the star who couldnt twinkle

in a family of perfect beautiful glowingy stars in which all other stars looked up to wanted to be like and worshiped there was a ugly clumsy star with a dull light which never twinkled.who every one frowned and misjudged. his parents was disgusted of having him as their child. they always greived because they always thought they can have a more good looking star. the star hated him self. his sad face produced a tear every time he was laughed at or called a failure. no one ever paid attention to him. every one always said hes a dissapointment to his family and that he shouldnt be one of them. the lonely ugly star felt left out in the world. his dream was to twinkle one day. twinling was a common ability in his family. every single family member twinkled better than any star. his family were appalled in his inabilty to do so. his peers always laughed at him not being able to do it. every time he tried no light appeared he gave up and lost all hope. he started to realise he was a let down to every one. he lost all inspiration but one night a miracle happened. light started to pump through his body . he felt tense a huge bulb of light spread around his body. truly a miracle. he started to smile. just when he was losing hope. just when he was about to give up. every one gathered around and saw that huge light before their eyes. a once laughed at star who every one thought was a failure began to twinkle so brightly. brighter than other star in the world. he became a hero.

I've marked in red what needs to be capitalized and put what should be the first sentence of a new paragraph in blue. I'll put any other corrections in green.



#FF0000 ">in a family of perfect beautiful glowingy(just glowing) stars in which all other stars looked up to(period)(They) wanted to be like(them) and worshiped(period) #FF0000 ">there was a ugly(comma) clumsy star with a dull light which never twinkled.#FF0000 ">who every one frowned(Try using scorned) and misjudged. #FF0000 ">his parents was (were)disgusted of having him as their child. #FF0000 ">they always greived(grieved) because they always thought they can have a more(better) good(Get rid of the good) looking star. #FF0000 ">the star hated him self. #FF0000 ">his sad face produced a tear every time he was laughed at or called a failure. no one ever paid attention to him. #FF0000 ">every one always said hes(apostrophe s) a dissapointment#FF0000 ">(one s) to his family and that he shouldnt(apostrophe s) be one of them. #FF0000 ">the lonely ugly star felt left out in the world. #FF0000 ">his dream was to twinkle one day. twinlking was a common ability in his family. every single family member twinkled better than any star. #FF0000 ">his family was appalled in his inability to do so. #FF0000 ">his peers always laughed at him not being able to do it. #FF0000 ">every time he tried(comma) no light appeared(period) he gave up and lost all hope. he started to realize he was a let down to every one. he lost all inspiration(till) but one night a miracle happened. light started to pump through his body . he felt tense(as) a huge bulb of light spread around his body. truly a miracle(delete this sentence). he started(began) to smile. just when he was losing hope.(comma no period) just when he was about to give up.(Comma no period) every one gathered around and saw that huge light before their eyes. #FF0000 ">a once laughed at star who every one thought was a failure began to twinkle so brightly. #FF0000 ">brighter than other star in the world. #FF0000 ">he became a hero.


You have alot of grammar and spelling mistakes which I put in color and fixed. Also, this was to fast for me, try seperating things out and watch out for run on sentences and sentence fragments!!

Hi Greatman

I actually really like this. And I really like that you used no capitalization, because it makes it feel a bit more surreal. You do however need to work on your spelling, because it can just look clumsy without it. I like how it can kind of feel like a child's bedtime story with lines like

"his dream was to twinkle one day"

But it also has a lot of sad and sweet touches like

"the lonely ugly star felt left out in the world"

So I guess bitter sweet is the best way to describe this.

Hey! Here's Esther to review as promised!

Okay, I like this a lot. It's simple, like a fairy tale, but suprisingly it as emotional attachment. But listen, grammar is the key. Your story is adorable, but it is hard to take seriously if it isn't grammatically correct. You have a good story-make it better. AlyKat pointed out the errors.

Second-I was so sad that this was so short. I wanted to read more. I believe most readers would feel the same way. I think you should lengthen out the story of the star's transformation. Instead of it happening out of the blue, I think you should have some force cause it to happen. It would give it more plot and more of a story quality. Overall, I liked this. It just needs more polish.

Good job,

Esther

Hey there, Jorge. I'm going to review for you. Okay, so this story is pretty fun... xD There's one thing I should really critic about it though, and that's the fact that there's not even ONE single uppercase in this piece. Every sentence should start with uppercase, okay?

Nitpicks:

greatman wrote:#FF0000 ">In a family of perfect beautiful glowingy #FF0000 ">stars#FF0000 ">, in which all other #FF0000 ">stars looked up to wanted to be like and worshiped there was a ugly clumsy #FF0000 ">star with a dull light which never twinkled.

Look how you mentioned the word "stars" three times when you really didn't have to. It sounds repetitive. You can change the second one by "one", or something like that.

greatman wrote:no one ever paid attention to him.

greatman wrote:#FF0000 ">Every one always said #FF0000 ">hes a dissapointment to his family and that he #FF0000 ">shouldnt be one of them.

You forgot apostrophes in those two words, Jorge.

greatman wrote: he started to realise he was a let down to every one.

I think there should be a "that" after "realise".

greatman wrote:he lost all inspiration#FF0000 ">, but one night a miracle happened.

There should be a comma before "but".

greatman wrote: he became a hero.

Haha Nice... xD

Write more!

~Solvy <3

Hi,

What?! No capitalization whatsoever. No commas, spelling errors, sentences are too long, apostrophes. PAY ATTENTION!!!
NO detail, and absolutely pointless. Was there supposed to be a lesson? How was he a hero? Most of the short sentences could've been combined. His parents WERE not was. You spelled liked wrong. Plus, if no one paid attention to him, why did he always get insulted? This story makes hardly any sense. This is something a 6 year old me would write! With less mistakes! If you want to write, use your foundations: Grammar. Did you forget everything from school? Even simple capitalization you seem to have forgotten. You failed. Try again.

Farewell,
A.

P.s. High viscosity. No flow at all!

How cool is this =)

I agree with what Gracie said entirely. It's surreal and sweet and almost fairytale-like. I reeeally like it!

There was a struggle, which enticed me to root for the little star. And by the end I was happy he could twinkle!

Although, his transformation was sudden -- which could seem a wee forced? =/ -- considering his lengthy struggle. But what do I know, that can very well happen if you want it to! Aheeheehee! Still, a few things to consider.

The story is already pretty meaningful, so it would only enhance it to give more detail when he blossoms.

Great, Greatman!

~Ceely

I loved it!!
I don't know why but it reminded me of the little book called rainbow fish. He had all these pretty shiny rainbow scales and no one else did. He laughed at all the other people since they didn't have scales like he did. But, one little fish tiny and grey like all the others, asked him. "Why are you so mean? We can't help the fact that we don't have scales like you do! But, could I by chance have one?" So, he gave him a scale, and long story short he ended up loosing all his scales. But, everyone was so much nicer to him and blah, blah, blah. It doesn't sound anything like your story, but for some reason it gave me that same warm feeling that I got when my older brother first read it to me when I was six. I had a clear morale, and I found it to be a very sweet very cute story. Now, the grammar could use some work, but I'm sure you'll find it all if you re-read through it. But, other than that great story! Keep on writing!