The Hanging Garden

The animal runs across me;
I'm so tired but I can only fall
The black is dripping down
In the hanging garden please don't speak
Blood in my ears and eyes like ice- don't move

Why do I move?
Why do I pretend?
You're made of everyone else
I see you in my room; I think of your friend
The ordinary chokes me, but no one cares

Empty men

You're so useless choking under covers
Stifle the life of the dead men happy
with the empty men
In a small room lash my face with glass
Era away from the animals;
steer no closer

Cuts through my fingers like a ribbon
Like an animal swelling in sickness
This shallow child, frustation and hatred
Cutting my hair- like cutting life with clean hands

Touching me eternally

A brother lies in shapes of angels
Steering away from my face- series
Pictures of madmen curl through my head;
A sudden waste of time
Everything jumps once and I fall Into your arms

Covered like a dead man choking
Praying like an empty man
Swaying out of time to be real again
I think I should finish soon I think I should end

Magic and dreams and the end of the world
Choking on those covers that puzzle the wholesome
Happy the empty men sit in a small room
Covers my eyes and the animals sing

Please don't speak in the hanging garden
Rituals, promises, the strokes of your hair
Every night in the hanging garden
Turn to run but you don't know where

The animals trip in the hanging garden
Finding their hearts torn up by the real world
The animals trip at the side of the road
The animals trip more than you'll ever know

This is a very interesting piece. I like near the end with the repetition of the, "Hanging Garden" and how everything is sown up at the end. Great job keep writing:D

Okay this is my third attempt at writing a review so forgive me if this is super brief but my computer is maddening. But what I'm trying to say is you wrote a great poem, it had a lot of energy in its imagery.
The only thing I would say is-- if this poem is not going to make a lot of sense, then you are just playing with the language. So embrace the idea of playing-- really twist the language into something fresh and new. And make sure that it keeps a sort of inner rhythm.
I don't want to tell you how to change your poem, so I'll just outline the bits that I think needed some work.

567ajt wrote:Blood in my ears and eyes like ice- don't move

I don't think it's the best transition from one stanza to the next.

567ajt wrote:I see you in my room; I think of your friend

567ajt wrote:Steering away from my face- series

Besides those, I would say intersperse more one-liners in between your stanzas.
The last two stanzas were divine. Great job and keep writing,
Meagan

I quite liked this piece - it was thematic and emotional, whilst the whole time keeping a good rhythm. No nitpicks to be honest, just in general it read like a song for me. I was listening to Pumped Up Kicks at the time, so maybe that's why, but I liked the eerie thoughts you entangled along with the self-destructive and despairing imagery. It worked really well for me.