Cat Steps draft (28/4/11)

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“You know why Kerani should stay here,” my father said. “It’s the same reason you want her to go to the palace.”

My mother shifted in her chair. “You know just as well as I do Kerani is our last line of defense. She’ll never buckle.”

“A palace resident hasn’t been successfully assassinated in decades.” My father’s demeanor softened, trying to appease my sometimes hot-blooded mother. I could feel the emotional exchange from my place behind the door. “They have several lines of defense. We have none, past her.”

Silence stretched too long.

I sighed and pushed myself off the wall, not wanting to hear anymore arguments. Or the end to this argument. It was always a painful reminder Destiny was controlled by two people. My parents.

It’d been changing over the past few months, since the topic of where I would live arose. Ever since I’d stopped an attack on my uncle— poison, in his usual midmorning tea; I’d stopped him from drinking and found the prisoner— my parents had reconsidered me traveling with my sister, to protect her marriage to the Crown Prince. They were much more interested in keeping immediate family safe.

I was more interested in starving off heartbreak.

That conversation had felt like it was the final one. There was no time to be reconsidering who would go to the capital. My sister and mother left in two weeks, and she was in a flurry of packing. Because I would never be a true noble in the palace, just a watchful shadow, it would take me a week at most to pack. Two, if my parents wanted to approve every choice I made.

It was easier to work through my emotions when I was moving. Thanks to magic I could avoid people, even though I knew the palace enough to avoid people without magic.

There wasn’t a point in going to see Ranya just yet. Even though it opened up the risk that somebody else would talk to her first, I didn’t want to go see her when I was like this. I could already feel control of my magic slipping as my emotions overflowed. I had to get both under control before I damaged something.

Staying here meant staying chained. People outside immediate family certainly appreciated the services I provided, but there was always a balance in them respecting me and not wanting their own daughters to step away from the marriage spotlight to become warriors. Especially now that our family was directly connected to the throne— all Shira women would get a high bride price.

My hand tightened into a fist at the threshold to outside. I still held the habit of going to the practice yards to calm down.
With travel time, and the length of the wedding celebrations, I would be barred from attending. Should any of my relatives decide that they’d do well as rulers, in the absence of the rest of my family. They didn’t trust anybody else to stay behind and keep order, when so much was at stake.

I almost resented they placed enough trust on me to run the province for the two months it would take. I missed being allowed to live in the mountains for a month at a time. Living more with the guards than my relatives. Not being dragged into every political choice my parents made.

I blinked when a sharp pain in my hand and straw falling on my nose made me aware of my surroundings.

I’d burst open another punching dummy.

So much for not damaging anything, I thought, rubbing my soon-to-be-bruised hand. I’d hit the wooden post with that punch. At least it’s just a punching dummy…

“And you wonder why nobody wants to spar with you, Cat.”

I smiled weakly at the two guards who had just entered. Old training partners I still sparred with on a regular basis. “And you think you go any easier?”

They chuckled, coming over. “Any word on where you’ll end up?” Aryan, the man who’d first spoken said.

“Here, most likely…” I tried to shake off my mood, putting on a smile for their sake. “At least I’ll still be around to train!”

Chidam clasped my shoulder in a mixture of worry and comfort. “But, you’ll be leaving Rain.”

That made me hide a flinch. Only my old training partners even knew about my nickname for my sister.

I shrugged off his hand. “Don’t remind me.”

“Have you told her?”

I sighed. “Not yet.” I waved a hand, interrupting his movement towards me, and turned to walk a few paces away. “I know, I know, I should tell her. I was just waiting for this to be, well… confirmed.”

They paused, waiting for me to continue. I crossed my arms, turning to look at them. “Yeah… it’s pretty much been decided now.”

They didn’t even flinch I had picked up on the questions they’d wanted to ask. Sensing intentions was such a deep-rooted part of my magic people had come to expect it from me. I’d gotten good at piecing together what they could ask from the situation surrounding the question.

“Calm enough, though?” Chidam asked, not quite jokingly.

I clenched my hand experimentally. “Should be.”

That was the advantage of fighting, for me. I either released enough emotion to calm down on my own or got enough bruises that magic being directed for pain relief made me less likely to damage things.

They waved me off and I followed, knowing it was better for Ranya to hear it from me than a servant. I’d guessed for nearly two months, now.

I just didn’t want to believe it.

My magic went ahead to Ranya’s rooms. Her magic responded just slightly; she was ready to take a break. But I got no more than that. She’d had less training than I did, even though she was three years older. According to our parents, women who would eventually live at the palace had no place learning magic.

I clenched my bruised hand. Any excuse to drive my magic inward, even though a single bruise was nothing new for me. The control required to heal my bruise faster calmed me down again.

A noble mage good enough to track a poison back to its source had no place in the palace.

Ranya’s door was already open as she shooed the last servant out— for now. She’d been organizing for this move for a solid month. Every item of her life had to be put away. Some of it was already sent, so her rooms would be ready when she arrived, travel-weary, at the palace.

I’d managed to avoid arousing suspicion by having too many things that could only be sent with me.

“Thank the Phoenix you’re here,” she said, pushing her hair back. “I need to sort away more things to be sent early, so I don’t get asked about what goes in which shipment again!”

I chuckled. “Want some help?”

Her smile was the only answer I needed. I’d miss it most.

“I’m sure you’ll love it at the palace,” I said. It was just will keeping my voice even. Monotone. “You’ll be a wonderful empress and mother some day.”

She was looking at a table covered with things from her closet. She’d need a minimum amount for travel, but what defined ‘minimum amount’ was very flexible when she’d be traveling from the mountains to Central Kemmer. The heat would steadily increase, with no prediction as to how she’d react.

“Thank you,” she said almost as an afterthought. “And you’ll—” Ranya cut herself off as I let the ward around my sadness slip. I couldn’t hide it anymore.

It was easier to keep my back to her. “I overheard Mother and Father talking just now. You know how our family can be.” I quirked a bit of a smile; we both knew why I was so good at tracking magic. “They… want me to stay here. Protect those near Father. You— you’ll be well protected at the palace. I’d be useless.”

“No,” she whispered, coming up. Her grip on my shoulders was almost tight enough to hurt. I tensed my muscles to try and loosen her grip, only to have her squeeze more. “No, no no. They can’t. Cat, look at me.”

I closed my eyes and kept my head down. I had to relax to speak. Her nails were starting to dig in. “What’s the point if all you’ll see is tears?”

She forced my head up, knowing full well I’d reflexively open my eyes. Letting her search them. My old teacher had taught me the importance of keeping eye contact, because it was easier to search intention with open eyes. Blurry vision was better than none.

My hand clenched. I’d already lost him to Shenora. Now I was about to lose her.

She shook her head, still not breaking eye contact. “It’s just a ten day ride. You’d be able to come. Not often, but sometimes.”

‘Just’ a ten day ride? I wanted to snap back. But I couldn’t. There was hope burning within her, helping to dull the shock, that our family would calm down for long enough to allow me some time away so I could visit. I latched onto that hope, dulling my own pain. I doubted she’d be able to visit her family. Once she was married, the Tijals would be her family. Not us. Not me.

She hugged me automatically, tears beginning to run down my temple as the corner of her eye pressed against my forehead. I hugged her back, the same numbness in my movements.

It didn’t take long for both our control of emotion to break, and we let each other feel the full intensity. Those close to me guarded their emotions to ease strain on my magic, but in certain situations there was nothing closer than feeling every part of emotion available. While my mind proceeded everything it could, I just focused on remembering her. From her magic to her smell to the way she always managed to be a bit taller than me and let me rest my head against her shoulder so I could burry my face in her hair.

Servants came back into the room. They didn’t even need a command to leave us alone.
Last edited by Rosendorn on Sun Sep 11, 2011 11:47 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Rosey! *tackles*

You get to be my 550th! Woot!

So, is this the rewrite you mentioned about in your page? I like it so far. I did think a couple of lines could be rephrased, but in all, interesting.

I enjoyed the starting dialogue. Not many can start with a good dialogue that has potential. Now, I'm interested as to why they call her Cat? I don't remember muchanything from a previous post of CS.

Silence stretched too long.
I understand this. *nods* But when it's written this way, it seems... odd? It's a small line compared to those above (yes, I'm nitpicky, shush!) and somehow gives an air of pretentious drama. And it seems weirdly impersonal a line in the narrative. Maybe it might work in a 3rd person narrative.

My sister le
ft in two weeks, and she was in a flurry of packing.
She didn't leave yet, no? Is that a typo?

Two, if my parents wanted to approve every choice I made.
If considering that the above quoted sentence was "My sister will leave in two weeks..." then, in this sentence it seems odd that even if Kerani's choices were subject to approval, would she take the same time as her sister? As you said, she is a true noble. So, in my head, this seems a little weird.

That was, I didn’t notice the outside...
Maybe it's just me, but I don't understand the sentence construction here.

Sensing intentions was such a deep-rooted part of my magic people had come to expect it from me. I’d gotten good at piecing together what they could ask from the situation surrounding the question.
I love this that it tells us about her magic. The only extremely nitpicky thing is that it seems like the constructions is to 'tell the reader what's going on', rather than a 1st person flow. I think a teeny reordering phrases should do!

She’d been organizing for this move for a solid month.
Oh! Okay then! Not weeks. ^^

Servants came back into the room. They didn’t even need a command to leave us alone.
I didn't like this line. True, it may tell us something about the servants' mentality,but it's not a good way to end a chapter. I think it'll sound stronger if you don't put in this line.

Overall.
I expected a much longer first chapter. :P
I'm loving the dialogue. I love how you have a good control over dialogue and it doesn't sound forced. Good job!
As for description, there was a small amount (I'm a description junkie) of good description, and I'm hoping we get to see a little more in the next chapter. Like, what is the place like? What does Cat think of her mom and dad? What about the servants - Chidam and Aryan? The one thing though about these two, their entrance and exit was a little too sudden and fast for my taste. Like bam, here they are.
The next thing I'm wondering is, how rich/noble are they? Because there obviously needs to be a standard for them if Rain is going to marry a prince.

Great work!
Cheers!
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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I liked this one. I am not going to review technically since I am a newbie. I felt the emotions you want to imply. I just wonder why does the speaker was called CAT? interesting huh.. Its a fantasy story but not focused on magic thing and that's good. ALL IN ALL A GOOD STORY! :)

A non-sense review huh? hehe...
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“You know why Kerani should stay here,” my father said. “It’s the same reason you want her to go to the palace.” Fairly compelling. =]

My mother Sounds a bit formal, but this is nitpicky of me. shifted in her chair. “You know just as well as I do Kerani is our last line of defense. She’ll never buckle.”

“The palace hasn’t had a successful assassination in decades.” I'm kind of confused by this. I'm not sure if you mean the palace hasn't successfully assassinated anyone, or if no one has assassinated anyone in the palace. oo My father’s demeanor softened, trying to appease my sometimes hot-blooded mother. The last bit of this is kind of clunky. I could feel the emotional exchange from my place behind the door. “They have several lines of defense. We have none, past her.”

I'm not very well-versed in fantasy so this may be my ignorance talking, but I'm a little confused again. If she's their last line of defense, shouldn't they be more worried about themselves than about her? Surely she can take care of herself if she can take care of them?

Silence stretched too long. This fragment is jarring. Maybe put "the" before silence?

I sighed and pushed myself off the wall, not wanting to hear anymore arguments. Or the end to this argument. I feel as if it might be better if you connect the two sentences. The rhythm of the prose just feels off if you chop it like that.

It’d It referring to the argument? been changing over the past few months, since the topic of where I would live arose. Ever since I’d stopped an attack on my uncle— poison, in his usual midmorning tea; I’d stopped him from drinking and found the prisoner A prisoner poisoned him? oo— my parents had reconsidered me traveling with my sister I think the voice slips in the last few words., to protect her marriage to the Crown Prince. They were much more interested in keeping immediate family safe.

I was more interested in starving off heartbreak.

That conversation had felt like it was the final one. There was no time to be reconsidering who would go to the capital. I'm a little iffy about this last sentence. I think it should be either, 'This was no time to be reconsidering who would go to the capital,' or 'There was no time to reconsider who would go to the capital.' My sister left in two weeks, and she was in a flurry of packing. Because I would never be a true noble in the palace, just a watchful shadow, it would take me a week at most to pack. Two, if my parents wanted to approve every choice I made.

It was easier to work through my emotions when I was moving. Thanks to magic I could avoid people, even though I knew the palace enough to avoid people without magic.

I was so engrossed in my emotions I can't really feel her emotions, to be honest. I think you could do with more thoughts., I let my awareness of outside fall away. Awareness of outside feels wrong. oo It might be just me, though. It was hard to keep control on them, with the realization my sister would be leaving without me sinking in. I could already feel control of my magic slipping as my emotions overflowed. I had to get both under control before I damaged something.

That was, I didn’t notice the outside world until a sharp pain in my hand and straw falling on my nose made me blink.

I’d burst open another punching dummy. When did she find a punching dummy? oo The transition is a bit rough.

So much for not damaging anything, I thought, rubbing my soon-to-be-bruised hand. I’d hit the wooden post with that punch. At least it’s just a punching dummy…

“And you wonder why nobody wants to spar with you, Cat.”

I smiled weakly at the two guards who had just entered. Old training partners I still sparred with on a regular basis. “And you think you go any easier?”

They chuckled, coming over. “Any word on where you’ll end up?” Aryan, the man who’d first spoken said.

“Here, most likely…” I tried to shake off my mood, putting on a smile for their sake. “At least I won’t be leaving you guys!”

Chidam clasped my shoulder in a mixture of worry and comfort. “But, you’ll be leaving Rain.”

That made me hide a flinch. Only my old training partners even knew about my nickname for my sister. This feels a little unnatural, to be honest. I don't know why.

I shrugged off his hand. “Don’t remind me.”

“Have you told her?”

I sighed. “Not yet.” I waved a hand, interrupting his movement towards me, and turned to walk a few paces away. Sounds kind of stilted. Mind revising? “I know, I know, I should tell her. I was just waiting for this to be, well… confirmed.”

They paused, waiting for me to continue. I crossed my arms, turning to look at them. “Yeah… it’s pretty much been decided now.”

They didn’t even flinch I had picked up on the questions they’d wanted to ask. Maybe put a that in. I'm usually all about cutting 'that', but I think this sentence is kind of difficult to get through without it. Sensing intentions was such a deep-rooted part of my magic people had come to expect it from me. I’d gotten good at piecing together what they could ask from the situation surrounding the question.

“Calm enough, though?” Chidam asked, not quite jokingly.

I clenched my hand experimentally. “Should be.”

That was the advantage of fighting, for me. I either released enough emotion to calm down on my own or got enough bruises that magic being directed for pain relief made me less likely to damage things.

They waved me off and I followed, knowing it was better for Ranya to hear it from me than a servant. I’d guessed for nearly two months, now.

I just didn’t want to believe it.

My magic went ahead to Ranya’s rooms. Her magic responded just slightly; she was ready to take a break. But I got no more than that. She’d had less training than I did, even though she was three years older. According to our parents, women who would eventually live at the palace had no place learning magic.

I clenched my bruised hand. Any excuse to drive my magic inward, even though a single bruise was nothing new for me. The control required to heal my bruise faster calmed me down again.

A noble mage good enough to track a poison back to its source had no place in the palace.

Ranya’s door was already open as she shooed the last servant out— for now. She’d been organizing for this move for a solid month. Every item of her life had to be put away. Some of it was already sent, so her rooms would be ready when she arrived, travel-weary, at the palace.

I’d managed to avoid arousing suspicion by having too many things that could only be sent with me.

“Thank the Phoenix you’re here,” she said, pushing her hair back. “I need to sort away more things to be sent early, so I don’t get asked about what goes in which shipment again!”

I chuckled. “Want some help?”

Her smile was the only answer I needed. I’d miss it most.

“I’m sure you’ll love it at the palace,” I said. It was just will keeping my voice even. Monotone. “You’ll be a wonderful empress and mother some day.”

She was looking at a table covered with things from her closet. She’d need a minimum amount for travel, but what defined ‘minimum amount’ was very flexible when she’d be traveling from the mountains to Central Kemmer. The heat would steadily increase, with no prediction as to how she’d react. I think a little description won't hurt you now. oo

“Thank you,” she said almost as an afterthought. “And you’ll—” Ranya cut herself off as I let the ward around my sadness slip. I couldn’t hide it anymore.

It was easier to keep my back to her. “I overheard Mother and Father talking just now. You know how our family can be.” I quirked a bit of a smile; we both knew why I was so good at tracking magic. “They… want me to stay here. Protect those near Father. You— you’ll be well protected at the palace. I’d be useless.”

“No,” she whispered, coming up. Her grip on my shoulders was almost tight enough to hurt. I tensed my muscles to try and loosen her grip, only to have her squeeze more. “No, no no. They can’t. Cat, look at me.”

I closed my eyes and kept my head down. I had to relax to speak. Her nails were starting to dig in. “What’s the point if all you’ll see is tears?” Sounds a little too dramatic for me. o.e I'm not grounded enough to really care, to be honest. I mean, I do, to some degree, which speaks to how well you're doing so far, but it's just not enough to carry this scene yet without making it feel cheesy, you know?

She forced my head up, Considering Ranya is behind Cat/Kerani, then this really seems kind of awkward and strange. oo knowing full well I’d reflexively open my eyes. Letting her search them. My old teacher had taught me the importance of keeping eye contact, because it was easier to search intention with open eyes. Blurry vision was better than none.

My hand clenched. I’d already lost him to Shenora. Now I was about to lose her.

She shook her head, still not breaking eye contact. “It’s just a ten day ride. You’d be able to come. Not often, but sometimes.”

‘Just’ a ten day ride? I wanted to snap back. But I couldn’t. There was hope burning within her, helping to dull the shock, that our family would calm down for long enough to allow me some time away so I could visit. I latched onto that hope, dulling my own pain. I doubted she’d be able to visit her family. Once she was married, the Tijals would be her family. Not us. Not me.

She hugged me automatically, tears beginning to run down my temple as the corner of her eye pressed against my forehead. I hugged her back, the same numbness in my movements.

It didn’t take long for both our control of emotion to break, and we let each other feel the full intensity. Those close to me guarded their emotions to ease strain on my magic, but in certain situations there was nothing closer than feeling every part of emotion available. While my mind proceeded processsed? everything it could, I just focused on remembering her. From her magic to her smell to the way she always managed to be an inch taller than me and let me rest my head against her shoulder so I could burry my face in her hair.

Servants came back into the room. They didn’t even need a command to leave us alone. I'd think she's a little too concerned with her sister to notice the servants. oo"


So far you're doing well with characterization but Ranya feels a bit like a stock character to me. But it's okay, given how little screen time she has so far. I expect I'll be seeing more of her soon.

I don't see why Cat can't go with her sister, or why she's so eager to leave her childhood home. Neither seems like a good option. If she's lived somewhere all her life, she'd be loathe to leave it (and the rest of her family) behind, I think, especially since there was a recent attack on her uncle's life. Unless of course she's on bad terms with the rest of her family, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

Second, I know she loves her sister but why couldn't she leave? Surely the family's faith in their guards isn't entirely lost; that'd be a big problem. Also, there's really no such thing as too much protection when you're talking about someone who'll be queen/empress. Imagine all the possibilities if someone managed to kidnap her. That'd be a load of political intrigue and will cause a huge hubbub. Traveling is dangerous business.

Also, aren't they attending the wedding? Just a thought.

Anyway, the whole emotional scene doesn't really quite work without getting too cheesy because it's too early in the story for me to totally sympathize with them. I think it needs to be a little more grounded before you pull something like that. This chapter is fairly short so maybe you could add something in between? I don't know.

I pointed out the clunky sentences when I could, but it would probably help if you went through it to see if there are any I missed. I'd also like to recommend a little more description. Usually I don't have anything against a lack of it, but right here I'm a little past lost. ^^"

Anyway, I'm sorry I couldn't really be more helpful. oo" You know where to find me if you have any questions or such~ <3

-Jae
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

-Boardwalk Empire

Love, get out of my way.


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i think you have a great writing style. I was really into it until i got to
Rosey Unicorn wrote:“Here, most likely…” I tried to shake off my mood, putting on a smile for their sake. “At least I won’t be leaving you guys!”

The you guys bit just totally killed it for me. It just doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of your story. I'm sorry i this sounds harsh but it's just my opinion, the rest was really great.
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Yay for more detailed notes! Also: review points/count! *evil cackle*

Consider this in addition to the PM I sent you.

I sighed and pushed myself off the wall, not wanting to hear anymore arguments. Or the end to this argument.

Mmkay, it wasn't really clear at first how she was hearing this conversation. Like, whether she was eavesdropping or in the room or whatever. I mean, I'm assuming she's eavesdropping (like I said before, previous versions might be influencing me here, which is probably why I didn't catch it before), but she could very well be in the room for all we are told.

found the prisoner

"Prisoner" or "poisoner"? Like, it could have been a prisoner escaping and poisoning him, but this could very well be a typo. *not sure*

The transition from eavesdropping to her punching the dummy was pretty much non-existent. You talk about how she wants to get under control before damaging something. Cue damaging something. Humorous, but without any sort of explanation that she's made her way to somewhere with training dummies, we're all like "whaaa? where exactly is she?"

A bit of description to set the scene would be nice, methinks. Again, I'm operating under previous versions, but if I didn't have that, I'd be seriously confused as to where this is all taking place. In a palace, presumably, but where in the palace? How is Kerani related to any of the people in the palace? Is she important? Who are her parents? Stuff that you know and I know, but someone completely new to this isn't going to know.

Gonna agree with Octave on this one: need a little more grounding. I like this start. I really do. We just need a little more explanation instead of a complete cold open. The one thing that the other beginning did was put us immediately into action so all we cared about was the action. The explanation could come later because we had a focus. Here, the focus is the explanation. Sure, sisterly attachment is vital and important, but because that in itself is being explained, we need the reason for said explanation to be explained. Make sense?

Feel free to drop me a line. I really like it. I just want a bit more than what's being given.

~GryphonFledgling
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Rosey, WOMAN. Forget the subtle reminders. Every time you post a piece of Cat Steps I want you to put it on my wall in all caps, preferably with a fanfare and a couple of dancing elephants.Otherwise I'll miss it like I missed this one and then when I discover it I'll be super-annoyed you never told me. Understood? Wunderbar!

I. NITPICKS

It was always a painful reminder Destiny was controlled by two people. My parents.


Why exactly is destiny capitalised? It's very German.

I’d stopped him from drinking and found the prisoner—


As in, the culprit? How could a prisoner do it? And if they were emprisoned, they wouldn't take much finding.
There wasn’t a point in going to see Ranya just yet.


Any point might sound more natural.
That made me hide a flinch. Only my old training partners even knew about my nickname for my sister.


Surely her... sister... and her... parents? would know? No?

Okay.

II. RANDOM MINOR CHARACTERS

I've read an awful lot of versions of this opening. Each one has its strengths- and its weaknesses. This one is strong in how it develops Kerani's magic and her relationships with her family. I particularly like that. I'm questioning, however, the inclusion of the two soldiers. They're just a bit hi-bye. Do they come back in? If so, perfect. If not, then they're just another layer of confusion to a brand new reader of a story. If they're in the opening, we deem them important. It would be a pity to see them vanish again. That said- I don't know if they are important. Maybe they are. If so, ignore me.

III. OVERALL

*reads up* Okay, Gryph and I totally disagree on the action/explanation point. I didn't like the other way because I thought the action was too much xD . I guess you can't blame everyone. Again, this is strong, and I definitely see where Gryph is coming from. I think you need to strike a balance between the two extremes. But nice job!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
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Hi, Rosey! It's fitting that my first review in months should be for your story.

Hahaha, by now, how many openings have you gone through? So you probably won't much like what I say about this one, honestly... Since I know you've been struggling to begin this story for a while. All the same, I want to be honest here, and admit that this beginning didn't work for me. I could see a compelling hook, but often I felt like the compelling story was actually struggling against the prose. That is to say...you tend to have a fairly confusing way of wording things, to the point where I had to read a lot of sentences or even paragraphs twice. I feel like just tweaking and rephrasing a lot of sentences would make this a strong, crisp introduction to your world and characters, without leaving the readers feeling marooned and confused.

This is all really general right now and won't mean anything without examples, so I'll proceed to the line-by-line nitpicks.

“You know why Kerani should stay here,” my father said. “It’s the same reason you want her to go to the palace.”

My mother shifted in her chair. “You know just as well as I do Kerani is our last line of defense. She’ll never buckle.”

“A palace resident hasn’t been successfully assassinated in decades.” My father’s demeanor softened, trying to appease my sometimes hot-blooded mother. I could feel the emotional exchange from my place behind the door. “They have several lines of defense. We have none, past her.”


This does not work for me as a hook. I tend not to like stories that open with people talking, especially if they're talking for the sole purpose of dispensing information. Trouble is, I can't imagine this as a natural conversation between a husband and wife. It's just two people relaying facts to one another. Their voices are both quite dry and indistinct. I'm not saying give them wacky accents or something, but I would appreciate seeing a little bit more of their characters in their dialogue, or at least something in the way of emotion.

And I admit that despite having read many, many versions of this beginning, I am still confused as to the exact nature of Kerani's magic, and the "emotional exchange" part does not help. I am...not sure what that means? It's much too abstract a phrase. I think we could benefit from really feeling Kerani's magic in a concrete way. Does she feel this "emotional exchange" as temperature, as touch, as a whisper at the edge of her mind? Anything to ground her magic, make it more physical and real and less like it's a vague undefined something floating out around in the ether.

I know what the parents are talking about, but to be honest, I am unsure if a new reader would. That may have something to do with the clinical, detached way they are phrasing things. There is no sense of urgency or danger, no sense that they are both desperately entrenched in their positions and have been having this argument for some time and refuse to give any quarter.

I sighed and pushed myself off the wall, not wanting to hear anymore arguments. Or the end to this argument. It was always a painful reminder Destiny was controlled by two people. My parents.


See, I like this. It's strong, solid characterization, and the prose reflects Kerani's personality wonderfully. I like the use of sentence fragments - it gives her a world-weary quality. That being said, I think that the period between "people" and "My" would read better as a colon, but I prefer messing around with punctuation and you may not, and perhaps fancy punctuation does not fit Kerani's character Just a thought.

It’d been changing over the past few months, since the topic of where I would live arose.


Now, see, this is a confusingly phrased sentence. I've read it a few times so I understand what you're getting at, but few people want to have to reread lines in a fantasy adventure story. The construction of this sentence is quite stilted, and the way it's set up makes things unclear too. What is this "it," exactly? "Since the topic of where I would live" is an awkward mouthful that does not seem to be phrased naturally.

This may have to do with the passivity of your prose. After all, topics don't spontaneously arise - somebody has to bring them up. Who brought up the topic of where Kerani would live? What is this nebulous "it" that has been changing? Tighten, specify, cut away all the abstract fat you can.

I even have a bone to pick with the word "live" itself (hahaha, this is the most nitpicky I've ever gotten). In this context I feel the word "move" would be better, because "live" doesn't imply a sense of going somewhere else, it implies staying somewhere already. Considering that Kerani is already living somewhere...well, that's bound to create confusion.

Ever since I’d stopped an attack on my uncle— poison, in his usual midmorning tea; I’d stopped him from drinking and found the prisoner—


I like the appositive clause between the dashes - it's relayed in such a matter-of-fact way that it creates a spot of humor, and also helps establish Kerani's character. This thing has clearly happened so often she's used to it! That being said, I feel the clause itself is a bit convoluted. I don't think the comma after "poison" is necessary, and the semicolon makes me feel a little jittery though I'm not sure why. It doesn't seem Kerani's narrative voice would lend itself easily to semicolons, that's all.


my parents had reconsidered me traveling with my sister, to protect her marriage to the Crown Prince. They were much more interested in keeping immediate family safe.

I was more interested in starving off heartbreak.


Yes, I realize that by this point, I've quoted pretty much the majority of the story. But here is a prime example of a confusing wording. It feels, for one, that Kerani knows a bit more than she's telling to us the audience, and that feels rather annoying especially when we've first begun to read the story and want to connect with the narrator. I just don't understand the logical connection between the first paragraph and the second. Heartbreak? What heartbreak, and why? How does this connect to "keeping immediate family" safe? How is it a logical contrast against "keeping immediate family" safe? I feel like you are trying to build up a contrast here but it's just not working because we readers aren't privy as to why the contrast exists in the first place. Kerani clearly is, so why doesn't she just outright tell us? We have nothing to lose by getting to know her a little better at this point.

I am just feeling frustrated at this point because I can't connect with Kerani. She has mysterious thought patterns that she doesn't feel bothered to explain to us. She feels almost alien to me, not like a real person. I get the feeling that you are withholding this information on purpose, to create a sense of suspense. One of the innumerable things I've learned from taking a creative writing class is that this kind of suspense rarely pays off in a satisfactory way. We end up reading not to know the characters better or follow their adventures, but to obtain information.

I really feel like I'm ripping on you here, but this was the point at which I almost stopped reading. I'm glad I didn't because it gets much better from here on, but all the same, you want the first lines to really hook the reader and I'm afraid I am more frustrated than hooked.

That conversation had felt like it was the final one. There was no time to be reconsidering who would go to the capital.


You have described your style as being rather passive before, but at this point I actually don't think the problem is that it's passive so much as it's not specific enough.

"That" conversation. Which one? I assume from context clues that it's the one between her parents, but seeing the "that" really threw me for a loop. You oculd just say "their previous conversation" or even argument, really, because that's what it read like to me.

"There was no time to be reconsidering." Again, I ask, who is doing the reconsidering here?

This passive, abstract voice doesn't ring very true for Kerani's voice, I'm afraid. I feel like she's more of the type to be upfront and direct, relying on punchy nouns and verbs to convey most descriptions. I don't think she would be the type to be so adamantly unspecific.


My sister and mother left in two weeks, and she was in a flurry of packing.


Which she? The mother or sister? I'm assuming it is the sister, but I can't be sure because as it is this sentence can go both ways.

Because I would never be a true noble in the palace, just a watchful shadow, it would take me a week at most to pack. Two, if my parents wanted to approve every choice I made.


Again, I feel like Kerani knows more than we do and isn't sharing. I really am not asking that you spell out everything as if we readers are idiots, but at the same time there are a lot of thoughts that do not have very clear connections between them and all I'm asking is that you clarify those connections. These things may be obvious to the character, they may be obvious to you, but they aren't obvious to someone who doesn't know Kerani and this world as well as you. In this case I think you need to strengthen the idea that because Kerani is just a watchful shadow, she would not have much luggage.

Maybe I'm alone in being confused; maybe I'm just stupid. I do think that all writers should strive to be as clear as possible - unless deliberately obfuscating things for the purpose of the story, which I don't think you are doing. Building on such unexplained connections could even give you a chance to strengthen Kerani's characterization.

I admit, I am biased because I'm already familiar with this story and I know and like Kerani already, so it doesn't take much to get me to sympathize with her. I am not sure if a new reader would be feeling that way.

when I was moving.


Perhaps you could use a better word than "moving?" I assume you mean "moving" as in "walking around" and not "going to live in a new house," but seeing as you've already established that somebody is moving in the second sense, it gets a bit confusing to use that word.

even though I knew the palace enough to avoid people without magic.


I know what you're trying to say here, but here it sounds like she knows how to avoid "people who don't have magic," versus her being able to escape people even if she's not using her magic.

Also, at this point I think I would deeply appredicate some physical descriptions, descriptions of her, of her family, of her setting. Setting especially. So far this story is taking place in a big white void, as far as I know. I mean, think of the setting you have - a vibrant fantasy empire based on Mughal India. You have a lot of opportunities here to paint rich, vivid, sensuous pictures that would draw readers more completely into your world, and furthermore, make it feel real to us.

Even though it opened up the risk that somebody else would talk to her first, I didn’t want to go see her when I was like this.


Again I feel the phrasing here is stilted and awkward, and things are underexplained. We have two thoughts here - someone else might talk to Ranya before Kerani. But Kerani doesn't want Ranya to see her so distraught. You're missing a third thought in between: why it's bad that someone else might talk to Ranya first.

I could already feel control of my magic slipping as my emotions overflowed. I had to get both under control before I damaged something.


Aggh, this is telling in the not-good sense. As I said earlier, I think you could avert this if you described the magic in much more physical, grounded terms.

Staying here meant staying chained. People outside immediate family certainly appreciated the services I provided, but there was always a balance in them respecting me and not wanting their own daughters to step away from the marriage spotlight to become warriors. Especially now that our family was directly connected to the throne— all Shira women would get a high bride price.


There's something about this paragraph that does not work for me. I had to read it over several times before finally being able to voice what's bothering me: you have a whole bunch of under-explained thoughts here that don't logically lead into one another. Why exactly does staying here mean staying chained? What connection does that have to the people outside the immediate family and what do they think? What's with the high bride price part? It just all makes no sense, it's a bunch of random thoughts thrown out. The workings - what connects these thoughts - is left invisible.

Yeah, I know it's fiction and it's not supposed to be an essay, but actually, it doesn't hurt to think of organizing your prose the same way you would an essay. One thing has to have a connection to another, whether logical or causal, it doesn't matter. Paragraphs - especially introspective ones like this - should have main ideas, unless you are doing stream of consciousness, which you aren't. So far, I think the heart of this paragraph lies in the idea of what people outside the family would think, should Kerani be revealed publically. In that case, you need to first build up on the fact that Kerani is "chained" - explain how she's chained, why she isn't allowed in public, why it would be dangerous for other nobles to see her as an example. Then connect that to the idea of the family needing to save face as it rises higher in status. But first you need an overall guiding principle, however vague, behind the entire paragraph.

Indeed it's the logical organization/progression that's hindering the story the most so far, I think. So many thoughts get thrown out, but are not explained or have no clear apparent connection.

My hand tightened into a fist at the threshold to outside. I still held the habit of going to the practice yards to calm down.

With travel time, and the length of the wedding celebrations, I would be barred from attending. Should any of my relatives decide that they’d do well as rulers, in the absence of the rest of my family. They didn’t trust anybody else to stay behind and keep order, when so much was at stake.


Here's also an example of how logical progression - or lack thereof - hurts the story. We get all this introspection, then we get Kerani going outside - and we resume the introspection as if nothing interrupted it. I get that you don't want to have pages upon pages of introspection, that would be very boring indeed, but you can't just insert a line of action and then jump straight back to the introspection. You need to either omit the action or build up on it, and I think you could benefit from elaborating on the action. It would also give you a chance to further lay down the setting. What do these practice yards look like? What halls and rooms does Kerani have to pass through to get to them? Etc. etc. Build that up into a long paragraph, then have Kerani begin training (this would also establish that she's punching at a wooden dummy, before she breaks it), and think while she's training.

Also, I absolutely cannot see how the last two sentences of the second paragraph make any sense. I think you were doing the intentional fragment thing but it doesn't quite work here. I feel it would be stronger and flow better if you had it something like, "Of course, I would not be attending, in case any relatives decided to take advantage of my parents' absence and take over the estate" or something like that, IDK, I'm not here to rewrite the story for you.

I almost resented they placed enough trust on me to run the province for the two months it would take. I missed being allowed to live in the mountains for a month at a time. Living more with the guards than my relatives. Not being dragged into every political choice my parents made.


"I almost resented that." "It would take" - what would take?

The mountain detail is thrown out carelessly and randomly, when I think it should be prefigured more, because so far, we've received no indication that Kerani was even ever allowed out of the palace. I actually think that this might be clearer if you had more strongly established the setting from the beginning, such as where they are in relation to the mountains.

I appreciate that we're still getting strong characterization here, building up not just Kerani's personality and inclinations, but also her connections/attachments to other characters and places.

I smiled weakly at the two guards who had just entered. Old training partners I still sparred with on a regular basis.


Meh, none too fond of the adverb. And I think I'd appreciate some physical description of the guards - at least Kerani should have sensed their entrance, right? Actually, at this point I'm flailing for description of any sort. Nothing is grounded; it's all just floating in a land of vague and abstract.

Aryan, the man who’d first spoken said.


Think there should be a comma after "spoken," but I am not too fond of the "man who'd first spoken" part either.

I do like that the narrative voice itself has gotten a little more casual as soon as the guards have shown up. It's a nice way to reflect how Kerani views them compared to how she views her family and duty.

Chidam clasped my shoulder in a mixture of worry and comfort. “But, you’ll be leaving Rain.”


This is disgustingly tell-y, and overstating to boot. The "worry and comfort" is already implied through the gesture and his dialogue.

I don't think "you'll be leaving Rain" is the right way of phrasing it, because Ranya is the one who is leaving, not Kerani.

I am wondering what you are trying to accomplish with the guards scene. I believe it's to create a contrast, but so far there is nothing it's contrasting against. I think that before this scene, we need an actual scene where Kerani is talking to her parents rather than her just overhearing them. So far, the only evidence we have that Kerani's family treats her badly is through Kerani's own internal monologues, which naturally are not as strong as a scene with impartially relayed dialogue.

They didn’t even flinch I had picked up on the questions they’d wanted to ask. Sensing intentions was such a deep-rooted part of my magic people had come to expect it from me. I’d gotten good at piecing together what they could ask from the situation surrounding the question.


I appreciate a concrete look at what Kerani's magic does, though I think that the description of how it operates needs to be more grounded. Nonetheless, I like the little detail you've included of the guards not being bothered by it because they're so familiar with it. It establishes in a deft, subtle little way that they and Kerani have a shared history and past that we the reader might not be privy to, but it still informs their present interactions.

The last sentence can be better phrased, I think. "Situation surrounding the question" is awfully clunky.

“Calm enough, though?” Chidam asked, not quite jokingly.

I clenched my hand experimentally. “Should be.”


I had to read this several times to understand what you were trying to say. There's no harm in having Chidam's and Kerani's Q & A be a little more direct than this, especially since they feel comfortable around each other.

That was the advantage of fighting, for me. I either released enough emotion to calm down on my own or got enough bruises that magic being directed for pain relief made me less likely to damage things.


Again, I appreciate getting solid glimpses as to the mechanics of Kerani's magic. I don't think we've gotten enough of that in previous drafts. I love, too, how it can be channeled in different ways. Usually healing magic is treated as quite distinct from other types, so it's interesting that here it's just one possible application of Kerani's abilities. And the magic being tied to her emotions makes for a great storytelling device.

That being said, "got"...ehh, you can be more specific than that.

I’d guessed for nearly two months, now.


Guessed what, precisely?

My magic went ahead to Ranya’s rooms. Her magic responded just slightly; she was ready to take a break.


I really am aching for some concrete, grounded depictions of the magic. "Went ahead?" How? Does it fly through the air in one burst, does it drift, does it probe like a spear? How does Ranya's magic respond "slightly?" For that matter, how does it even "respond?"

I think a lot of this comes not the lack of specificity that I mentioned before. Stronger nouns and verbs, nouns and verbs - that's where truly great, solid description comes from. Relying on nouns and adverbs rather than adjectives and adverbs would also fit Kerani's narrative voice well, since she isn't the kind of person who prefers excessive ornamentation.

But I got no more than that.


"Got" strikes again! The vague language makes this line rather muddled in meaning. I think using stronger physical descriptions would clear things up - if you describe Kerani's magic in one way, as being powerful or robust, and have Ranya's magical answer be a weak whisper, you could directly show the difference between the sisters' magic and you probably wouldn't even need this sentence, you could just segue into the next part, which not only establishes Kerani's and Ranya's relative ages but also is a wonderful piece of worldbuilding.

A noble mage good enough to track a poison back to its source had no place in the palace.


Now, I like this. It's a well-done contrast to the end of the earlier paragraph, and it works because the logical connection between the two contrasts is well-established and unhidden. Great characterization, too, as well as confirmation of the strength of Kerani's powers. I am not sure what "back to its source" means, though. Back to the person who planted the poison, or back to the vial/leave/powder the poison came from?

Every item of her life had to be put away. Some of it was already sent, so her rooms would be ready when she arrived, travel-weary, at the palace.


I think you've passed over another opportunity for worldbuilding, characterization, and even laying down setting details, by not describing just what exactly these 'items' are. Jewelry? Clothes? Paintings? Give us strong, specific languages. Readers like that, we like reading a well-put-together list, and it would show not only what the typical items a noblewoman would own in this world, but also show what things Ranya considers valuable.

I’d managed to avoid arousing suspicion by having too many things that could only be sent with me.


I've read this forward and back and I still have no idea what you're trying to say.

“Thank the Phoenix you’re here,” she said, pushing her hair back.


Two things: I love the little piece of worldbuilding implicit in "Thank the Phoenix," as it shows what kind of religion they venerate; and at the same time, I feel we could use some more physical description here. What kind of hair does Ranya have? That kind of thing. You could even build in a contrast between her and Kerani if you were so inclined.

“I’m sure you’ll love it at the palace,” I said. It was just will keeping my voice even. Monotone. “You’ll be a wonderful empress and mother some day.”


"It was just will...?" Uh, what is that supposed to mean? But I do like this, because it shows more of Kerani's character. How cautious and guarded she is, how much she tries to hide her real emotions. She's saying all these generic words to Ranya, trying to cover up her hurt...it's very real, and makes her all the more sympathetic.

She was looking at a table covered with things from her closet.


This is weak description-wise, all around. "Was looking" is passive and there are many ways of looking--is she glancing, is she gazing, is she glaring (I don't think she would, but still...)? What are these "things?" (Please, for the love of all that is holy, try to avoid using that word in narrative) How do they "cover" the table? Are they piled so high they're threatening to tumble off the table, or are they just scattered across it?

Strengthening these details, even such apparently trivial ones, will lay down a setting more concretely and even improve characterization.

The heat would steadily increase, with no prediction as to how she’d react.


I understand what you're trying to say here, but the way it's phrased is just awkward.

I must say that the emotion is definitely ramping in this section, and I'm beginning to get invested in these characters, which may be why I like it better overall. The dialogue also feels very real - formal, as appropriate for their world and station, but with enough genuine feeling and uniqueness behind it to make it also natural, unlike the parents' facts-listing at the beginning.

"I overheard Mother and Father talking just now. You know how our family can be.” I quirked a bit of a smile; we both knew why I was so good at tracking magic.


Again, I feel a thought is missing here. "You know how are family can be" - and then somehow that links to why Kerani is so great with her magic? I'm not seeing the connection.

“They… want me to stay here. Protect those near Father. You— you’ll be well protected at the palace. I’d be useless.”


I don't think we've seen such hesitation and halting from Kerani before, and it does an excellent job of conveying her distress.

Her grip on my shoulders was almost tight enough to hurt.


I am not certain about the "almost." I don't like the word and I think most prose would be stronger without it, but at the same time I feel that you're conveying that Ranya is much physically weaker than Kerani, so Kerani is surprised that her grip can even approach hurting. Surely there must be a way to say that without the "almost," though.

“No, no no. They can’t. Cat, look at me.”


I kind of like how this dialogue (and Ranya's later action of forcing Kerani's head up) shows that despite how much she loves her sister, she joins the rest of her family in viewing Kerani as pretty much a servant.

I closed my eyes and kept my head down. I had to relax to speak. Her nails were starting to dig in. “What’s the point if all you’ll see is tears?”


Somehow, I feel that these lines have a really strong, natural flow. There's something about the series of short, punchy lines. You can feel Kerani unraveling in them, trying to maintain control and failing, and aggh...I am utterly failing at explaining myself. The dialogue is beautiful, by the way. So heartfelt, and so Kerani. This is when I transformed from finding the story interesting to truly, genuinely enjoying it. Somehow you can characterize so well using so little.

Letting her search them. My old teacher had taught me the importance of keeping eye contact, because it was easier to search intention with open eyes. Blurry vision was better than none.

The detail about open eyes is nice, but I'm not feeling the repetition of "search."

My hand clenched. I’d already lost him to Shenora. Now I was about to lose her.


First, you have Kerani clenching her hand again, and I recall she did that earlier in the story. Maybe it's just a tic of hers, but it feels a bit excessive this time around. Have her display her emotions in a different way.

Shenora? I get the feeling that is either supposed to represent death, or is a place. It's confusing, but not overly so, so I'm willing to overlook it.

There was hope burning within her, helping to dull the shock, that our family would calm down for long enough to allow me some time away so I could visit. I latched onto that hope, dulling my own pain.


This sentence uses "hope" and "dull" far too much. The entire clause that begins "that our family would...." feels unnecessary because we've already seen as much so far. No need to pound it in.

Not us. Not me.


Kerani's desperation is palpable here. It's just...these lines, they're so powerful. I adore how you've been tying the narrative voice to her own personal voice. This isn't just a third person story using "I" instead of "she" - it could not be told in any way besides first person.

She hugged me automatically


Meh, I'm not feeling the "automatically." What do we gain by keeping it? What do we lose by removing it? Not much, in both cases, though of course it's your call.

I hugged her back, the same numbness in my movements.


Yeah, I get what you're trying to say here, but it doesn't quite work. I would like to see Kerani's numb movements. Her arms are heavy, I'm supposing; maybe she hangs limply in Ranya's grip, I don't know. But something more concrete.

It didn’t take long for both our control of emotion to break, and we let each other feel the full intensity. Those close to me guarded their emotions to ease strain on my magic, but in certain situations there was nothing closer than feeling every part of emotion available.


The phrasing here is so clinical it almost kills the intensity of the rest of the scene. The repetition of "emotion" makes things particularly clumsy, and the "but in certain situations..." clause feels a little like overstating. I am also not enamored with the phrasing "both our control of emotion."

While my mind proceeded everything it could, I just focused on remembering her. From her magic to her smell to the way she always managed to be a bit taller than me and let me rest my head against her shoulder so I could burry my face in her hair.


On the other hand, this part of the paragraph is beautiful. Perhaps because it's so concrete - perhaps the most concrete descriptions in all of the story so far. In particular, I love the "she always managed to be bit a taller than me" part - like Kerani's interactions with the guards earlier, it implies a shared history between these characters, and one that rings true for anyone who's ever been close to a sibling. The "always managed to be" part in particular makes me smile. It's not like Ranya is intentionally trying to be taller than Kerani, but of course that would be how the shorter sibling always sees it! (I should know, I'm the shorter sibling)

Servants came back into the room. They didn’t even need a command to leave us alone.


Perfect way to finish the scene.

OVERALL THOUGHTS:
I...am remarkably sorry for this review. I think it may be the harshest I've ever given, and I feel terrible for that. But honestly, I would not give such a review if I didn't already love Cat Steps as much as I do. From what I've read and followed of the story, it has a ton of potential and if I were to ever see it in a bookstore, I would buy it without hesitation. Because of that, I really want to help you maximize that potential, because that's what this story deserves.

So. I think the nitpicks are self-explanatory, but I want to emphasize what I think is the work's most major problem as it is: you are not specific enough. I used the words "concrete" and "grounded" countless times, you're probably sick of them, but those are the perfect words to describe what makes a story, especially its descriptions, great.

Trouble is, so far, this entire story could be taking place in a blank white void populated by stick figures. We have emotion, we have characters with well-rendered personalities, but we have little else. The setting is by all means nonexistant. We don't have the slightest clue what the characters look like. This is a disappointment especially coming from a fantasy story, where strong, sensory details are what help make or break the world. You want to emphasize that this is taking place in another world - as far as I know, everything could be occurring in a typical suburban house and I wouldn't know any better. Makes us feel this world's strangeness, its difference from our typical world. Even little details like the heat, like the way the servants bow as they pass the family members, the sound people's footsteps make on the floor - even little details like this help us visualize things more strongly, to the point where we aren't just reading a story, but experiencing the story alongside the characters.

You have a tendency to use the most vague, general, and abstract words - that's not a problem in a rough draft, but when going back and revising, you really want to use not just a word that works, but the word that works. Oh dear, I fear I'm making no sense. What I mean is that being a writer is all about being precise. Unless you are deliberately trying to sow confusion, never pick a word so vague it can be interpreted in dozens of different ways. Always use the word that conveys the exact image that you want it to convey. Hunt for words, obsess over them. You'll find your prose all the tighter and punchier for doing that. Granted, this is the sort of thing you do in edits, not in the first draft (and I'm sorry to say, but the story really did read like a first draft).

I think I've touched everything I wanted to about logical progression/organization in the actual nitpick, but yeah. Just remember that some things do need to be spelled out, and thoughts should always be organized in the most elegant, natural manner.

If you have any questions or want to set me straight in any regard, feel free to send a PM my way. ^^ In fact, I'd love it if you did.
Ah, it is an empty movement. That is an empty movement. It is.




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What an interesting voice!

I think that's what really drew me into this piece of fiction. The narrators voice is a little more sardonic than the usual melancholy main character. She has a bit more bite. A bit more sass. It makes it more enjoyable to read as well as to understand and to think a little more highly of your character.

But, and this is a big but, I want to see you shaping some flaws in. Anger can be a deadly flaw if you play your cards right. Cause and effect are useful tools even when your characters combat with good verses evil. It shapes the plot in a way that bad things happening to good people could never, not to mention when a person doesn't like a quality in a character, it makes the character more believable. So really play on the anger card if you can.

Now, the first section of this kind of caught me off guard. Maybe because it jumped right into dialogue. Maybe because her parents say her name so often. I can't really say. All I know is that is seemed a bit off. I want you to deliberate a little bit on the subject matter. Make the dialogue a little more realistic and a little less plot-moving. This is a great time to show us the characters that these parents portray.

Next, I want to note on your diction.

As I was reading this, I found it to be enjoyable, but also a little bit flat. Not that your writing is necessarily flat. Just that there was not too many epic word choices or metaphors. Metaphors will be your best friend if you learn to use them constantly. In fact, some short story writers nearly fill the entirety of their pieces with extended metaphor simply because it gives such a strong affect and beautiful imagery.

What this had in interesting character, it also lacked in description and setting. I suppose, because this is the beginning, we can't really jump the gun about how you're running this show. Just that, no matter how much description can be daunting to a reader sometimes, it also shapes the story in whichever way you wish it to be shaped. Most of what occurred I had to picture in my head. For instance, I picture the punching dummie as a scarecrow, or the sister as being ridiculously beautiful. I also pictured Cat as being kind of boyish and sturdy.

That being said, maybe expand on these subjects. This needs some fleshing out, mostly, but I guarantee with a little bit more work, this'll shine like a new penny. You've got your main character down pat. Just work on keeping her story as alive as possible!

~Walker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S



The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
— Helen Keller