I'm sure (revised)

Spoiler

I wrote a version of this poem some time back and it was pointed out that two of the words I tried to rhyme were the exact same. So I'm posting the revised version, with the original two words struck out. This way I hope I can work out which version is better. Reviews needed!

For as sure as the wind blows,
Your lifetime has passed,
As sure as the moon glows,
Your memory will last.

As sure as the light shines gleams,
there will be darkness again,
As sure as the sun shines beams,
There must also be rain.

For you are the wind,
The moon, rain and sun.
And the journey for you,
Has only begun.

I'm no good at poetry, so won't comment on structure and form etc. But I think that I preferred the original version. It seemed to fit better even though those two words were the same. Its up to you though, they're both great!!!
Keep posting, and I hope you start posting more chpaters of Dreams Tell Lies. I know you finished the book, but it would be great to read them!
MrsM

I think this version is better than the first and I like what you changed it to for it to rhyme. All of the start of your lines are capitalized but one, I take it it’s not supposed to be like that. It also flows really well, sorry you know I’m not good at this stuff but well done I really liked it
Chels

Hello~

Haven't read the other version, but I shall comment on this one.

For you are the wind,
The moon, rain and sun.
And the journey for you,
Has only begun.

I think that if you remove only and in place put just, it would be better. But then again, thats just me.

But, eh, other than that, well done.

(Though I would have preferred it a little bit longer x3 )

Keep posting and keep rhyming.
-JT

For as sure as the wind blows,
Your lifetime has passed,
As sure as the moon glows,
Your memory will last. This stanza has good rhyming going and I like the imagery you've given the reader.

As sure as the light gleams,
there will be darkness again,
As sure as the sun beams,
There must also be rain. This last line doesn't rhyme, looking at your rhyming scheme the end of this line should rhyme with again.

For you are the wind,
The moon, rain and sun.
And the journey for you,
Has only begun. This is my favorite stanza, it flowed nicely and the rhyming was great

Overall I really liked this poem though I wish it was longer, but I understand I just wanted to read more The second stanza was the only problem that I saw in this piece, just try to fix the rhyming in it. Thanks for posting!
Peace,
Snickerdooly

Hey Icyflames,

I really liked your poem! It doesn't seem forced at all. It flowed really nicely.

For as sure as the wind blows,
Your lifetime has passed,
As sure as the moon glows,
Your memory will last.

I really liked this stanza it was a great start.

Maybe take out those crossed out words. They don't really have a point.

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!

-Boo