Pornography Kiss (chapter 2)

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2. Loneliness isn’t a word

My morning was perfectly fine- the same sense of anxiety when I drink my apple juice, the overbearing sense of being stalked. I am used to the sight of a worried teacher disguising themselves as a councillor. They always ask me if I need help. My friends think I am insane; my walking fantasy always talk to me like I am a two year old child, who has become a victim of Agent Orange.

My tongue is plagued with the masked vision of a substance unknown to me. My eyes, red and almost bolting, have been savaged by the unsuspecting images of another woman’s sexual capabilities. For the world is smothered with sex and every platform of Earth contains individual self loathing.

To protest against something which can benefit you in the long run is pointless. I have more alert actions, better heart rate and twice as much adrenaline thanks to the burden that you so describe. But it is not a burden- society has no boundaries. You can do everything in your own fixated mind. The pixelated repetition of conversations dawning on the horizons of shame, inflicted with a mirror kiss of our very own likelihood, make my life much more the person I destine to be than those cretins on the news.

The alleyways, lined with trees, stick out like a sore thumb. Searching for isolated avenues around here is like counting sheep in your sheep: it is endless. I strive to make a change to government, to order, to the world. Without me you wouldn’t be here.

Her lips, sacred and soft, widen my eyes for another time. To call this place a home is an embarrassment. It is anything but; an endless stream of controversy and low self esteem, a place where I don’t want to find myself in.

Who am I? What am I? Where am I? I couldn’t be asked to care really. I am the endless road of change intertwining with the realism of discovering road kill. I am the achiever- Robert Howard some call me as. For I am no character, no scenario, no cliché. I am a unique human being, wasting away 100 years of blood for means that I shall never end. Society has made me a man while the other particles of bacteria are still squirming around. I’ve told myself time and time again that I am different, for this is my motivation for another day of staring into space.

To see her, to touch her, to feel her. That is what I am: a man who embraces the only opportunity to be loved. Am I loved? To be honest I couldn’t give a damn if someone loves me. I won’t be surprised if my mother has in fact adopted me; we are not alike. My mother is brainwashed by “morale” and “wellbeing”, yet the same could be said for everyone around me.

From what I’ve learnt from my experiences everyone is the same. Everyone is infected, but the disease is always different. The cure doesn’t matter anymore. We eat and we sleep in a house cramped with self-esteem and choice. I don’t ever have that privilege. My father, probably asking for a favour by his new whore, never gave that to me. See that freshly squashed fly by the edge of your window? That is who I am. That is who I aspire to be. My father was right. Shame I didn’t learn it sooner.

But the day is droning on like a fractured episode of nostalgia. The same faces I once knew a few months ago pass by too quickly to notice. The same white flashes of a whip, the screams of a mother scorned, have kept me awake through a lot of the pessimistic classes on math and society and all that other bullshit. Blah blah blah I am here to teach you morals and well being; here is the square root of 64 etc. The concentration required for this exercise is endless- the pieces of shit that run this school aren’t very good at keeping the school in order. Repetitive fights, bullying, talks of sex, death, love, “who’s going out with who”.

My lips, blistered and always aware, turn to her attention. Kate Barker, the one I have my eye on, catches my eye. She lets out a smile, vulnerable yet inviting, and points to the empty seat next to her. As I sit down on the chair, my imminent thoughts reigning in my mind come back to haunt me. Her thighs, predictably smooth, move closer to my legs. The repetitive droning of her songs by that Justin Bible guy set my mind on edge. Finally, I can hear a soundtrack to the scene I have planned out for so long.

“So what’s your name,” she asks. “I bet it’s-“
“Robert,” I reply. “But my last name isn’t important.”
“Why isn’t it important?” She blows a hair away from her face. Now I can see her pitch black eyes, a rather fitting portrayal of the abyss.
“It’s just a very common name. And you are Katie. Simple as.”
“Well, you yourself must be important.”
“Not really. I am just another person. Like you or any other person.”
“Aw, but I think you are special. You have something about you. You have to be the most insightful person I have ever met. I really want to talk to you some more.”

Her smile, crafted by angels and scattered like roses, caves in everything. She has my word I presume. I never take this opportunity to accept anything anyone says but I am free. Finally, my freedom has been given to me on a silver platter. My life is getting better and better as the days wane on.




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Nice next chapter, though it's missing the craziness from before. I mean stark raving mad crazy rant you had on. I like how you show his home life, a bit weird though. I like his fantasy girl also. It's very intriguing. I love it write. Can' wait to read more. Also I like the lack of transition. It leaves the reaser guessing. Write more please!
There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles. -Anonymous.




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This definitely feels like a completely different person.
I can't say it feels like a completely different story, because I have no idea what the story is here.
In two chapters, nothing has happened, and it's all been inside these characters' heads. Now, I've read journal-stories before, and although there are heavy doses of internal point of view, there is SOMETHING happening. There is a reason for the reader to keep reading. Why are you writing this story? What are you attempting? What do you want the reader to take away? Consider these things to bring this story into more richness.

Not to be harsh, but if I wanted to listen to an annoying person spill their inner thoughts... well I wouldn't. Haha! Consider... not toning your narrator down, but giving the reader something that allows them to connect with him. Right now, the first chapter alienates him because of its harsh attitude, while this alienates him because it's so aloof and floaty.

And I know you'll say "wait, something happened at the end", but I don't believe it. First, I wonder why she thinks, after like TWO sentences, that he's the most insightful person he's ever met. Second, I'm not sure that actually happened at all.

WHICH, I want to mention, is the STRENGTH of this piece. One of the strengths is in the fact that we have no idea what the narrator really means. Like, he could be spouting all of this and all from the last chapter and not mean a single word of it. I got that hint from chapter one where he went from ideas of grandeur and Tony Blair to a really lame conversation with his friends.

My advice is to keep writing, keep pushing through the arc of the story, but come back later and patch it all up. Don't do these edits now. Leave them as they are and let your continuation shape whether or not these first few chapters are appropriate. (:

Let me know if you have any questions.

Hannah
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants
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I don't know exactly what to say to this piece, because it felt like it didn't quite flow. I was understanding it and then not. He hates his life (or just thinks the worst of himself) yet one look at a girl and everything turns upside-down? I was curious as to where he is... I mean physically. I felt as if in the last chapter he was alone by a computer looking at images and pondering. Is he in school now? Or is this chapter taking place in separate places? It seems as if its jumping every which way.

On the positive side. I enjoyed how someone is nice to him, lack of love is wearing on him.... I liked how the voice of the character was there at the end when he was observing the girl as he would a photo. I also enjoyed the perspective of school because it can relate to many people.
Keep writing.
~Berlyn Rae
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is even if we're apart, I'll always be with you. I'll always be with you.
~Winnie The Pooh




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I like this chapter more than the last one, its less of a rant and easier to read. It's as though he's calmed down.
For the world is smothered with sex and every platform of Earth contains individual self loathing.

Epic! Simple as, that line will stick with me because it's one of the truest things I've ever read. The way you write is brilliant, I do think there are some lines and paragraghs that need to be altered but this and how you write and what you've got is brilliant, it's powerful and it's bold!

From what I’ve learnt from my experiences everyone is the same. Everyone is infected, but the disease is always different. The cure doesn’t matter anymore.


Beautiful :)

The only thing I didnt like is the conversation at the end it's not believable! I like the conversation but the don't really know each other do they? No one jumps into that kind of depth in they're first conversation, they need a build up :)

Good writting though, keep it up!!

Katie :D



Adventure is worthwhile.
— Aesop