What a Wonderful World.1 [deleted]

This work has been deleted. Sorry.

I like the idea here and how it was written. I'm really looking forward to more! The characters were nice, I can't say more because it's the first chapter, but I can definitely see instances of characterization. I like the dialogue, it was easy and natural. The whole story flowed quite well and made sense. Also, I didn't spot any spelling/grammar troubles, but I'm not all that great at that. All in all, good job. Thanks for writing and sharing!

(First Review!) You have a really great idea here, and frankly I can't wait to see where the story goes from here! The characters are likable and seem identifiable despite it only being the first chapter.Keep writing!

First off, I'd like to mention that I love the irony of your title. Very sarcastic. Being that this is the first chapter, I guess it's okay for it to be a world build-up and character descriptions. Keep in mind that overly describing things could be considered info-dumping and could also potentially lose the reader's interest. I'm not saying that you do, just to keep in mind of that. I do feel that the MC is unnaturally quiet though. She/he almost never talks. It's almost as if the MC is a spectator to the events happening in front of him/her. You could even write this in third person if you really wanted. Being that you said there would be a next chapter, I'm assuming that this is a novel and not a short story anymore.
Because it is now a novel, you can omit some things that you would otherwise put in a short story so the reader won't be totally confused. Some things, you don't need to describe and can let the reader learn over time. Like Akira's usual calmness or what you've described as coolness.

Back to the MC. We know absolutely nothing about the narrator! :O Not even where Dira's from! I feel confused. Also, it'd be helpful if I could imagine them a bit better, but I guess the point of this first chapter is finding out about the great war that's about to happen and how their lives will be forever changed.

Nitpicks:

Now that most of the students had left, the hostels and cafeteria were the areas best heated. The school as freezing now, I knew. I’d visited the Arts Block with Sakura to fetch a few pots of paint for a project the day before, and we had to wear our warmest clothing to be able to stand the temperature. Luckily#FF0000 ">, #FF0000 ">enough nothing had happened to the paint, since they were all kept in temperature-proof cupboards, but a bottle of water somebody’d left behind on the last day of school had frozen through.

In the last sentence, some of the words were unnecessary and made the sentence a bit awkward in my opinion.

I sipped my chocolate and watched the snowflakes fall outside.

You forgot the "hot" in "hot chocolate" here, but I don't think it's necessarily essential.


Over all: You have so much potential with this novel. Bombs. Explosions. Dying people. Rescues. All that action-y adventure-y good stuff. I love your vocabulary usage. I had to look up a few of them myself. I like the sarcasm with Alexeis and Sakura. I'm just confused. Deeply confused with the characters. I think you need a little bit of physical character description and environmental description. For example, Sakura flipped her black, Asian hair. That was a bad example, but you get the idea. A little something to help the reader imagine.

Happy Adventure seeking!
-Crescent

Hi, Button,
I also respect the 'near future' scenarios, have actually written a few myself so I find myself more or less at home with the plot, minus the 'kids in dorms' scenario, which I always evade for some reason.

Right, quite a nice effort so far, the rhythm of the prose is fine, and we begin to get to know the first traits of various characters. There's a bit too much sipping of chocolate going on, and one 'hot-turned-to lukewarm' too many, but otherwise everything seems to be in order.

Little things should be left to the author to deal with when the final editing/polishing comes, the major things should be pointed out in reviews, but there are no major things to point out. Keep going, don't stop. The more little projects you actually finish, the better chance of suddenly exploding on the scene with quality writing, after becoming of age.

P.S. There's a difference between say the Muslim world of North Africa and the Near East, and the Muslim world of the Far East - Indonesia, Malaysia. The first are Sunni and Shia, the East Asian ones are more based on the Sufi mysticism.

So how about having an 'East Caliphate' and a 'West Caliphate'? Or a 'Democratic Arab Union', if you're feeling optimistic about the current pro-democracy events there. There's a thought - a near future, where the only safe and free place is the Arab Union, haha.

Also, sub-Saharan Africa is mainly pagan and a Christian, so it too can be a different power-player. Also there's bad blood about 'proper' black Africans being abducted by arab slavers and sold to whites in the centuries past.