Now a Skeleton

Do you see a smile behind those blue eyes?
I don't and I'm her creator.
She looks away, that dreaming look appears.
Her heart wants, needs, lusts for her own blood.

Is it a sin to fight for the final end?
Scars line her arms, traces of the blade.
Bruises along her torso, she claims they are hers.
Ribs sticking out, of a hunger she knows too well.
Hollow cheeks and a long face, full of sorrow.
Lank hair hangs on her shoulder, bony hands brush it.
A body women would die for, ugly she says.
A mere skeleton of the creature I made.

How could it have gone so out of control?

This is based on a lot of things in my life, so judge freely. You can find this character in "Dear Lucy", when I get around to introducing her.

Okay, this was quite interesting. At first, I was a bit confused about the 'I'm her creator' part, but then I realised that it must have been something relating to the story you mentioned at the end. So we gather that the character cuts themself... but I feel that that only focused on that point when you could have added something else... more emotions, maybe more about the character's appearance because of this depression they have? Over all, this was a very good poem.

I was confused as well about the "I am her creator" thing but the end cleared that up This was very descriptive and captivating and it reminds me a lot of this girl I know who wants to commit suicide. She's one of the prettiest people I know but for some reason she can't see what everyone else does. Anyway, good job!

Veritas

Hi-ya!!! Here's my comments!!

Do you see a smile behind those blue eyes? I love how you bring the reader straight into the setting, and give us something to grab onto with detail!
I don't and I'm her creator. This is blunt and forward, yet sets the feel for the rest.
She looks away, sighing as she does. I'd change this into something with more grip to it. Maybe: with a far away look in her eyes.
Her heart wants, needs, lusts for her own blood. Great line!

Is it a sin? I'd expand this line and make it deeper. Maybe: Is it a sin to live seeking for the end?
Scars line her arms, scrapping traces of the blade.
Bruises along her torso, she claims many. ???
Ribs sticking out, of a hunger she knows too well.
Hollow cheeks and a long face, full of sorrow. Great details!
Lank hair hangs on her shoulder, bony hands brush it.
A body women would die for, ugly she says.
A mere skeleton of the creature I made.

How could it have gone so out of control?

Brilliant work!!! Hope my comments make sense!! PM my with any questions! I love your imagery and sense of a physical setting that plays out wonderfully in words! Great work!

Can't say anything anyone else hasn't about this, besides that I think it's excellent!
I'm sure we can all relate to this is some shape or form.
Keep it up =D

Excellent piece of work! I absolutely agree with the concept and the purpose behind it. Most of our damage is self inflicted and it rarely comes from an external source, we only have ourselves to blame for always wanting more utill eventually ending up with nothing--Much like the girl in your poem. She like most wanted a killer physique and like the minority got it, but, given her desire to want more she ended up as a suicidal skeleton. How profound. We really should be content with what we have.

Beautiful piece of work.

Abyss.

Naay, this is so depressing.. a good depress though. But I feel so sorry for the girl.. I wanna help her, she seems so very, very sad and lonely. I do like the topic you've chosen though, it's a deep one and hard to write about. Another thing i like is how you've given your character a life of her own.. even though she didn't treat your generosity of free will the way one would've hopes it's still a nice idea! Hope you write her a happy ending!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

This is really good! It actually reminds me of when I create a character in a novel with certain hopes and dreams for her and then she goes and does something completely different to what I wanted in the first place. It's depressing but she's my creation and I can't disown her!
Your grammer and spelling was good and you have coveyed the message behind your poem clearly. Well done!