When All Hope Is Lost

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Somebody was out to get me.
First there was the van that mounted the pavement as I was walking down the High Street. If I hadn’t stepped into a shop doorway, I’d have been stuck to its radiator grill like a dustcart teddy.
Then there was the gargoyle. It had been on that church tower for 700 years before it smashed on the pavement half a metre from where I was standing.
Then, less than an hour ago, on the station platform, someone yelled, “Look out!” and I felt a pair of hands shove me forward just as the train was coming in. How I stopped myself falling in front of it, I’ll never know.
I went to a café, had a cup of tea and stopped shaking. Then I set off for home. I’d hardly gone a hundred metres when a silver Bentley Continental stopped right beside me and the passenger door swung open.
A voice from inside said, “Get in.”

Before I could even resist, a hand snaked out of the silver car, wrapping around wrist with a solid, iron grip. I screamed, toppling into the passenger seat with a thud as the door slammed behind me. Quickly, the driver revved the engine and sped of, resulting in me slamming into the back of the padded seat. I pulled my seatbelt on and with a satisfied click, the belt locked into position. Thoughts darted around my head like a caged bird, why was I here? Was I going to be OK? Was I going to...survive...? Briefly, I glanced at my ‘kidnapper.’ He had black hair, black as a ravens- exactly like mine. He had a small scar that ran from his eye to his hairline, puckered like an angry mouth. I shivered.
“Who are you?” I demanded, my brow creasing.
“Who are you?” He mimicked me. At least, that’s what I thought he was doing, until he glared at me and snapped.
“So, who are you?”
“Oh....I.....erm....”
“Speak up lad!”
“I am David Alan Nutroi.” I said slowly, unsure if he could use this information against me.
He grunted and I swear I saw a smile dart across his mouth.
“Call me Dan.” He said gruffly. I nodded and relaxed. This man looked like he would bare me no harm. We rounded a corner. I gasped.
“Are you a friend of my mums?”
“Aye lad. But much more than just a friend, I loved her dearly and,” he began to whisper and I saw a sheen of tears cover his eyes, “I’m sorry for us.” At first I was confused- us? - But my thoughts of blissfulness over-rided them.
I scanned my road eagerly as we the car ate away the distance between my home. I smiled. Just a friend of my mums, taking me home. Nothing could go wrong. I thought... but how wrong I was. I jumped out of the car. I smiled at Dan.
“Cheers!” I cried, happy to be safely home. Dan placed something my hand.
“Press it when all hope is lost...and I hope you can make sure that you never come here again.” he said seriously, dark eyes sad. He slammed the door and drove of. I turned to meet my house. My stomach twisted and my heart leapt in my mouth. A Police Tape ran around the perimeter of my home, waving in the forlorn breeze. My eyes welled and I fell to the floor. My head hit a sharp rock; narrowly missing my temple and nearly embedding itself in my eye. Tears and blood intermingling, entwining on the floor in a pinkish puddle.
It’s all over, I couldn’t go in there, and that’s what Dan must have meant... I unfurled my hand. A gadget, roughly the size of my hand, was nestled in my palm.
When all hope is lost.....
So I clicked it.
I fell, plummeting towards the earth, down, down, further than I ever thought possible. I suffered a sense of vertigo as I was thrust upwards and then there was just blackness. I awoke next to a van. I stood up, dizzy. I caught a look of myself in the mirror. I had a puckered scar running from my hairline to my eye. Oh My...! I understood then...Dan. David Alan Nutroi. Dan. Dan was me! I was Dan! I checked my watch. It was 11:20. I caught my train at 1:20. But how did that figure? Then it hit me like a bolt of lightning, the shock of it forcing me to my knees. Dan had said to make sure I never went home again so somehow- maybe with that gadget- he (or rather I) had sent myself back in time to stop myself getting there. But how was I going to stop myself? An idea surfacing, I got in the van- thankfully it was open! – and I turned the keys that had been left there. I drove down the road- looking for the figure. There. I drove onto the kerb, but the boy stepped into a shop doorway at the last moment. So I got out as quietly as I could and snuck towards the church. I climbed the steep steps, circling up and up. I forced myself onto the lip of the window, scaling the steep roof until I came to the gargoyle. It had been here for over 700 years so it was weak and crumbling. I pushed my body against it, grunting against the weight. Whatever happened, I couldn’t make myself face going back to my house again...

Spoiler
I wrote this years ago for a competition- the italics was the starter, and I wrote the rest. Enjoy!
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That was creepy. Nevertheless I thoroughly enjoyed it! I really like the idea you have going. I couldn't really find any grammatical errors, but they may still be lurking there. However, the pace of the piece seemed a little rushed. It all happened really quickly, and right as i was interested it ended. I think it needs a little more detail.

Well done, Keep writing!
Insanity is the spark creativity.




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Thanks for your review! It was for a contest with a word limit, so I was going to extend it but decided not too, but I have an idea forming ... I may post a "Part II" soon.... x) ... I'll think about it.
But again, thanks for your review! xx
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Hey PrincessOfDarkness!

I'm glad you posted this. I enjoyed reading it :)

So, I don't know if you want any nit-piks or not, seeing as you wrote this a while ago, but I'll go ahead and point some things out anyway.

wrapping around wrist with


You need 'my' before 'wrist'

and sped of


'off'

bird, why


The comma would be better as a semi-colon.

Nutroi.” I said


“Call me Dan.” He said


You need the full stops here to be commas.

“Are you a friend of my mums?”


This strikes me as a bit of a weird question to ask. I mean, I get that you want the 'kidnapper' to be able to say he knew his mum, but it seems like a strange, out of the blue question, to have David say.

This man looked like he would bare me no harm.


How did David know that? Did the man relax? Look out of the window? Smile?

as we the car


Nix 'we'

here again.” he said


'here again,” he said'

and drove of.


'off'

heart leapt in my mouth.


'to' would be better than 'in'

A Police Tape


You don't need to have 'Tape' with a capital 't'

roughly the size of my hand, was nestled in my palm.


If it were the size of his entire hand then I don't think it would be able to nestle in his hand very easily ;)

I understood then...Dan. David Alan Nutroi. Dan. Dan was me! I was Dan!


This seems all too sudden. If I'd have just had that happen to me, the falling and seeing the poilce tape round my home, then I wouldn't see the link between myself and the other person straight away. Yes, having a matching scar would help, but maybe adding in more of a thought process would stop this part from feeling too rushed. Also, I don't think 'David' and 'Dan' have much of a connection. Maybe the 'kidnapper' could have called himself 'D' or something instead.

An idea surfacing, I got in the van- thankfully it was open!


In my head, the MC was only about eleven or twelve, so I guess he wouldn't be able to drive. Here though, you do only have him swerve the car at the other version of himself, so I guess it's not too much of a problem.

for over 700 years


'700' should be seven hundred. But I guess in the starter, it wasn't written out properly either, so I'll let you off :P

***

So, I think the whole thing has potential. It does feel a little rushed in places, the ending especially, but then again you had a word limit, so I guess the piece is okay as it is.

The plot idea was nice, and I think you followed on from the starter prompt well. If you do choose to re-write or add to this, then I'd love to see more of a build up to getting to the house. More of the MC's thoughts, maybe about being kidnapped, and also when he gets to the house. What does he think has happened? Can he see police? Does he get a bad feeling and know his mum's dead? It just needs fleshing out a bit.

I don't know if you were after a proper review, but I thought I might as well give you one :)

I hope this helps and thanks for the read!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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Thanks Dudette! I appreciate the nitpicks- I've only just grasped the speech comma and full stop buisness, for some reason I just couldn't quite understand it. I was very iffy on 'off' and 'of' and 'where' and 'were' but I got that now. LOL. I wasn't very good at English until I got a decent English Teacher: some bits I excelled at, others just confused me. But ignore my rant/excuse, thanks for the review! x

David Alan Nutroi was D.A.N = Dan! xD
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Hey, Captain Nitpick (otherwise known as Cspr) here and I'm breezing through to review. First off, nice job at the title--and drawing me in. Normally I'm either put off by the title or the first paragraph (I'm picky) so you did well. Now, for the nitty-gritty, otherwise known as the editing phrase.

Somebody was out to get me.
First there was the van that mounted the pavement as I was walking down the High Street. If I hadn’t stepped into a shop doorway, I’d have been stuck to its radiator grill like a dustcart teddy.
Then there was the gargoyle. It had been on that church tower for 700 years before it smashed on the pavement half a metre from where I was standing.
Then, less than an hour ago, on the station platform, someone yelled, “Look out!” and I felt a pair of hands shove me forward just as the train was coming in. How I stopped myself falling in front of it, I’ll never know.
I went to a café, had a cup of tea and stopped shaking. Then I set off for home. I’d hardly gone a hundred metres when a silver Bentley Continental stopped right beside me and the passenger door swung open.
A voice from inside said, “Get in.”
Before I could even resist, a hand snaked out of the silver car, wrapping around wrist with a solid, iron grip. I screamed, toppling into the passenger seat with a thud as the door slammed behind me. The driver revved the engine and sped off, resulting in me slamming into the back of the padded seat. I pulled my seatbelt on and with a satisfied click, the belt locked into position. Thoughts darted around my head like an anxious bird trapped in a cage: Why was I here? Was I going to be OK? Was I going to...survive...?
I glanced at my ‘kidnapper.’ He had black hair, black as a raven's--exactly like mine. He had a small scar that ran from his eye to his hairline. It puckered like an angry mouth. I shivered.
“Who are you?” I asked, my brow creasing.
“Who are you?” he mimicked me. At least, that’s what I thought he was doing, until he glared at me and snapped,
“So, who are you?”
“Oh . . . I . . . erm . . .”
“Speak up, lad!”
“I am David Alan Nutroi,” I said slowly, unsure if he could use this information against me.
He grunted and I swear I saw a smile dart across his mouth.
“Call me Dan,” he said. I nodded and relaxed. This man looked like he would bare me no harm. We rounded a corner. I gasped.
“Are you a friend of my mum's?”
“Aye, lad. But much more than just a friend, I loved her dearly and,” he began to whisper and I saw a sheen of tears cover his eyes, “I’m sorry for us.” At first I was confused--us? But my thoughts of blissfulness over-rided them.
I scanned my road eagerly as we the car ate away the distance between my home. I smiled. Just a friend of my mums, taking me home. Nothing could go wrong. I thought . . . but how wrong I was. I jumped out of the car. I smiled at Dan.
“Cheers!” I cried, happy to be safely home. Dan placed something my hand.
“Press it when all hope is lost . . . and I hope you can make sure that you never come here again,” he said seriously, dark eyes sad. He slammed the door and drove off. I turned to meet my house. My stomach twisted and my heart leapt in my mouth. Police tape ran around the perimeter of my home, waving in the forlorn breeze. My eyes welled and I fell to the floor. My head hit a sharp rock; narrowly missing my temple and nearly embedding itself in my eye. Tears and blood intermingling, entwining on the floor in a pinkish puddle.
It’s all over, I couldn’t go in there, and that’s what Dan must have meant . . . I unfurled my hand. A gadget, roughly the size of my hand, was nestled in my palm.
When all hope is lost . . .
So I clicked it.
I fell, plummeting towards the earth, down, down, further than I ever thought possible. I suffered a sense of vertigo as I was thrust upwards and then there was just blackness.


I awoke next to a van. I stood up, dizzy. I caught a look of myself in the mirror. I had a puckered scar running from my hairline to my eye. Oh my--!
I understood then. Dan. David Alan Nutroi. Dan. Dan was me. I was Dan. I checked my watch. It was 11:20. I caught my train at 1:20. But how did that figure? Then it hit me like a bolt of lightning, the shock of it forcing me to my knees. Dan had said to make sure I never went home again so somehow--maybe with that gadget--he (or rather I) had sent myself back in time to stop myself getting there. But how was I going to stop myself? An idea surfacing, I got in the van--thankfully it was open!–-and I turned the keys that had been left there. I drove down the road--looking for the figure. There. I drove onto the kerb, but the boy stepped into a shop doorway at the last moment. So I got out as quietly as I could and snuck towards the church. I climbed the steep steps, circling up and up. I forced myself onto the lip of the window, scaling the steep roof until I came to the gargoyle. It had been here for over 700 years so it was weak and crumbling. I pushed my body against it, grunting against the weight. Whatever happened, I couldn’t make myself face going back to my house again...


You can notice I out a few words into italics where I made larger changes and also put some words that probably needed to be in italics, well, in italics. You should be able to notice the difference. Also, note how I took out some words, some unneeded tag words (try to always use 'said' or 'says', depending on tense) and adverbs. Adverbs are the devil.

Anyway, that was a very interesting story! Nice job of a short story, but--I am confused as to why the first Dan let him go home in the first place, but, yeah, well, it's all timey-whimey and that's not my gig, lol. Good luck with future projects, anyway, and I hope this critique helps. :)

P.S. I wrote this up before anyone else posted, but then I had to go and my Internet was down when I got back (bummer). Basically it's showing other reviews made and, just to let you know--any number over 100 is written out in digits rather than spelled out according to everything I've learned in school.

-Cspr
My SPD senses are tingling.



In a dream you are never eighty.
— Anne Sexton