The Other Side

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There it was—the most beautiful thing a seven-year-old boy could lay eyes on. It was about as big as the nickel resting in his pocket—that is, if said nickel was about an inch from his eye.

It was the very last crystal-clear puddle left on the gravel driveway that hadn't been previously splashed to pieces by Tommy and his clunky, rubbery red galoshes. The others weren't any good for jumping now—they were all muddied up from the numerous impacts from the boy's shoes.

Tommy's mother watched him with one eye while reading a book with the other. Her wide-eyed son fervently regarded this masterpiece with a sort of reverence, one that was clearly lost on her. But it had long since been discovered by the young boy that mothers didn't understand this kind of magical wonder that came about when a hole-punctured road met a heavy spring shower.

As he gazed into the depths of this particular pool, he made careful observations with specially trained eyes that one must need under these circumstances. Eying it, Tommy revered the water's utter clarity. Because as he looked, another boy looked right back.

Tommy was conflicted at this point in time. He could tell, even feel it in the pit of his stomach, that this was important. Should he leave this final puddle alone, unscathed, or should he banish the reflection of himself to oblivion with a simple stomp of his foot? He'd have to make up his mind soon, on account of it was nearly suppertime and his mother could call him in at any second.

He knelt by the puddle and considered his options. As he thought, the boy in the puddle thought right along with him. They stared at each other, and it got so intense that Tommy told that boy don't make those eyes at me cause this is a tough decision I gotta make here. He sort of waved his hand above the water and the other boy did too. He blinked and frowned, too indecisive to act.

Tommy held his hand there, just barely hovering above the surface, and cautiously lowered one finger into the center of the water and then



Silence.



In that very instant, Tommy found that he was upside down. He could no longer hear the wind, the birds, anything.



And that's when he saw him.



The boy on the other side laughed, a frightening, familiar sound that was distorted and distant, how most sounds are when one is underwater. Tommy screamed soundlessly and banged his fists against the surface of the water but it felt solid under his weak hands. Not even a ripple came forth from his efforts.

He could see all of it—the vast expanse that he had been living in just moments before—were on the other side. Noticing his own surroundings, the hideous, watery reflection of the sky, the trees, his entire world.

Just then, a distant call—his beautiful, sweet mother. Her real son watched in horror as the imposter put on a pleasant expression and called back, rising in preparation to leave. The boy leaned over Tommy, grinning with terrible fanged teeth, and winked the way friends to when they share a secret.

Tommy screamed silently once again as he saw the last thing he ever would—a massive, red foot crashing down onto the fragile world that he had wanted to destroy himself.
Last edited by DevanEWilliams on Mon Aug 01, 2011 10:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Stay away from limbo bears.
And always have extra marshmallows on hand in case of emergencies.

High Quality Reviews Available Here! viewtopic.php?f=188&t=96280




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There it was—the most beautiful thing a seven-year-old boy could lay eyes on. It was about as big as the nickel resting in his pocket—that is, if said nickel was about an inch from his eye.

It was the very last crystal-clear puddle left on the gravel driveway that hadn't been previously splashed to pieces by Tommy and his clunky, rubbery red galoshes. The others weren't any good for jumpin' now—they were all muddied up from the numerous impacts from the boy's shoes.

Tommy's mother watched him with one eye while readin' a book with the other. Her wide-eyed son fervently regarded this masterpiece with a sort of reverence, one that was clearly lost on her. But it had long since been discovered by the young boy that mothers didn't understand this kind of magical wonder that came about when a hole-punctured road met a heavy spring shower.

As he gazed into the depths of this particular pool, he made careful observations with specially trained eyes that one must need under these circumstances. Eying it, Tommy revered the water's utter clarity. 'Cause as he looked, another boy looked right back.

Tommy was conflicted at this point in time. He could tell, even feel it in the pit of his stomach, that this was important. Should he leave this final puddle alone, unscathed, or should he banish the reflection of himself to oblivion with a simple stomp of his foot? He'd have to make up his mind soon, on account of it was nearly suppertime and his mother could call him in at any second.

He knelt by the puddle and considered his options. As he thought, the boy in the puddle thought right along with him. They stared at each other, and it got so intense that Tommy told that boy don't make those eyes at me cause this is a tough decision I gotta make here. He sort of waved his hand above the water and the other boy did too. He blinked and frowned, too indecisive to act.

Tommy held his hand there, just barely hovering above the surface, and cautiously lowered one finger into the center of the water and then



Silence.
In that very instant, Tommy found that he was upside down. He could no longer hear the wind, the birds, anything.,
And that's when he saw him.
The boy on the other side laughed, a frightening, familiar sound that was distorted and distant, how most sounds are when one is underwater. Tommy screamed soundlessly and banged his fists against the surface of the water but it felt solid under his weak hands. Not even a ripple came forth from his efforts.
He could see all of it—the vast expanse that he had been living in just moments before—were on the other side. Noticing his own surroundings, the hideous, watery reflection of the sky, the trees, his entire world.
Just then, a distant call—his beautiful, sweet mother. Her real son watched in horror as the imposter put on a pleasant expression and called back, rising in preparation to leave. The boy leaned over Tommy, grinning with terrible fanged teeth, and winked the way friends to when they share a secret.
Tommy screamed silently once again as he saw the last thing he ever would—a massive, red foot crashing down onto the fragile world that he had wanted to destroy himself.


It might be Just be but i think it would be better if you put it a little closer to together and very good story i like it.
! Time to Write !




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Fantastic mystical story! Just to start with the nit-picks: I don't think it's necessary to use dialect when the story is told in third person omnicient point of view. You did so with the words "readin', "jumpin", "'cause", and "gotta". It's unnecessary and could be considered bad grammer. Also in
And that's when he saw



him.


The "him" and the rest of the sentence need to be together. I guess that was probably just a typing error though.

I feel as though I've heard more than one similar story before, including one involving a mirror in an R.L. Stine book, but the puddle and the innocent seven year old boy are very original! I like how he takes his time studying it before finally touching it. He takes in the undisturbed puddle's beauty while most adults would never think about that. Based on him becoming trapped in it and having an evil doppleganger placed in his world, I think this story should be classified under either Science-Fiction or Fantasy.It was a shocking ending to have the puddle destroyed with him in it.

I guess that the evil boy that replaces him in the real world could represent the evil in all of us, that even the most innocent of children possess. It leaves the reader in suspense on what kind of disastorousness could the evil twin bring about upon the world. Great work, and keep writing! :)




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Reviews 56
Thanks so much for your feedback! I really didn't know what to expect when I entered this, being new to this site, but I'm excited to write more. Your comments were very helpful. I will hopefully entering more soon!
Devan
Stay away from limbo bears.
And always have extra marshmallows on hand in case of emergencies.

High Quality Reviews Available Here! viewtopic.php?f=188&t=96280



I think the best thing about making it into the quote generator is when nobody tells you, so one day you're just scrolling and voila, some phenomenally inane thing that crawled out of your dying synapses and immediately regretted being born the second it made contact with the air has been archived for all time. Or worse, a remark of only average inanity. Never tell me when you've put me in the generator. Pride-tinged regret just doesn't taste the same without the spice of surprise.
— SirenCymbaline