Slips of the Pen

Nursing an aluminum Coke can -
one quarter full, three fourths empty -
replaying the pop of the tab - penetration,
sigh - in my cloudy and high head
while scrawling a line of half-remembered Hamlet,
on a half-seen hardwood counter top,
next to careless, sordid, scratched-in,
Freudian phalli -
slips of the pen - is
how I loitered the local bar.

Wonderful poem. i only just understand your poem but I have the feeling that is the effect you wanted to give . I love how the poem seems to drag you into the world of the local bar.

next to careless, sordid, scratched-in,
Freudian phalli -

Maybe 'next to a careless..' would sound better?

Nice avatar by the way, I too love Magritte. Sorry if this isn't a great review.

That was really confusing. Good, but confusing.

Nice rework!
I still like Sluttish better than sordid, but this version is much easier more fluid.
one nitpick: Perhaps loitered at, but not a big deal... Unless it was supposed to sound like littered, in which case very creative.
Perhaps Loitered and littered at the local bar... I don't know, you can tweak the wording.
Good job!

inkwell wrote:Nursing an aluminum Coke can -
one quarter full, three fourths empty - I like how you emphasize the amount of coke!
replaying the pop of the tab - penetration, It's easy to imagine this, like a pencil dropping, it has it's own sound
sigh - in my cloudy and high head aaah, writers block! Hate it! but it brought about this!
while scrawling a line of half-remembered Hamlet,
on a half-seen hardwood counter top, Always great to picture the place
next to careless, sordid, scratched-in,
Freudian phalli -
slips of the pen - is
how I loitered the local bar.

There's an older feel to this piece, which gives it a unique style and feel. Wonderful!

Thanks for the crits everyone!

Butter there is kind of an allusion to writer's block that I kind of intended. It was more the mood of having it than actually having it. That doesn't make any sense.

Flyer, you're impossible to please...

Pazey, could you elaborate? It really helps when I know specifically what I write confuses people. In this poem I can see how to some extent you have to know Hamlet, who Freud is, what a Freudian slip of the tongue is, or a phallus, etc. but if it's my format or run-on sentence let me know.

Jennya! I cant put "a careless" because "phalli" is plural and if I put "phallus" it won't rhyme with "sigh" or "high" or anything else.

I typically don't like poems of this style, but I actually enjoyed this one. Nice imagery, you really captured the moment in the bar. I can't really make a suggestion though, besides that I agree maybe

next to careless, sordid, scratched-in,

could be next to a. Besides that, very good poem! I hope to read more of your work

I'd like to give you a good review but am struggling to understand the poem. Maybe it would be easier if I knew who Freudian phalli is... I never did read Hamlet xxx