I. Freakin. Hate you.

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Hey, I thought the story was quite good overall. There are some things I noticed that i would fix, though. In

Finally it was the week of the play.

I would put a comma after finally. Also, the last two sentences are in present tense, but the rest of the paragraph is past tense. I think it would be better just to change the last two sentences to past tense.

Hi there!

I enjoyed reading this story. It was very interesting and caught my attention at the first sentence. You kept my attention through the whole story. Great job! You had great descriptions and really got into Adrian's mind.

I do have one little nitpick for this story. The title gives me the impression that this would be about another person who added to this kids sorrow, who made him want to send himself to an early grave. I feel like Adrian didn't really know the boy and only wanted to know him better.

This was a very well written piece and was very interesting. Keep writing!

The way I saw it was that Adrian wanted to know more about the boy, but never did anything to get closer to him. It's like a one sided relationship. She acknowledges that she likes him, but he is oblivious to what is going on. Thus, she writes, "I hate you" because she's angry that he commited suicide, leaving her alone.

The great oak doors closed with a soft#FF0000 ">, but firm thud behind the Welch's family as they entered the church#FF0000 ">. However the noise sounded like a thunderclap in the #FF0000 ">crackling tension that filled the room. Aware that they were being watched out of the corner of many eyes, the family quickly took a seat in the back pew. When they had all filed in, Mr. and Mrs. sat #FF0000 ">and paid respectful attention to the man speaking, the two younger boys figited in there rarely-used black dress clothes, and the older boy #FF0000 ">who at least attempted to look like he cared. But Adrian's face muscles were tight from trying to remain a #FF0000 ">neutral expression.

The first paragraph is really all I had to nit pick. Since the rest is from Adrian's perspective in the first person, I'll leave it alone. However i would like to know why "he" commited suicide. The jump from, 'we have a lot in common' to, 'oh yeah, he's dead' seems too great.

Whoa, whoa, wait. I haven't read any of your guys posts yet, but I was not suppose to actually submit this. I meant to push the save button. X) So if this story seems a bit unfinished, it's because IT IS. Haha, it's kinda funny, but I'm gonna delete this and repost it when it's finished, sound good?

You should post this again!