The Boy Who Ate

Every time his parents fought,
he ate more than he ought.
For his emotions he was not ready,
so in gym he got too sweatty.

Although he wore a happy face,
he had many things to face.
And the kids made fun of him
for eating too much on a whim.

So when you see that fat boy,
with his feelings you should not toy.
He is fragile, despite his weight
and does not respond well to hate.

Naoow, this is so sad! I feel so sorry for the little boy.. or big boy I donno ^^ Great imagery and eeh, some rhymes were a slight bit forced but I barely noticed because the flow was impeccable... (I love that word.. I'm kind of abusing it but it just sounds so... I donno.. it's a great word) Anyhowss. it kinda was so.. no worries! Also, great structure and stanzas so ehm.. Yeh. Nice job!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

D'aww. D: What a sad poem! I don't know why I tend to like reading stuff like this. I guess it's because I like to see writers show understanding for the pain of others, rather than their own pain or tribulations. Sometimes the best kind of writing is sad writing, and it's the easiest way to portray your own thoughts or feelings through the third person or through others.

But anyway! Well firstly, I think that the overall message was told very nicely and your message was very clear as well. Which is the important thing basically. But with poetry, especially rhyming poetry, there needs to be a constant rhythm and pace. You can't really stop short in places and have the rhymes read so spacey or even too close together in some places. Keep a count in your head and work to stay rhythmic with the pace while writing out what you have.

I think that you have a really nice start here, but it could make any even better second or third draft once you clean up the tiny imperfections that are sticking out. Like this for example:

For his emotions he was not ready,
so in gym he got too sweaty.

This was just a very short rhyme in comparison to some of the other smoother lines. Also this:

So when you see that fat boy,
with his feelings you should not toy.
He is fragile, despite his weight
and does not respond well to hate.

The first two lines seem to differ in pace from the two last ones. It's things like this that can be somewhat difficult to fix, but in the end are worth it if what is read sound smooth and catchy. So nice poem I think, and good luck if and when you decide to edit!

-Smylin'

Thanks.

Every time his parents fought,
he ate more than he ought. Ought doesn't sound right.
For his emotions he was not ready,
so in gym he got too sweaty. Honestly, I don't like this line. Its not poetic, you can't go from poetic to not, to bipolar.

Although he wore a happy face,
he had many things to face. Don't use face twice.
And the kids made fun of him
for eating too much on a whim. You are using the same word to rhyme with the line above. Try an ABAB rhyme.

So when you see that fat boy,
with his feelings you should not toy.
He is fragile, despite his weight
and does not respond well to hate. Who does?

I like the point your trying to get across, but the poem is rough. It needs a lot of work with the words you are rhyming. Play around with them thats all.

Whilst the idea behind the poem is good, the form you have used doesn't really fit it. Many of your rhymes appear forced and therefore drag away from the overall enjoyment of the poem.
Work out the rough edges, return with a brand new shiney, polished piece of work and let the 'likes' roll in. Good luck!