Two Flashes on Overcoming Prejudice

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5. over coming prejudice

The Apple From The Tree

It was the same path home, through blood.
She was the old walk through wheat before him—the shortcut taken, down to the unspun hair fallen to her shoulders, heavy from humidity as the day's last bale. He hated her, too—this daughter on his porchstep rolling her ankles with a flat chest that could only be so appealing in summer's sheen, under memory's dry-eyed willow. Asking if Theo was home, the goddamned brat. She was the same priestess with jabbering freckles to whom he'd confessed, merely separated by a generation.
Half her blood which wasn't his. Half a name which upheld its father-claim. Half the irreligious giggle, stifled under eaves. Half the kiss which wasn't his alone, and promised then the hemisphere of each cold, untampered breast.
No, he said. Not home.
When he watched her go, he tasted what was not yet bitter, which was memorable and strange and damning.

DA

I can tell from his skull's phrenology, freshly shaved to folds, knobs and bantering plates of bone that he could break my shins with the timbre of a displeased grunt. He puts his hands on the table, which is bolted to the ground and etched with messages, phone numbers, pleas and bored cunts. He has a stomping chest. Hands that have dealt with the slant rhyme of hay, truncheon hog-grunts. He looks like he probably tore through her like an ocean's suction. Of course, I knew as much from the file and the photographs, lewd with phosphorescence and looped bruise.
He looks down when I sit. Looks at his hands. Looks away because he can hardly stand it, fixes on me.
“Got a couple options.” I open my own hands for example.
“I aint teachable,” he says, doesn't look down again, for fear what I saw is true.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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This first piece was a little bit difficult to understand. What I think is going on is that the man's half daughter comes up to visit ?her sister?, but the man who hates her, turns her away. It needs some work in terms of order and word choices.

Spoiler
The Apple From The Tree

It was the same path home, through blood.

She was the old walk through wheat before him—the shortcut taken, down to the unspun hair fallen to her shoulders, heavy from humidity as the day's last bale. He hated her, too—this daughter on his porchstep rolling her ankles with a flat chest that could only be so appealing in summer's sheen, under memory's dry-eyed willow. Asking if Theo was home, the goddamned brat. She was the same priestess with jabbering freckles to whom he'd confessed, merely separated by a generation.

Instantly when I start reading, I don't understand the line of the first paragraph. I feel like a lot of the sentences were fragments. You say, "he hated her, too" but who was the other person? Normally a viable writing style to me, but there were missing subjects or phrases were too difficult to pin onto a certian person. For example, "the goddamned brat" is that describing the girl or Theo? Though I do like the last sentence because it gives us a small idea of the mother without even stating it.

Half her blood which wasn't his. Half a name which upheld its father-claim. Half the irreligious giggle, stifled under eaves. Half the kiss which wasn't his alone, and promised then the hemisphere of each cold, untampered breast.

No, he said. Not home.

When he watched her go, he tasted what was not yet bitter, which was memorable and strange and damning.

The paragraph where you repeat half is probably the most powerful one. It establishes how much he hates her. The last paragraph confuses me too.



This piece was a lot more clear to me. My general idea of this is that this is a criminal who was brought in for raping a female?

Spoiler
I can tell from his skull's phrenology, freshly shaved to folds, knobs and bantering plates of bone#FF0000 ">, that he could break my shins with the timbre of a displeased grunt. He puts his hands on the table, which #FF0000 ">are bolted to the ground and etched with messages, phone numbers, pleas and #FF0000 ">bored cunts. (did you mean cuts?) He has a stomping chest. Hands that have dealt with the slant rhyme of hay, truncheon hog-grunts. He looks like he probably tore through her like an ocean's suction. Of course, I knew as much from the file and the photographs, lewd with phosphorescence and looped bruise.

This description gives me the picture of a thug that's been through several arrests and fights. I don't understand your use of come words here such as "hay", "suction", 'lewd', and "phosphorescence".

He looks down when I sit. Looks at his hands. Looks away because he can hardly stand it, fixes on me.

“Got a couple options#FF0000 ">,” I open my own hands for example.

“I aint teachable,” he says, doesn't look down again, for fear what I saw is true.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but I don't understand too well what is going on. It may be just me though and I hope someone else can come and help you.
If words are just letters put together, why do we decide on what they mean?

I step away from the grammar to review the story.

I don't do poetry.




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The Apple From The Tree

I think what lends to the confusion is some of the sacrifices made to squash it into 150 words.

For example:
She was the old walk through wheat before him—the shortcut taken, down to the unspun hair fallen to her shoulders, heavy from humidity as the day's last bale.

"She was the old walk--[she was] the shortcut, [she was the old walk] down to the unspun hair, [her hair which was as] heavy from humidity as the day's last bale."
(At least I think that's how the phrases are working together...) Each phrase works slightly different, instead of acting as an appositive to rename the girl. We meet the dash and see all the commas and expect a sort of parallelism or series of appositives. Something like,
"He was a prize fighter--a relic from days long gone, a raging bull, a beast for hire."

, under memory's dry-eyed willow.

Not sure what this is modifying. Is it that she can only be so appealing in summer's sheen under memory's dry-eyed willow? The comma seems stray. And what does a dry-eyed willow tell us over a weeping willow? It just feels like a petty jab.

Asking if Theo was home, the goddamned brat.

This is easy enough to understand, despite the fact that it seems an odd island on its own. It doesn't seem to follow grammatically. "He hated her, too...Asking if Theo was home."

She was the same priestess with jabbering freckles to whom he'd confessed, merely separated by a generation.

Confusion. The narrator confessed? Theo confessed?

and promised then the hemisphere of each cold, untampered breast.

Wording leaves me confused again and scratching for loose strings. So the narrator kissed her and was given the promise of touching her?

I like the words, but there are too many sacrifices made to cram it all in one place. Also, both my MSOffice 2007 word counter and my count by hand says 152. I mean, yeaaah, it's 2 words, but...y'know.

It's easier to use pretty and mysterious words to describe an emotional relationship with someone...it's harder and ambiguous and confusing to use pretty and mysterious words to describe a physical/familial relationship with someone. I'm having a hard time figuring out the actual relationship between the narrator and the girl. Sorry if I'm way off, but I'm guessing she's his daughter from another marriage? Or a bastard? And a girl that he at some point made out with...? And...where does Theo come into this? Or maybe Theo made out with the girl?

And in the end...maybe it's because I'm not confident about their relationship, but I'm not quite certain what the prejudice is. And even so, I don't see anyone overcoming what my ideas are for what the prejudice may be.

DA
I can tell from his skull's phrenology, freshly shaved to folds, knobs and bantering plates of bone that he could...

That thing about appositives again. This one is easier to understand, but we still have to make some compromises.
"I can tell from his skull's phrenology, [his skull] freshly shaved to folds, [his skull with] knobs and bantering plates..."
His phrenology wasn't shaved nor was his phrenology knobby.
Oh wait...unless this is a serial comma issue:
"I can tell from his skull's phrenology,...knobs, and bantering plates of bone"?
Now I'm more confused.

He puts his hands on the table, which is bolted to the ground and etched with messages, phone numbers, pleas and bored cunts.

That line is pretty great and establishes setting.

Hands that have dealt with the slant rhyme of hay, truncheon hog-grunts.

That, too, is a great line.

He looks like he probably tore through her like an ocean's suction.

I would have liked to have the "her" introduced earlier than this. But it still works. It's just that it was slipped in there so casually that we come across it and then reach the end of the sentence and then go..."Wait a second...who?"
Perhaps it could have been given some importance with line breaks like so?
He has a stomping chest. Hands that have dealt with the slant rhyme of hay, truncheon hog-grunts.

He looks like he probably tore through her like an ocean's suction.

Of course, I knew as much from the file...

That way, we know that you know the line about tearing through her suddenly makes everything very real. Visceral, to say the least.

lewd with phosphorescence and looped bruise.

Another great line. "lewd with phosphorescence" is such a telling set of 3 words. It brings to mind all the clips that the squeamish turn away from in all those CSI, NCIS, FBI, TGIF, LOL(?) shows that audiences so eagerly gobble up.

“Got a couple options.” I open my own hands for example.
“I aint teachable,” he says, doesn't look down again, for fear what I saw is true.

This exchange leaves me wanting, not in a good way. "I ain't teachable" seems like a sad non sequitor. And I'm not sure what "I open my own hands for example" is giving us.
"he says, doesn't look down again, for fear what I saw is true." is a superb last line, though.

All in all, the words are good. I really like the words. On their own. Squashed together as they are in some places, it's misleading and taxing and some of the points aren't driven home and glance just off target.

On one hand, I understand that the style of prose is blurred and all the usual rules don't apply. On the other hand, readers don't like to make compromises in their understanding when there are other means to convey the same idea without forcing that compromise. Like a theater production asking for a suspension of disbelief that the actor on stage is wearing a ridiculous outfit when they could've just gone out and bought a ridiculous outfit.




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Wow. This is amazing, I think I prefer the first one of the two. With such a demanding word limit even the title has to be carefully considered, and designed to amplify the story. Much more so than other forms of fiction.

The Apple From The Tree Is particularly clever. It immediately clarifies the relationship between the narrator and the girl, from there you drive home the theme.I think DA is a little too obvious, it feels as though I am missing something. I assume you simply allude to District Attorney and perhaps..? I don't know. I think you let yourself down a bit with this, unless of course I am missing something.

Your handling of the theme was unique also. From the rather opaque notion of prejudice we have seen a lot of familiar ideas emerge, but your take on prejudice is truly your own.

I think your style is so poetic and, at times, ambiguous that I really saw you struggling to contain your prose. When I saw you had entered, I was excited to see how you would handle reducing your prose, how you would rein in your floral turn of phrase without stifling your imagery. And, in a way these two stories could perhaps be even shorter, I mean not a lot really happens. But, the image is so very clear and deep and it is only 150 words, so I really wasn't expecting much action at all.

And you have managed to write complete stories. You haven't entirely done away with the (relatively) extraneous adjectives, here and there. But I won't hold that against you. Like Sarg said, In some cases you have said more in just two or three words than I would expect to deduce from a paragraph.

We will clearly consider both pieces when judging, but for me (and it appears Sarg disagrees) the first was easily the best of the two.

Good luck, well done and I look forward to judging this!

Well done!
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