Dance In The Rain.

I know this one is far from fantastic, but it's been like a skeleton in my cupboard ever since I wrote it and I seriously need some help with it. Ideas?


The droplets beat down on my head
Determined to numb my thought
I felt it slowly but surely spread
Like a great song, the moment I caught

The downpour kept humming
It got a little too hard to control
The drops wouldn’t stop drumming
My head started to dig itself a hole

It was all too much, too strong
Not enough space to store it all
For something else I would long
Maybe an end or no more of the fall

It swept me away with the tide
I cried as it consumed my heart
As it took away my soul and all the pride
My mind was in divide and I didn’t understand the new part

So I screamed out for help
To stop the endless storm
It was hopeless, my scream, my yelp
And still the tide would not conform

I found the strength deep inside
The hope flared within me like fire
I pushed away the blinding tide
In a vigor without dire

So I breathed again and watched the glass
And thought as I watched the droplets again
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass
It’s about learning to dance in the rain

Hey,
Happy to be your first review of this piece!

Determined to numb my thought

I know you put it as thought so that it would rythme, but it still rythmes and makes much more sense if you put it as thoughts.

Like a great song, the moment I caught

The moment you caught what? The storm?

My mind was in divide and I didn’t understand the new part

this line seems to break the flow of your poem, and it's too long. Maybe try breaking it up and rearranging the words to make it fit better.

Overall I really liked this poem, but at times it felt like you tried to hard to make certain words rythme. I absolutely love the last stanza. I hope this helps. If you have any questions or need another review fell free to ask.

Have a great day,
Tiffany

Thank you very much for the review - I appreciate every word.

Hey there,

It's been a long time since I've been online, much less reviewed anything. So please bear with me.
First, I like the poem itself, I found I was able to relate to it. And I love it when I can do that. One small thing however is the punctuation. Since there is none, I found it a little hard to read. For example in the first stanza, I had to re-read it a couple times to make sure I was reading it right. I know many people choose not to put punctuation in poems, but I find it does help.
This stanza:

"It swept me away with the tide
I cried as it consumed my heart
As it took away my soul and all the pride
My mind was in divide and I didn’t understand the new part"

This is my favorite aside from the last. (The last stanza is awesome by the way.) Though you might want to find a way to rewrite the last line in this one, and maybe make it shorter? It dosen't fit very well with the rest.

Like I said, it's been awhile, and I hope I helped a bit. I'm nowhere near what I should be to be giving reveiws, so please keep in mind that this was only my opinion, and since I didn't write this, it's not really mine that matters, its yours. Someome once told me; "Write for yourself first, otherwise there's no point." And you know what? He was right.

God Bless,
Amber.

There's no need to apologize - your review was great and it honestly did help. Welcome back, btw, and thanks for taking the time to look at my work. I appreciate every praise and criticism.

Yo Mama.

Like most rhyming poems, that's about 99.9%, the problem is always how the rhyme forces the sound of the rhyme. We get forced rhyming. We get highly artificial flavors in our mouths. It doesn't mean much of anything to us the reader.

The droplets beat down on my head
Determined to numb my thought
I felt it slowly but surely spread
Like a great song, the moment I caught

The downpour kept humming
It got a little too hard to control
The drops wouldn’t stop drumming
My head started to dig itself a hole

Your diction is informal in a way that's alarming and takes my attention away from this being a poem.

"got a little too hard to control"

^Much too casual.

Also, the lines don't flow cleanly, you lack all forms of punctuation, so it reads like roller coaster that stops not because of periods or commas, but awkward awkward phrasing.

That's too much, that's too little. Sift the ingredients with a fine toothed comb and see what's really happening that I can understand poetically except a narration of something plopping on your speaker's head.

It was all too much, too strong
Not enough space to store it all
For something else I would long
Maybe an end or no more of the fall

It swept me away with the tide
I cried as it consumed my heart
As it took away my soul and all the pride
My mind was in divide and I didn’t understand the new part

So I screamed out for help
To stop the endless storm
It was hopeless, my scream, my yelp
And still the tide would not conform

I found the strength deep inside
The hope flared within me like fire
I pushed away the blinding tide
In a vigor without dire

So I breathed again and watched the glass
And thought as I watched the droplets again
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass
It’s about learning to dance in the rain

More of the same. Your rhythm gets wackier, your lines gets more congested and repetitive, the rhyme also stops working, a bunch of near perfects and then not rhymes altogether.

The ending basically says what you were trying to do here. Ok. That's like reading the ingredients label on food for what it has in it, then wondering what is also in the food the company isn't telling you about, and wishing you hadn't bought the fatty product in the first place.

Live and learn. I would avoid rhymes and try to communicate what you mean here first. Then make it more than just...dancing in the rain. I can just watch Singing in the Rain for that.

I understand what you're saying about the rhyme, and like I've said, I'm already looking into that - I wrote this when I was 11 and I didn't have much of a grasp on poetry. I'll take another look at it today and maybe re-post it.

Not much of a review, but..
I liked it. I've learned to love the rain over the years. I used to hate it, used to think it hindered me from being outside. But now I love dancing in the rain. I love the sound of it knocking on my window. So this piece actually touched me more than you'd think it could!

Now, just saying, I can see someone singing this.

Also, at the end, the rhythm is off. Could you say something else like, "I shouldn't have to wait out the storm,/I should dance in the rain."