By the River, In the Park

I saw the wind stir up the clear surface,
Expanding ripples flashing in the sun.
It sent dry leaves to skate ahead with whispers,
This squeezed my heart, I broke into a run.

The grainy asphalt fell away below me,
An earth worm huddled on the alley’s edge.
Elm leaves applauded, flashing silver bellies,
Childhood memories gently breached my cage.

Hey there!

First of all, capitals! Please D: (I'm talking about the title.)

2.

It sent dry leaves to skate ahead with whispers.

I love this discription!

3. There aren't any puntuation marks! Check the spoiler:

Spoiler

I saw the wind stir up the clear surface#FF0000 ">,
The liquid ripples flashing in the sun#FF0000 ">.
It sent dry leaves to skate ahead with whispers#FF0000 ">,
This squeezed my heart, I broke into a run#FF0000 ">.

The grainy asphalt fell away below me#FF0000 ">,
An earth worm huddled on the alley’s edge#FF0000 ">.
Elm leaves applauded, flashing silver bellies#FF0000 ">,
Childhood memories gently breached my cage#FF0000 ">.

Okay?

4.

The liquid ripples flashing in the sun

Liquid? Nah... doesn't fit.

Overall: It was amazing! Really! I love your discriptions, but what really set me off was the shortness of it. It ended a bit too quick for my liking.

Also, just another suggestion. Change the title to 'Childhood memories.' It sounds more catch-y. But then again, its up to you

Keep it up!

-JT.

Justtrying,
thanks very much. Acted on all advice except the name

I saw the wind stir up the clear surface, (nice first line)
Expanding ripples flashing in the sun (good revision there)
It sent dry leaves to skate ahead with whispers, (I like the imagery with the leaves skating)
This squeezed my heart, I broke into a run.

The grainy asphalt fell away below me,
An earth worm huddled on the alley’s edge. (This is a nice line, but it seems to slow the poem a little.)
Elm leaves applauded, flashing silver bellies,
Childhood memories gently breached my cage. (Oh, I love the last line. Now I'm feeling all nostalgic for my own childhood.)

Oh yeah, Emmaline, I needed that

Aaow, this is a great poem! Short but not too simple... positive thing! You've got such great imagery, I agree on the two previous speakers about the "Leaves skating" very creative! You've fixed the punctuation I see, which is now impeccable. I can't find any flaws when it comes to the rythm and flow so... all I can say is. LOVED IT!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hi!
Love the adjectives in this poem!! It's very well written and makes me really feel what the subject of the poem is feeling. Great Work

DropsOfSummer

I really liked your poem, it makes the reader feel as if everything described in it happens to him/her. The only thing I would recommend you to change is the last line... The meaning is great, but this line kind of ruins the rhyme of a poem. I would change it from
"The grainy asphalt fell away below me,
An earth worm huddled on the alley’s edge.
Elm leaves applauded, flashing silver bellies,
Childhood memories gently breached my cage."
to
"The grainy asphalt fell away below me,
An earth worm huddled on the alley’s edge.
Elm leaves applauded, flashing silver bellies,
And memories of childhood breached my cage."
As for me, it's better: meaning is the same, but it just reads easier and sound better.