Going From New-York To California

Oh will you Shutup and help me move this road block!!!!!! Yelled McKinzi. Bryan lifts the road block but drops in a split second because it was heavy. There i helped. Says Bryan sarcastically. Uh guys we've got problems! yelled Carlie and Lauren. Bryan turns around and says Kinzi turn around. McKinzi turns around and yells what!!!!! Oh... that. The kids were surrounded by cops! Bryan yells run for your recently shortened lives!!!! But where would they run the cops were surrounding them! Bryan yells Oh its no use! The cops quickly get out of there cars to see what the kids are doing. The Kids will be interrogated until they give us answers! Well someone doesn’t want fudge tonight. says Bryan. After two hours the security guard fell asleep. Bryan Quickly grabbed the guard’s keys unlocked the door and left the interrogation room only to find McKinzi looking for Him and the others. Bryan oh my god. I cant believe i found you. says McKinzi. How did you get out of your interrogation room? asked Bryan. I punched him in the face. said McKinzi. Bryan and McKinzi move down the hall until they get to the next door. Bryan opens one of the door and looks inside. Lauren! Lauren looks at Bryan while crying. Bryan sees that there is no guard. come on we dont have much time! Bryan I cant. Why not. Because the security guard is about to hit you with a frying pan. Bryan turns around and ducks to the ground. Bryan gets back up grabs the pan and hits the security guard with it. Lauren quickly runs out of the room stepping over the security guard. They go down further down the hall until they get to the next door. McKinzi opens the door just to find Carlie in a Loonie room McKinzi grabs Carlie to leave. They had an argument over where we were going. its getting pretty late. says McKinzi. I know we need to find shelter. Says Bryan. Its starting to get pretty windy out here. says Carlie. I know. Says Lauren. Guys look! says Bryan Pointing to an old barn. At-least its not raining. it. starts raining really hard. Spoke to soon. says Lauren. Run to the barn!! Yells Bryan. they all run to the barn. when they get in the barn they find out that it is a mansion in disguise. oh boy. says Bryan. Mckinzi,Bryan,Carlie and Lauren all pushed the heavy door until it closed

Heya. In order to make this easier on the eyes, I'll show you what paragraphing means and how stories should be formatted. Corrections are in bold and things that need to be deleted are in strikethrough.

"Oh will you Sshutup and help me move this road block!!!!!!" Yyelled McKinzi.

Bryan lifts lifted the road block but drops dropped in a split second because it was heavy. "There i I helped," Ssays Bryan sarcastically.

"Uh guys we've got problems!" yelled Carlie and Lauren.

Bryan turns turned around and says said, "Kinzi turn around."

McKinzi turns turned around and yells yelled, "wWhat!!!!!"

Notice how each line of dialogue now has its own paragraph. Normally, you start a new paragraph to show somebody else is speaking, or to show the start of a new idea. This makes the text a lot less overwhelming to read.

Also, dialogue should have " <- those marks around them. Quotation marks. And, as I said in the actual story, only one piece of punctuation.

Watch your capitalization. I caught a few miscapitalized words in there. Words should only be capitalized when they are proper nouns (names, titles, ect), the letter "I" alone, when they start a new sentence, or at the start of dialogue.

Also, your tenses. I'm wondering if you meant the story to be present tense, in which case "yelled" should be "yells" at the very beginning. Either way, once you pick a tense (past or present) you should stick to it.

Spice up your word choice a bit. Reading over the small section I formatted for you, the word "turned" showed up three times in two (short) paragraphs. It gets very repetitive, and it's best to use different words so readers don't get bored with your word choice.

In general, I think you should brush up on grammar to help make your stories more readable. The link is to the grammar section of the knowledge base, which has a lot of awesome articles.

The takeaway:

1- Paragraphs should be started whenever somebody else is going to speak, as I've shown you above. Also, every time you introduce a new idea, have a new paragraph. Take a look at how text is broken up in other stories, both published and on YWS, to see how they use paragraphs for both readability and emphasis.
2- Make sure your tenses are consistent. If you're going to use past tense, use it throughout. If you're going to use present tense, use it throughout. Past tense is the most common to see in stories, but it's not unheard of to have present tense.
3- Only use one piece of punctuation at the end of each sentence, especially dialogue. Quotation marks do not count as punctuation when used around dialogue, and really should be around all dialogue. Unless you make it incredibly clear what is dialogue and what isn't (which did not happen here; it's just easier to use quotes).
4- I didn't even get into the quality of the writing here, when you're missing a few basic components, such as tension and a connection to the character (the general question being "why should I care?"). Since this is probably the beginning of a story, I'd look at this article which you need to use.
5- Use points 1 to 3 and apply them to the whole work, as I did not do that for you. Use point 4 to rewrite this beginning so we have a reason to keep reading, as is sorely lacking here. My only question is "why should I care about this?"

Hope this helped.

~Rosey

This a a story with lots of potential that hasn't really been realised yet. There is nowt much else I can say really, when all that I think should happen has been mentioned in the review above, although if I were to give you another tip it would be to use description more; a lot of the writing consisted of "He did this" and "She did that"- adjectives, metaphors and the like will spice up your writing, and also make the piece longer!