Unsure of yet.

The sound of my name being softly uttered like a mere whisper of the wind jolts me awake just as dawn is breaking. The faint smell of mint incense wrafts through the room; burning my throat terribly. My eyes scour this way and that to find the source of the whisper. As they take in the scenery, to my horror, this was no long my room. Even though the mint scented candles I had lit earlier were burning faintly; they were transparent. Along the cream colored walls were posters of bands called Skillet and Within Temptation instead of my pictures of nature and pentagrams.
Dazed, I turn to face, what I hope, the direction of the bed. Laying on it is a young woman with a thick tomb resting in her hands.. my eyes widen with recognition. It was Adero. She had sent me a letter the previous week with a picture. I had framed it and still treasure the photo even now. My heart skips a beat as she mutters in discouragement, "I don't think I can pass this test, Nastusia."

I reach out to touch her hand but I was also transparent. It was as if I was a ghost. Frowning in discontent, I wonder how to convey my emotions. Focusing, I close my eyes. Summoning all my strength I concentrate on pushing my encouragement at her while thinking, 'You can do it, Adero."

Her head jerks up and her eyes stare directly at where I float, invisible. Her mouth opens in shock as she questions, 'You're there?'

I grin to myself and send all my delight and thoughts of her achieving this test. She smiles, but it fades quickly.

Concern sparking, I whisper, 'What's wrong?' in her mind while wrapping her in a fog of worry and support.

She shakes her head silently and turns back to her book to study. A clear message. It's nothing. Frustrated with my lack of capability to communicate with her I settle for watching her. Hungrily, I take in every movement. Each mood that crosses her face and lightens up her dark eyes.

Time passes and finally she closes the book. Setting it on her beside table she stretches out on the bed. I smile lightly as she snuggles deep under her covers and send to her, 'Are you going to bed?'

She lets out a soft sigh. She was afraid to ask but she looks to where I am to question, 'Do you really love me?'

I am startled. I let my shock, but also, my love, 'Of course I do.'

She looks disheartened and presses, "But is it only as a sister?'

Now uncertain, I stumble over my words in complete confusion, 'I'm not sure, but I'm not going to reject you should this bond prove to be more than just that of sisters.'

She smiles now, at ease, You really are stronger than death. You've touched so many people's heart that you shall live on in their memories, Nastusia.'

I blush. "As will you, Adero. You really are the one who creates light. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you.' I affectionately say as we gaze at each other.

We both shudder at the thought and laugh. Unable to resist, she yawns. Chuckling in her mind, I speak quietly, "Sleep well, my sister.'

Her eyes close and as I appear in my bed I hear her soft whisper, 'Sleep well, my twin soul.'

With a light heart, I drift to sleep feeling as if her arms were wrapped securely around me.

After two read-throughs, my impression of the story is such: this is about twin sisters, one of whom is dead, communicating with each other via some unexplored means (I suspect, though I don't like to stereotype, it is some goth magic), with a healthy dose of twincest suggestion at the end. The big question I come here to ask: what is the point?

But before we get to that point, let's explore the story a little bit more. First of all, the description of the main character's room. "Pictures of nature and pentagrams" -- I will tell you what kind of imagery this conjures up for me. I get the impression of a teenage wannabe Wiccan who, wandering like a ghost in a daze through adolescence, happens upon some religion which is stereotypically associated with people who "don't fit in". Thus, in an attempt to associate with other Wiccans, she plasters her room with pictures of nature (because Wicca is all about that) and pentagrams (because they're scary and because Wicca is also all about that).

Upon reading the above paragraph it may seem that I'm bashing the entire concept of Wicca -- however, my opinions of it have nothing to do with the issue at hand. The issue, then, is that (in quite a contrast to the rest of the story) the descriptions are very vague and basic. This does two things. By saying "pictures of nature and pentagrams" rather than "paintings of Yggdrasil, the world tree and permutations of the sigil of Baphomet", it is implied that the character is disinterested in what she hangs up on the wall -- in other words, it's just for show. The second thing is that by mentioning them anyway the astute reader will get a sense of insecurity from the main character -- as if she has to remind herself that she has these things hanging on her wall and what they say about herself as a person.

The above all becomes a problem when we step back and take a look at the story as a whole (we haven't really moved very far with this review yet, have we?). What exactly are we reading? A witch casting magic to see her dead sister? Well, because of what I said about the whole magic thing seeming excessively fake right now, that's kind of implausible. So my thoughts start straying from the path you have seemingly laid for them to take, and suddenly the story seems more like someone's fever dream trip-- someone who is also being tortured by her subconscious for some hidden guilt of a recently deceased sibling. Quite sad, that -- though not, I'm sure, what you had in mind.

And finally, the big question: what did you have in mind when you wrote this piece? Character development? Scenery writing? Plot?... I am only forced to guess. This could maybe work as a novel, but definitely not as a short story. I'm just not sure what I was reading.

In terms of technical stuff, there are a few issues -- mainly tired similes and cliche metaphors, alongside some old-fashioned spelling mistakes ("wrafts" is not a word, however "wafts" is). So-- edit, edit, edit. I suggest you go through this and cull the unnecessary passages-- for example, why mention the names of the bands? Do they play a crucial plot story? If they don't serve neither plot nor the atmosphere (which they don't), they should be removed. After you're done that, clean up the wording a little, and delve into the scene a bit more, to make the main character seem like an actual witch.

Your candle,
cC

Spooky! I'm not sure if I agree with carbonCore on their review of the whole plot. As someone who does not personally practice Wicca (but who has friends who does), I appreciate the religion, but am not in the place to critique this story's plot in terms of how truly witchy it is. That being said, I really like the idea of the story, but I would like to know its purpose. I'll go through cons first, then pros, so we can end on a positive note.

Cons

Soulkana wrote:The sound of my name being softly uttered like a mere whisper of the wind jolts me awake just as dawn is breaking. The faint smell of mint incense wrafts through the room; burning my throat terribly. My eyes scour this way and that to find the source of the whisper. As they take in the scenery, to my horror, this was no long my room. Even though the mint scented candles I had lit earlier were burning faintly; they were transparent. Along the cream colored walls were posters of bands called Skillet and Within Temptation instead of my pictures of nature and pentagrams.
Dazed, I turn to face, what I hope, the direction of the bed. Laying on it is a young woman with a thick tomb resting in her hands.. my eyes widen with recognition. It was Adero. She had sent me a letter the previous week with a picture. I had framed it and still treasure the photo even now. My heart skips a beat as she mutters in discouragement, "I don't think I can pass this test, Nastusia."

In this paragraph, the part I put in blue is in the past tense, and the part I left black is in the present tense. Decide which tense you are going to use and stick to it throughout the story.

Soulkana wrote:It was as if I was a ghost.

When writing about hypothetical situations, "was" should be "were."

Pros

Soulkana wrote:She smiles now, at ease, You really are stronger than death. You've touched so many people's heart that you shall live on in their memories, Nastusia.'

I blush. "As will you, Adero. You really are the one who creates light. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you.' I affectionately say as we gaze at each other.

I love this part! When I first started reading this story, I will admit that I thought, "What kind of names are Adero and Nastusia?" So, I googled them, and thought it was very clever that you chose Nastusia for the meaning "stronger than death" and Adero for the meaning "the one who creates light." I love it when stories are well researched, and obviously this one is.

I also like the twist of the narrator being a ghost, too. Usually, when we think of a living person in a seance, we imagine them to still be all earthly while the person they're communication with is a ghost. This is a very clever and unexpected twist, I believe.


This story overall really left me hanging, so I'm looking forward to seeing more should you choose to continue it. Keep writing!

-Abigail

This is a truly haunting story. The imagery creates an almost ethereal aspect to the story, which I'm sure you had hoped for. So kudos for pulling it off!

There are parts of your story that made me cringe for one reason, and I believe the review above me remarked about it as well. You are switching from present tense to past tense and back. This is often quite distracting. It's just something that you will have to focus on in the future, and it will become second nature.

There is something else that bothers me about this story and that is your mention of the bands "Skillet" and "Without Temptation." From your signature, I can see that at least one of these is a band you listen to. It is always a great idea to add to your story aspects of humanity that you see in real life. It gives the story a much more real quality. However, adding things like the names of your favorite bands or the names of your favorite TV shows to your story can be distracting and often extraneous in terms of the main plot. Remember, not everybody knows who these bands are. Instead of mentioning the names of the bands, simply give a general statement remarking upon the perceived band genre displayed on these posters.

Regardless, this was a great story. Keep up the excellent writing!