at her boyfriend again and realising...
I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE
THE ANSWER IS BLUE
Oooooh... No. Noooo way. You have to be kidding me.
Amanda looked down at her boyfriend and for the first time since feeling numb, after injecting herself the night before Amanda sobbed. Clutching her boyfriend's head, the mouth a permanent 'O' and the eyes permanently glazed... Amanda retched -
And began shoving her hand down his neck, which was still slightly bloody...
Amanda was searching. Desperately trying to find a key or a pen-knife or something that might get her out of here.
And then the tiny trapped door underneath her feet clicked shut.


Amanda must have heard it.
For, then she began fainting...
Although she could have began dying.

Because there was one thing that Amanda didn't read.
There is a time limit,
Amanda, my dear...
But I'm sure you know why
I put you down hear
Were death draws near
And so does feer

(Shall I get rid of the quotation marks and put italics in there instead or something? I wasn't so sure...)

this is rly good. but u gota watch what u say cause it has a SAW feel to it. just watch cause some people might take it like ur copying. but other then that it good.

This piece of writing really has a good and strong feel to it. I liked it! KEEP UP the good work!

Hey there, Emmzzie.

So I recall reading this before, but I'm not quite sure why I never reviewed it. It's quite interesting of course. Though, the creepy torture content isn't normally my style. I think I saw a fraction of one of the SAW movies, and it was pretty gnarly. The commercials are usually reason enough for me to never want to see them. This didn't quite ring as bothersome though. More so like fan-fiction I guess.

The short back story on this explaining how your character gets kidnapped by her boyfriend and her father wasn't as thoroughly explanatory as it probably could have been. It seemed as though you were mostly throwing it in there real quick so that the reader could kind of understand why what would be happening to her is happening. It rang a little weird in my head to be honest. I'm not sure why loved ones would do something so horrendous like that to the character unless they were completely insane and convoluted. I think had you injected some of that reasoning into your introductory explanation this may have all pulled together in a smoother way.

One big thing relative to that which I wanted to bring up, was you say in the beginning how her boyfriend and her Pa would kidnap her sometimes. And yet her boyfriend lies decapitated next to her. It seems like a sort of contradiction really. I mean, for one, why would the boyfriend be dead if he was one of the people who kidnapped her? And two, why would the girl care as much as you make it seem here? Wouldn't she feel a little resentment toward the person. Why was he her boyfriend at all? The whole thing just rang as sort of confusing. But it could just be me misinterpreting. Perhaps you could have been a little more clear.

Another thing that stuck out to me was the way you used the quoting tool to allow the writing described on the walls to stick out. If it were me, I would have simply gone for large italicized caps or something. Also, the way you input the writing on the walls almost came off humorous in a way. Like a parody of how things go down all seriously and twisted in the SAW movies.

When you describe the scene of Amanda picking up her boyfriend's head and searching for the key, I would expect her to be a little more hesitant and a little more grossed out about doing so. It almost seemed to easy to her to do. In this way, it wasn't very realistic at all. I think realism makes horror scenes like this really scary, and the most gruesome scene you have was a little downplayed I think

I have a few nitpicks that I thought I'd point out for you to see and maybe correct once you get the chance.

But who could possibly answer Amanda? She was deep, deep, deep underground and even she couldn't understand how there was light down there with her.

How does she know she's underground? Has she been in this same place before from the other times she was kidnapped? And if she has, maybe she could describe how it is familiar to add to the sick filling that engulfs her. Also, what do these people normally do when they kidnap her? I think those are probably a few things that should've maybe been disclosed. Attentive readers will surely notice these little errors and empty holes as they take everything in.

"Oh... shit," she whispered, banging the back of #BF0000 ">her head against the wall before sliding down it in hopelessness.

#BF0000 ">She had to read the message through again before fully absorbing it.

There is a time limit,
Amanda, my dear...
But I'm sure you know why
I put you down #BF0000 ">here
#BF0000 ">where death draws near
#BF0000 ">and so does #BF0000 ">fear (.)

Emmzziee wrote:But soon enough and sure enough it'd become apparent that Amanda was quite

ALOWN.

I assume you mean "alone" here? Not sure, but anyway, that's about it for the nitpicking I think. I think that this stands as a solid first draft overall but there's still room for improvement in my eyes. Try thinking over a few of the things I've mentioned and maybe you'll see how you could better build on this little horror piece you have. I hardly read much horror stuff on the site. This was one of few rare occasions for me to be reviewing something like it. I hope I did alright. xD

Anyway, good stuff.

-Smylin'

Very dark and i agree it is much like SAW. Your fonting and formating in this really helped move the story along and almost gave it life on its own. I really liked it because it left an impression on me which is hard to do with writing. I hope to see more like this!