Aurora

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Where am I? It is too dark here, am I in my bed, I lost sense of directions, where is the light button? And why it is that dark here and…and… what is this silence, am I in a hole or what. Ooh my God, let me see, here are some pillows, I am in a bed, yea in a bed, yea in a bed and…alone umm interesting.

It is strange that I don’t remember where I am sleeping or what I did before sleeping. I think Yeaaa I was speaking on phone, yes now I remember it was that call in which my boss told me that I have to replace him in a meeting and I told him that I was not prepared. He always put me in embarrassing situations, I really hate that.

No, no this call didn’t happened before I sleep, it can’t be, I already attended this meeting from more than a week now, it even went good.

This silence kills me, why I can’t hear anything and why it is that dark. Oh yeah, I remember now, I was with this nice girl who was explaining me the reasons why we can’t be together, she broke my heart, like my aunt breaks her ground of Poitou, Broyé du Poitou, by a punch in the center. I don’t understand what she means but she doesn’t want herself and me to walk the same path.

I talked to her several time after that, it’s hard for me to understand or let us say to accept. Ok now I realize that it had been four month now that I am trying to get over it, one thing is sure that it wasn’t before I sleep.

Why it is dark here, am I home or maybe I am at my grandma home, she likes to sleep in this complete darkness maybe she thought to holster death, but this darkness is different. Maybe I am in a plane and I covered my eyes to prevent light reaching my eyes. Yea I am in a plane, it explains why I have this feeling of disorientation, but it is too quite for a plane. Maybe I am still sleeping and I am just dreaming. I feel like being in a grave, what an idea, maybe I died, huh… what a strange idea but what if it is true. OMG I belong to another world now. I will not be able to see my friends and family again. I will not even have the chance to get over my love. This is not fair, there is a lot of stuff that I still want to do and places that I want to visit and girls that I want to love. I even wanted to be more spiritual and dedicate some time for my soul to get it purified. All of this is over and my soul left my body without even a proper goodbye.

And who am I now the soul or the body. I think the soul, so why I am not flying, why I am stuck to this mattress.

No no it can’t be, I am still alive, I am sure of that. I am able to move my arm, to feel my hand on my face, to hear my heart beating. Yea I didn’t notice before, my heart is beating, as it always did.

What is this, I am hearing a blackbird singing. Yea it is his lovely voice, it is the dawn of a new day, aurora. He is singing for the first beam of daylight. I just woke-up during dawn time in my bed in my room, it was only the darkness and calm of the dawn. These clear moments were the morning start to breath. It is a dawn for my soul. I am still enjoying the bless of being alive, I have time to play, love, work, realize my dreams, travel, talk to my friends, spend time with my family and pray God and thank him.

I AM ALIVE. I will not go to work today, I have a lot to enjoy J)) life is a bless, I am so happy. But first…I will sleep for two more hours, I just need that.

While sleeping I heard myself singing;
Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see all your life,
You were only waiting for this moment to be free,
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly,
Into the light of the dark black night.

CHK
Charif Khedr




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Hi there, CharifKhedr. First off, I wanna welcome you to YWS! Remember that if you have any questions you can always ask me.

Okay, let's get to reviewing... ^_^

Your story is quite interesting. I like the mystery. It was fun to read, no doubt. One thing I would recommend you to do is to read your piece again and locate the sentences that are supposed to be questions, 'cause I spotted a few. :)

Another thing is that you make huge sentences and add a lot of commas where it can be easily separated for the reader to not get confused. And remember "yea" should be written with an 'h' at the end.

CharifKhedr wrote:Oh yeah, I remember now, I was with this nice girl who was explaining me the reasons why we can’t be together, she broke my heart, like my aunt breaks her ground of Poitou, Broyé du Poitou, by a punch in the center.

Hahaha. Nice metaphor. xD

CharifKhedr wrote:Why it is dark here, am I home or maybe I am at my grandma home, she likes to sleep in this complete darkness maybe she thought to holster death, but this darkness is different.

Why #FF0000 ">is it dark here#FF0000 ">? Am I home#FF0000 ">? Or maybe I am at my grandma#FF0000 ">'s home.

CharifKhedr wrote:#FF0000 ">OMG I belong to another world now.

I would... highly recommend not to use chatspeak in a topic. >.< Wahaha! xD

CharifKhedr wrote: I will not even have the chance to get over my love.

Epic. This was fun! xD

That's all! Keep writing! You did a great job! ^_^
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."




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Very good story. It has a nice flwo and pace to it. However, I wasn't so fond of the spacing at the end of the story- it seemed a bit too fast paced. However it is a very good start. Keep up the good work.




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Hi!

I think that this is a rather interesting piece.

The narrator's voice ring through very clearly. Although it sounded a tad too casual for me. Usually not all the thoughts of the character gets put down on paper, because for most of the time, they're irrelevant and boring. Not that your character's voice is like that, but it did sound a bit... chatty for me. There's a whole lot of slang and you there's some repeated parts. Like here:
I am in a bed, yea in a bed, yea in a bed and…alone umm interesting.

You've told us you're in a bed. I don't think that we need to be told three times. The character can wonder about why they're in a bed. But not tell us that they're in a bed three times, because, it's rather unecessary.

Also, as Solvalery have said:
OMG I belong to another world now.

Chatspeak don't really belong in prose unless you're showing us a text message from a phone or something. But since this isn't the case, I would recommend replacing it with 'Oh my God' or something along the lines of that. Chatspeak just doesn't really fit in with prose and all that.

Overall, I think this is an interesting piece. The character's voice did ring out clearly, which was good, but I don't think that it would hurt if you fix up the character's voice a bit, make it more directed, clear and concise. Keep writing! :)




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Hiii,
Thank you for your valuable review and feedback, for sure will use it to improve, thx again :)
Also, I have a question, some of the stories are rated, how to rate my story? is this an option that I enable, so others can rate the story?
Charif Khedr



You are going to love some of your characters because they are you, or some facet of you, and you are going to hate some characters for the same reason.
— Anne Lamott