Love and things like it:)

Review:)

Love.
The way everything was that night
so perfectly was it all set up.
But you no longer think of the way the rose was in my hair,
Is that really why you noticed?
You said you loved me.
But all I am to you is nothing.

Hey!
So i really liked this. However, I think that you should try to put more emotion into it. It seemed to skim the surface of what you were trying to say.

Here's a few critiques.

Love.
The way everything was that night
so perfectly was it all set up. this line is very unclear. I think you should try to specify and make it more clear as to what you're refering.
Butyou no longer think of the way the rose was in my hair, I don't think you should start the line with "But"
Is that really why you noticed? noticed what? clarify!!
You said you loved me. I think that you should make another line here and say something like..."you lied." or something like that. Just to help sum it up.
But all I am to you is nothing.Kind of a weak ending. But maybe it's just me.

Overall, I think that you could make it a lot better by just adding more depth and emotion. It's a really great start. I think you should try to improve it and re-post it. Please feel free to message me with any questions or comments. Happy Writing!

-Lexi

One line in particular to me stood out as needing a little rephrasing.

so perfectly was it all set up.

Just try rearranging the words to get a smoother flow, that was the only line i stumbled on. You said a lot with only a few words. Those seven lines allowed me to picture almost a whole relationship, and that was very well done.

Hello. I'm Nixie! Hopefully, I can be of some help.

I think that most of the points was covered by the first reviewer, but I'll see if I can say something more about them.

Love. The one liner isn't a very good way to begin a poem, especially if you end it abruptly with a period. It takes away the momentum of the reader from the very start. Perhaps if you really want to keep the one word change your punctuation mark to a comma or semi-colon. You want to draw the reader in with your first line, and with the profusion of love poetry available, 'Love.' doesn't quite do it.
The way everything was that night
so perfectly was it all set up. Perhaps instead of saying that it was all set up, you can compare it to something that is perfectly set up, like the rows of bowling pins, or a one-act play. It's really your choice of the simile. It'll really make your poem more vivid and you can explore the simile further along in the poem.
But you no longer think of the way the rose was in my hair,
Is that really why you noticed? He noticed you because you had a rose in your hair? I think noticed is a really weak word in poetry. It doesn't really paint a picture. You could talk about his gaze, how his eyes fell upon you to really paint a picture rather than talk about 'noticing' you.
You said you loved me.
But all I am to you is nothing. It's a weak ending. I agree with the reviewer above. It fails to give a lasting impression on the reader. Maybe you can compare your relationship to something that broke, or his words of love to something that denotes their emptiness.

I think this poem does have potential to be better. Anyway, I hope to read more from you and you can talk to me for any questions.

--Nixie

PurpleEurope wrote:But you no longer think of the way the rose was in my hair,

This line is the reason that I think this poem has potential. It is really fantastic. But quite honestly, I think you should scrap everything else. Keep the same idea, because I like what you are trying to do. But I just don't think these words do it. I know that sounds a tad harsh, and I'm sorry. But it is only seven lines of poetry and I feel like you could do so much better. Right now, as a previous reviewer said, you are only grazing across the top when you could be hitting a nerve. When you sit down to write this poem think small and deep and just search, really search, for the words and phrases that will describe what you are trying to say.

PurpleEurope wrote:The way everything was that night

I think the idea of containing this in one night is a good one; just try to imagine that night in your mind, the night these two people maybe first fell for each other, and magnify all of its smallest details; the one that capture the feelings both of them had, or thought they had.
I wish you the greatest luck and if you do rewrite this, be sure to repost and I'll have a look at it again. Don't be discouraged; we've all had our moments where the first draft needs to be broken down to its foundations and rebuilt.