"My World," Poem 2

Alternate poem using the same two opening lines as my other poem of the same name.


Welcome to my world, my love.
‘Tis a scary place.

Countless twisted monsters plague my life.

Three malevolent beasts roam my golden plains,
basking in the heavenly sunlight

One massive, with folds of fat
Hanging off contorted bones.
One ancient, with a vicious snarl
That can’t hide the frailty hidden behind its blind eyes.
One diminutive, with a razor sharp tongue
And a mouth full of needles.

In the night sky,
Dancing among the stars
And floating through
The black void of twilight

I am besieged by invisible adversaries
That scream soundlessly;
That stab at my back
And pluck at my heart,
Leaving my body unmarked
While shredding my soul.

Even in the lovely, blessed dusk,
In a forest
Where no sun shines
And no darkness falls

Lie mysterious beings of shadow and poetry
That beguile me with words
Which are sweet to the soul
But blatant lies to the mind.
Featureless forms that stride through me
And take whatever is within their grasp.

And then there was you, my love.
Standing above it all,
On a stone pedestal,
Bathed in radiant light.

Floating beyond the sunlit plains
Shining in the twilight void
Tiptoeing on the canopy of colorless trees

One arm outstretched to me,
Enticing me forward,
One arm hidden behind you,
Grasping at something unknown.
Could it be a rose?
A sign of love, true?
Or perhaps it is a blade
To end this life of monsters and pain.

Which is it, my love?
No matter the answer, the result is the same;
Relief.

This was good metaphors and discriptiveness....
The three monesters? *wonders about who it could be*

I liked this one a lot better than the other one, maybe because it was a bit longer, or because it had to do about finding love... I really liked this and if people don't read a post on it it's their loss.

I liked this one too. I also read your other one. That one was good, enjoyed the imagery. Like a very happy and sunny day in a world with beautiful sunsets.... This one was good. I like your language better. You use words not heard everyday. That's good. I like the mood you create in the first part of the poem. And I like how you... eh, not glorified, the love. (I can't find the right word but you get the idea.) But I would put these two stanzas together:

"And then there was you, my love.
Standing above it all,
On a stone pedestal,
Bathed in radiant light.

Floating beyond the sunlit plains
Shining in the twilight void
Tiptoeing on the canopy of colorless trees"

I just think that it's awkward with the break in between the two. Then I liked the questioning nature of the last two stanzas. Very good. I liked this poem.

Wow. I'm very impressed. This is one of your best poems by far. I... have no criticism. Although the writer in me has not been gagged and is now shouting out, "This would make a great story!" *sighs* She doesn't see the symbolism in this piece.

I, however, do, and I think you worked it in beautifully. Very, very nice.

Donovan, you made me do it. You know how much I hate critiquing poetry and analyzing it, but I will subdue my own limitations to this one favor. But be warned, I am giving my opinion on THIS poem, not you or any one person specifically. I'm treating this piece in two different parts (poems?) for reasons I will explain. Also, I don't give out baby cakes for the learning experience; poetry in my mind is for the expression of touch, feel, see, and hear. Forget the smell. So, here it is:

First of all, there are a few things to consider. Is the first stanza a requirement to have in this poem? I know Nate gives out little 'pamphlets' that are supposed to initiate emotions and feelings, but these are tools for you to begin this treacherous and dangerous journey, not actually use them. If not, then my bad. It still needs to go though. I know it sounds peachy and is well put (can only be placed in the beginning) but I don't see how it really contributes to the rest of the poem. Also, it's too hippity to introduce us, get to the dread first, then the angels.

The overall line capitalization in this poem is not presenting well in my mind. Mainly because it gives the feeling of organization and structure; how is anyone's brain that patternized? This is a poem about you, and what is happening to your mind. You are in love; you have monsters. Cut the capitals, it makes the poem more YOU. It allows me to subconsciously be more aware of who it is that is writing this poem, and who is that? Right. Take the fourth stanza, about the specific monsters of your parents and relatives. After reading that, you know what I saw? "OHOTOA!" Yes, the beginning letters of every line in that stanza. You have repeating structures here: main clause + descriptive phrase, then the concluding clause after that on another line. You repeat this process for all three monsters of your family. Now. Is this strict rule set of position needed? Does this tell me that your parents are the main contributors of this world? It is by far the most organized of the poem, so it must be important. Could this be the head of this monster, that stares ever so focus-lyly at you? Do all the other parts of the poem represent the flipping and flopping tail of this monster? These are all things that I got from just reading your first several stanzas.

Countless twisted monsters plague my life. and the two lines Three Malevolent Beasts roam my golden plains, [line break] basking in the heavenly sunlight What are you telling me here? These are basically two of the same lines, but one points more specifically at the stanza beneath it. This is repetition. I don't like it. I say you should choose only one to start with--but you do need both because of the way you wrote the fourth stanza. With organization comes the laws bound to it: you have to stick to it. The second stanza is meant to target all the general monsters in the poem, and the third points directly at one part of 'species' of monsters, your family. Gah! Too organized for such a deep poem. Also, you write golden plains and heavenly sunlight. Dude! Read your second line. It says 'scary'... how are these beautiful words scary and horrifying? Both of these phrases represent setting, but you told us before hand that it will consist of fathoms and monsters and 'scary' images. Ummmm... Am I missing something?

Fourth stanza. aka. OHOTOA. Sorry, but this only my viewpoint of this stanza. It's way too... yup, organized. It's presented like an outline almost, to the point that you could list all the types of monsters there ever was right below it. What makes these THREE monsters, each representing people in your family, so powerful that they take a seat upon your self of scary figures? The only capitalized letters should be these three monsters because they are somewhat more defined and real to us. I would place the article 'the' before each one and continue from there, without all the... you know. Structure. Get your hands a little more messy, you don't need so much pattern. Line 4 in that stanza: if it can't hide then how is it hidden? Just a question I asked myself. Line 5 in that stanza: sharp? I would prefer to do without that word, as I think too many adjectives clouds the meaning. Just have razor tongue and we get the same meaning, if not more so. I commonly will write poetry that will cascade triplets of words just for their sounds and fluidity, while the poem completely makes no sense. Here, you don't need that.

*sigh* Next stanza... *wipes brow*

Interesting. I now see what you mean in the 5-6 stanzas; they are troublesome, and damn near unpredictable to follow. One question: do I still land my ass in that group, or do I get to have the Dono’s Gold Membership now? No pressure. Lines 12-15 is the… introduction to the next stanza? It is literally the doormat to line 16, if I’m not mistaken. Yes, why don’t you combine these two? You do it also with the next monster. Parallelism. You know my view on it. I know. You separate these from each other because you need to isolate the meaning of setting. So you get the proper message across. Awwwwww! Dono is making it easy for us. I say trim the 12-15 stanza to maybe like 2 lines, and give us more of the monster. I see that in following stanza what the monster does to you; could you beef up on what they are? Maybe go into some more detail about them. I would like to see some eye-popping analogies and personifications here. You know, kind of the sha-bang of the rang-o-tang. Then combine them. Also, with these last two monsters, make one bigger then the other, if that is honestly how they are (as in write more about it). Which one is more of a pain to you? Does the ex hurt more then the ‘hidden’ friend?

I’m still on this section of the monster, I just need a break a little… *silent stretches* *yawn* Okay. So. Are you going to use grammar or not in this poem? I usually don’t. Again, it is your preference. Just kinda keep them in or out. Even in poetry they have meaning; I don’t care what people say. Take out the in the 13 line, it makes it more weightless and questionable, and more riddle-ish. I would do that. Lines 17-19. I don’t know. They seem a bit overpowered here, but I think it’s what needs to be done. I think it’s your punctuation here that kind of gets me. I would put a semi-colon at the end of the 18th line. It’s hard editing something with so much linear mirrors in it, because if you change one thing, another must change. And so forth and so forth.

Line 22. What’s with the Even? Ehh? Does this monster have some connections or invisible cables that tie to former said beasts? This word puts me off, and I try to wonder how this monster relates to the others? I know the last two monsters both contain the friendship attribute, but are they so similar that you must connect them? Surely they cannot be the same, one with whispers cannot match the one with wine. lovely is a good word in line 22. That’s not what I think we are looking for. Scariness and horror I say! This is a good stanza though, besides the issues raised like its cousin in stanza 5. I love the poetry in line 26, nice touch. Actually, this whole stanza is really smooth, and I like it a lot more than the former. I'd better be in this group. *winks*

Oh boy. Now. Tell me exactly what you are doing? The angel that comes to save you? I guess you should write a story like Crysi says. This is just my opinion on the POEM, not you Dono. Seriously. Shouldn’t this angel have a poem devoted to just her? How dare these monsters reside in the presence of your true love? Why not end the poem of darkness now? Leave it for the dogs of dim and do. You are now starting a whole different poem. On the whole this poem is gross and despicable (meaning that it is positively negative; save goodness for another day). I think you should leave us in the darkest hour, and have the reader swim back to the surface to survive. You are writing the monsters of your life; you are no lifeguard here to throw us a rope of light and passion. I don’t have enough energy to switch gears like this… But I will carry on anyways.

Now on to the second poem (or part II). So much for dim and do. Lines 32-35 I get one picture. An angel. Sure. Everyone shines bright in each other’s minds if they are loved, but you need to paint that for me. 33 and 34 are basically the same; her figure is prioritized above all else, don’t need to say it twice. Line 35 has been shot to death so many times it puts bullet shells in the editor’s shoes. Bathed in radiant light.? Come on man. I don’t mean to be rude, I’m sorry. Just, like get into it. She better be a hell of a lot more then this, it’s just that the way you put it on paper (it’s hard I know) makes it so, bland. How does this little stanza face those monsters? Not a chance. From the looks of the rest of the poem, you have no where else to show her meaning to you. The rest of the poem is her actions and what she does. Like the monsters (they had a bit more), what IS SHE to you? I care more about your pure feelings then the songs she may pipe, however entrancing they may be. Yea, 36-38 should be together with the ladder stanza. I don’t know why you separated them. From stanza 4 you have the 6-4-6-4-6-4-3? So much foundation, where has it all gone? Line 37 has the repeated word twilight void, just to let you know. 38! *laughs* Yes, that was very clever… I like it. Wait!!!!!! Does the repeated phrase about the void refer to the fact that she has overcome what someone else could not? Is this to compare [two individuals], your love against another? Man, that would pretty awesome if it was. Or it could just be a repeated phrase. Hey!! I look at all possibilities.

The last stanza… I could do without the whole thing. I do favor the blade though, makes me not want to see her juggle the knives. Cut me off ehh? But I have the Dono’s Gold Membership, beat that! I don’t usually like questions in poems, as they make the reader too involved besides reading. Keep their nose down is what I like to do. Some of the lines are a little too wordy, like lines 42 and 48. That’s about it for this last stanza, which is defiantely not my favorite. Sorry. I guess she will have to try to impress me with her juggling. Oh, you said my love three times. Shouldn’t you say it 5 times for the 5 monsters? Just more parallelism if you crave it that much.

Overall I love the idea of the monsters, and writing about true loves are always hitching and interesting. You put them together for a story, not something I planned on seeing. You had some wonderfully stated phrases and some of your word choices were flawless. Other times I saw a bit of a struggle to get your words out, all in good time. I did loose interest when you introduced the angel because after a half a day of going through the first part, you don’t really like it to switch on you like that. Also, I’m a little tired. I would like to see the monsters develop into a nifty little poem, like the one I was talking about earlier. Head of the dragon (the sophisticated and organized part of the poem) and then the flowing and waving part of the beast. Just an idea that I was running with throughout the poem. Thanks for the read, and a job well done.

~AW

I fixed that "too" for you. I had nothing better to do. ~Crysi
A word of wisdom, if you want to fool around with mods, make sure it's on your turf. I too had nothing better to do. ~ZZAP

EDIT: Second to last paragraph of my reply (ZZAP) needs a correction of another o for the 'to' in the middle there... I'm too lazy to change it. But have enough energy to post as another member; don't ask...

Jeez homie.....we're gonna have a chat me and you here pretty quick lol

I like it. The first part kind of reminded me of "Where the Wild Things Are." The second part with the girl reminded me of some morbid love story. Overall, very interesting read.