Future Sisters-in-laws, stay back!

Future sister-in-laws: Not Wanted
___________________________________________________
Of all the women I had to kill,
she wasn't on my list, until
my sister found a charming young man,
I met his sister, and my hatred began!
From tales told by the mouth of my sister,
this girl was rather the pain in a blister!

Well, his sister was no beaut'.
And sadly, she wasn't mute.
Not a songbird, nor a Siren,
I'd rather listen to an orgasming Ryan!*

She forced my sister to never speak up,
with her circle of friends, they were corrupt,
of a curse to forever hate each other,
with secret tongues that'd disappoint their mother!

And day after after day,
she couldn't stand it being this way,
and to my sister I'll have to say
"he better not become your Fiance!
No way, no how, am I dealing with her,
I'll kill her and bury her, that, I'm sure."

At family meetings, how'd they turn out,
is trying to stop me, throughout,
from letting me at her, and the other
and if not, her also shameful mother.
The two who dared speak ill of my ancestors and race,
they should be shipped off to Brazil, without a trace!

So, I'll be telling my sister everyday,
" 'lemme put it this way,
stay the helluva away,
or I shall be killing someone today!"

And so ends my long, tragic tale,
of a .. very dislikable person,
of whom I'll thrown at,
a stolen holy grail.

So just for a warning, I'll leave it very clear,
implanted in you, should be fear,
stay away from my sister dear,
or according to you, death is coming very, very near.

___________________________________________________

A/N:
*My ex-boyfriend previous/Best friend today. Not the best rhyme, but hey, no one's perfect. I'm not responsible for any Google searches gone wrong.

Um, yeah. Co-written and helped edited was my actual sister. I just love to think of myself as the missing older brother who wouldn't let a Prince even look at my sister if he was unworthy. Haha.

..Yes, the girl of which I've never stated her name, is just that much of a female dog. :I I think only her brother(my sister's boyfriend) and his father are the good ones. Her mother is outrageous, being such a flaming hater. Like seriously. I should mail them to them how I feel. Hah, I have no life.

Feel free to review. A companion piece to I'm Saving My Sister should be churned out soon, haha(: But, I think this is much better. Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far! :/

Have a lovely day/evening/whatever ~~

~ItsRainbowInked

2 out of 10

PROS:
--great opening, really caught my interest
--the rhyming and tone of the poem is very cool, humorous

TO WORK ON:
--referencing people/things that readers wouldn't get takes away from the piece
--stanza 5 line 2, awkward/confusing sentence

Hi,

The title and opening lines really drew me in. You maintain a great comic tone throughout, and I enjoyed this very much. The ending worked very well.

I'd avoid anything in this particular poem that needs a footnote to explain it (Ryan.)

I'd read this aloud to get a better sense of where the rhythm is off or the rhyme is forced, e.g "pain in the blister" doesn't make much sense, so it sounds forced, and stanza four was too long and choppy. I'd try to be consistent with rhythm and rhyme throughout, as they are the driving forces of this poem. "Holy grail" was also very forced and didn't fit here.

Hope this helps,

Jas

This is okay. I liked the rhyming and the light, funny subject matter, although the grammar needs some work. All in all, it could be better and could be worse. I think if you went back slowly and edited everything, it could be really good though. Good poem.