One of Those Days...; First Edit

*This is my second entry for the 150 words or less contest, hosted by joshuapaul*

One of Those Days...

You know the feeling when everything goes right? It was one of those days for me...

You know the feeling when everything goes wrong? It was one of those days for him...

You know the feeling of accomplishment? It was one of those days for me...

You know the feeling of mourning a passing? It was one of those days for him...

You know the feeling of commiting your first murder? It was one of those days for me...

You know the feeling of helplessly watching? It was one of those days for him...

You know the feeling when you rid yourself of a pest? It was one of those days for me...

You know the feeling when your mom slaughters your pet? It was one of those days for him...

I liked this

It held my attention from the beginning, and at the fifth line I was like 'Woah!' and suddenly everything fit together and I was pulled right into the writing. So overall this was very effective for me, though I don't know what you were thinking with the last line x) The part about the gerbil just felt out of place and kind of broke the mood. That would be the only place I would consider editing.

Great job!

Thank you for your review

The last line was saying that she killed her son's pet.

If someone else also complains about the last line, I'll remove it.

Hey Brandon!

This piece is certainly different to your other entry, but I liked it. The change in styles was good and, like TheBlackSheep said, the whole piece held my attention.

I think the whole repeating the same line could have gotten a little tedious if the piece had been any longer, but because you have such a short word limit here, I think it just about works.

It was clever, alternating between 'me' and 'him'. It gave the piece a little bit of a pattern, and you had me reading on, trying to work out what the connection would be at the end between the two characters.

The questions feel like they're talking directly to the reader, which is good as it enables the reader to interact with the story. I found myself answering the questions; I said no to number five by the way

The only thing I think is missing is the connection between the two characters. I want to know more. Like are they best friends or brothers? I don't want you to have to disrupt the flow of the piece, and I don't know how close you are to the word limit, but a little bit of added info about their connection would benefit the piece, I think. Maybe just a line at the end or something.

The whole piece has a touch of dark humour to it, and I kind of liked that about it.

I'm sorry that I've not been very helpful. It's midnight here and I'm so tired, but I just had to comment.

Good luck in the contest!

xDudettex

It's 130 words long now, or around that.

I'll consider adding another line, seeing if I can add a connection.

Thank you, this was greatly appreciated.

Twin, I would love to review this but I shouldn't. I will say one thing though by repeating 'You know the feeling' you waste a lot of words. I think in both of your entries you seem to have great ideas and express them well but you don't seem to understand how important it is to be concise. You can squeeze a lot of story into 150 words, but you waste too many of them. This does read a little bit like poetry almost, you get close to the find line but I would certainly still call it a story.

Anyway good luck and I look forward to seeing the final version you submit!
JP

P.S. This is a rather hilarious take on the morbid theme you were handed, very original and I commend you for that!

I'm not good at writing stories...

I shall keep trying though!

I'll think of something...

Heym great idea! So it's about her that broke up with him, I suppose? Anyway, great idea (as I said before) to express this in only 150 words... or so. xD

The repetition felt a bit awkward at first, but in the end I took it as a good technique in order to write about something that you don't mention at the same time.

Great job with this!

Back again!

This seems longer... Have you added more lines? If not, it was probably just that I first read this with my eyes half shut.

Anyway, I like that you've added the connection in. It gives the story a bit of background and it gives faces to the 'him' and 'me' too.

I think what josh has said, about it seeming a waste of words to repeat the same lines over and over, is a point, but because the humour makes this original, I don't think you should worry about changing it. Besides, you've told the story through the questions, and the sort of answers that follow them, so it's not like you haven't told the story at all.

Anyway, you've still got another entry, if you choose to use it, so having at least one in a different style is sure to go your way, I think

I hope this second review helps!

xDudettex

I liked it! I also liked how you told the story, it was really interesting! I want more!
Congrats on such a piece of fantastic writing x

Grr, mixed signals. I like your review though, thanks for the support.