Confession of a Criminal

Theme: The fragility of the human mind. For the 150 words contest. I may edit this some more. I don't think it's that great.

Once when I was seven years old, I was lashed for breaking my mother’s porcelain teapot. Handmade in southern France, it was beautifully painted with purple pansies and golden fleurs-de-lis. My mind’s eye—often chided me by my father as being dangerously vivid—envisioned it shattering into a million glittering fragments. How unthinkable! Her best porcelain! And yet... it could happen. This very thought of the unthinkable; this fine line between right and wrong, which mere decency keeps us from transgressing; tempted me. Compulsively, I suspended the teapot above the oaken counter, a safe three inches. When I let go, it broke (surprisingly); and along with it, my conscience. Since then, my hands have been stained with countless crimes. We humans can be as free and untame as we like. Wild mares defying the constraints of society. Sometimes I wonder, what stops us? And why am I so different?

You really set the mood for France with the use of a single french phrase. There were no grammar mistakes as far as I am concerned, but something stuck out to me. That was the second half of the story.

And yet... it could happen. This very thought of the unthinkable; this fine line between right and wrong, which mere decency keeps us from transgressing; tempted me. Compulsively, I suspended the teapot above the oaken counter, a safe three inches. When I let go, it broke (surprisingly); and along with it, my conscience.

It seems a bit random how the main character sees the teapot breaking in the future and decides to be the one to break it. Usually when people have a premonition of the future, they try to change it, not fufill it. This is especially the case when it has to do with something important. The '(surprisingly)' seems a bit unnecessary and I'm unsure how a conscious breaks. When you say a conscious broke, I'm thinking that person got knocked out, though I'm pretty sure you meant that their personality was changed forever.

We humans can be as free and untame as we like. Wild mares defying the constraints of society. Sometimes I wonder, what stops us? And why am I so different?

You should combine the first two sentences with a comma. As for the questions, they seem out of place. Or rather, not out of place, but lacking a certian oomph behind them. What stops us from doing what? Why am I so diferent compared to what? Those are the questions you may want to answer. I know it's "What stops us from doing what ever we want?" but it feels imcomplete unless you actually say it. Overall, I say I'm just nit-picking and it was really good.

Shadowraiki is right about creating a french mood with a single phrase. The whole time I had a picture of the south of france in my head, but at the end of it the location doesn't matter. I get that you're trying to show that the teapot is valuable but the french-centric description might be a little distracting from you're overall message.

I think you might want to consider breaking the paragraph up into smaller ones since you are presenting several ideas. In other words, highlight each thought or idea by letting them stand on their own.

I thought the flow of this line was a little bit off, and all I mean by that is that I had to read over it a few times before I understood: "My mind’s eye—often chided me by my father as being dangerously vivid—envisioned it shattering into a million glittering fragments"

"We humans can be as free and untame as we like. Wild mares defying the constraints of society. Sometimes I wonder, what stops us? And why am I so different?"

Here it seems like you're telling us explicitly what you're trying to communicate, as opposed to showing it through the story. Now I understand that it's difficult to work within 150 words but therein lies the challenge of it. The symbolism of the teapot and the conscience of narrator should come together without explicity telling us that the decision to be unfree and untame is up to us.

Anyway, just my 2 cents; I hope it helps.

Let's begin, Shall we?

IdlePan wrote:
Once when I was seven years old, I was lashed for breaking my mother’s porcelain teapot.

Not a great start. Don't ever start a story with 'Once.' No exceptions, especially not a piece of flash fiction.

Handmade in southern France, it was beautifully painted with purple pansies and golden fleurs-de-lis.

Great line, I would have started the story here. There really is no need, nor space, waste a line setting the scene, this line as it stands is much better as an intro.

This very thought of the unthinkable; this fine line between right and wrong, which mere decency keeps us from transgressing; tempted me.

I don't like this. For starters the first fragment is contradictory, unthinkable/ thought. It's awkward. It seems wordy and wasteful. This story is fantastic, don't get me wrong. But you seem to have a penchant for wordy prose, which may work well in longer pieces but here it doesn't really belong. Don't worry too much about it, because it seems all entrants have been tautologous. (my word of the day) I think all of us in one way or another could tighten up our prose, I would say above you will find an example of this. Two semicolons? that should have been the indicator. It's unfair for me to harp on without making a genuine suggestion so here's how I would edit it.

The idea seemed unthinkable, the fine line blurred, right and wrong. I was tempted.

I don't know it's not great, but for me it expresses the same thing, with less words and the reader won't have to reread it to understand it.

We humans can be as free and untame as we like. Wild mares defying the constraints of society. Sometimes I wonder, what stops us? And why am I so different?

Okay so it is going great. I love the description of the act itself. I wasn't enamoured by this last line, I will say what I said to another entrant. Keep it relative to the first person. Don't address the reader directly and refer to 'people' in general. Because its a story, and you should show us the character going through these motions and we will deduce your conclusion from there. So it would read:

I can be as free and untame as I like. A wild mare defying the constraints of society. Sometimes I wonder, what stops others? Why am I so different?

Something like that.

Anyway, I enjoyed this. You handled the theme well and delved into a criminal's mind realistically, exhibiting an insight into what might lead some to a life of crime. A juvenile risk gone wrong. You play upon this nicely and it really makes me emphasise with the narrator, so much so that I found myself answering his closing questions so well done!