Sweet Ecstasy

Fore note: This is one of the more disturbing journal entries written by one of our patients here. I was there when he wrote it. I have withheld his name for privacy reasons, but he remains one of the more puzzling cases I have ever seen. It should by said that, if his mind ever returns to normalcy, he will be serving a life sentence. Also, he is only 17 years old.
Dr. Gunrie, Ph.D
Lyson Mental Ward

I can see her. In her slender form, flitting along the wall in a gossamer dress. Unsuspecting, naive. This is the first time she’s been to a school dance. It’s obvious by the way she tries to mingle with the others, tries to fit in. Always though, she fails, and returns to the wall and invisibility. I drift closer to her. Eventually asking her is she wants to dance. She blushes, refuses. I persuade. She accepts. I lead her in on the next song. We move slowly around the swaying pairs of bodies. Everything must be gentle, must be subtle. I hate this, it’s too close. Too warm. A polite, quiet conversation. Asking her questions, prancing nimbly around hers. They like that. Mystery. That and my eyes. It always draws them in. The song ends, I take her to get a drink. She won’t refuse any of my suggestions anymore. She’s too afraid of losing me. Undetermined. This makes it too easy. She is giggling at something I said. I can never remember how I do any of it. Natural charm, I suspect. Although she will giggle at anything I say. Stupidity. So transparent. I hate her.
No, I cannot let her see that. I must not let that rise to the surface. Lest that wicked glimmer shine in my eyes. For then I am cold, unaware of the happenings of the world around me.
The night wears thin. She is tired, unwary, unguarded. It is one past midnight, the time is now. I lead her away from the others, out into the open. Behind the school, across the park, into the woods. It is dark here, silent, concealing. Finally, relief. I soothe her, lie to her, and we kiss. Her first time. I slip my hand around her neck. This is why I chose her. Pretty and delicate. My fingers close around her throat. She can’t even scream. She struggles, tries to pull away. I hold her tighter. Soon, her body stops squirming and I let it drop to the ground. I breathe deeply and walk away. I am dreamy and lightheaded. I laugh. All that clever effort was for this one moment. Sweet ecstasy.

Hi there, Eloquent~ So I've no time to give this one of my line by line reviews, but I'll try to be as thorough as I can in this one without really delving into my usual line by line dissection.

I read the note, and I didn't like it. I don't really care about it, and it didn't add anything to the story for me. In fact, it kind of dulled the story? ^^" You told me it's disturbing and it's puzzling, so you set up my expectations while at the same time demolishing a measure of respect I had. See, I really don't like it when people tell me how I'm supposed to feel during their story. It's just unfair and, on top of that, kind of mean for them to tell me. >> You need to let the reader form their opinion, because trying to push them to an opinion won't work. It'll just turn them off.

Think of us writers as liars. If you're a liar, and you need me to believe your brother ate the last cookie, you're not going to tell me, "Believe my brother ate the last cookie."

^^" That's not going to work at all. Similarly, in writing, the trick is to make the reader believe in the lie without realizing it's a lie, or to feel a certain way without realizing you implanted that emotion in them.

This has stylistic issues. I know the style you're going for. Present tense gives a lot of immediacy and there's this brazen breeziness in the way it comes across. It's beautiful when done right, but here? ^^" I'm afraid present tense also requires a lot of practice and reading. Try to read some present tense books and see how the paragraphs and sentences are strung together for that fleeting feel. Right now, your present tense is clunky and slow - not good.

Let me give you an example of that.

I drift closer to her. Eventually asking her is she wants to dance. She blushes, refuses. I persuade. She accepts.

First, the second sentence is an unintentional fragment, and even if it is intentional and stylistic, it doesn't flow very well. Flow is vital to present tense. It might be important to past tense, but it's at the very core of present tense. More on that later - let's dissect this bit for now. The last three sentences are very difficult to get through because they're a succession of short sentences with the exact same pattern. If you read it out loud, they're choppy and abrupt, and it doesn't go well with the rest of the way the piece is supposed to go.

Flow is how the sentences roll off your tongue smoothly. Read published books out loud - the words have a way of just slipping through you, as if they were never there in the first place. With your piece, when you read it out loud, there are areas wherein you stumble because the words are arranged in a strange manner and in a way that tricks your tongue into blunders. You want to avoid that. To smooth out the flow, just read the piece out loud and edit anything that doesn't slide off your tongue. Keep editing and reading until everything just kind of swims by and no tongue twisters are left. You can't get that immediate, urgent feel if your piece doesn't flow smoothly. That's why it's so important in present tense.

Next, I have a problem with your MC, and it's not because he's disturbing, but because he's not. You want us to say this is a disturbed person? Fine. You want us to sit back and say whoa after finishing this piece? Okay. But you're going to have to make me. I don't feel his ecstasy, I don't see his thoughts - I don't even know this guy after spending a couple hundred words in his head. This is terrible in first person. In first person, we have to be totally submerged in the MC's world - we have to live, breathe, and be part of his thoughts. The tricky thing about first person is that it requires voice, and though this has the beginnings of it (how can it not, with the MC being disturbed?), it's nowhere close to having enough voice and intimacy.

The thing with first person is that you really need to convince the reader she's there with your MC. What your MC feels, we feel. So tell me, when he sees Gossamer Girl fluttering by, does he admire the way her dress shimmers in the artificial light? Or does he crave to taste her skin? Look at it, it's so soft and it smells of roses - but he bets it's softer than roses, and by turns saltier and sweeter as well. Give me more thoughts like those - concrete things I can cling to, thoughts I can ride on while he goes about whatever he needs to do.

When you go about your day, try to think as if someone is in your head. That's how first person should read - you (the MC) talking, sort of, and the reader being there with you. Take note. Don't make the voice flat, or you'll have a huge problem on your hands. There must be something distinct about the voice (the trick about the girl with the gossamer dress ought to do it), but I doubt you'll encounter the problem of having too mundane an MC here.

Before I forget, let's tackle emotion. There's a distinct lack of it here, which is odd. Just because he's disturbed and mentally ill doesn't mean he's devoid of emotions. Describe for me exactly why it's such a sweet release at the end, because right now it seems tacked on - like oh, I'll put this here because then it'll be disturbing. Don't. Make it an integral part of the story. Why strangling and not bludgeoning? Does it just feel sweeter to have your fingers on her throat while she breathes her last? Or is it in the way her body convulses underneath him? Show me more, and I might be truly disturbed to have spent time in his head. The more emotions you can make me understand, the more horrified I'll be at the end to have even felt that way with the MC. Make me feel as if I'm an accessory to murder. After all, I was in his head, wasn't I?

Oh, and one more thing. This seems more like a cookie cutter case to me than something truly medically puzzling, so I'm kind of hung up on why the good doctor finds it to be a unique revelation. :[ Maybe just go about it as if it was a normal journal entry as opposed to one the doctor singled out?

Anyway, I hope this review was helpful to you! If you have any questions, PM me about it~ ^^


Sincerely,

Octave

First of all, this began by reminding me of the journal of the doctor in Dracula, which is always a good. thing. Though a dreary read, it managed to have a great ending, and your story did too!

Octave over there is raging over your style. Though a little more flesh could do this story well, I think you captured the serial-killer mind very well. Simple, yet conniving. I enjoyed the style this was written in - it allowed the reader to think about what is being said instead of having the world fleshed out Christopher Paolini-style (in other words, long and boring).

I get reviews like Octive's every so often, who want me to completely change my writing style. You really have to pick and choose which advice to take, then make yourself better. There's no reason to switch writing styles just to please an audience the obviously wasn't yours. I'm betting Octive is a fantasy fan, or sci-fi, or a similar genre that requires having a world fleshed out.

However, that doesn't mean that your piece was perfect. It did have some errors which could be corrected, as well as a few places that would have been better if they were just fleshed out a little. While no emotion is emotion, no description just makes the reader lost. However, since Octive already gave you a tirade on that, I'm going to spare you.

Keep writing! I really like what you have here, and I look forward to reading more from you.