I Found It

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(This is for the BIG random story contest. My random theme was: A judge in a doctor's office looking for a coconut. So...well here it is. Isn't the easiest thing to write about, but I think I made it work :))

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“Where the hell is it?”

The old man slammed his hands on the table, face twisted with anger. His eyes were a furious storm as they jumped from one object in the doctor’s office to another. They settled, finally, on the two people standing in a corner far out of the man’s reach.

“What exactly is he talking about, Doctor?” whispered the young nurse.

Dr. Stevens shrugged, attention on the man. “That’s what I’m trying to find out…”

The judge stopped his tantrum for a second to watch the approaching doctor with a suspicious eye. Tense and ready for a fight, the old man held up his fists. Seeing this, the doctor raised his own, open with palms out, showing the judge he was harmless.

With a clearing of his throat, the doctor spoke. “Hello, Judge Rimini. How are you doing today?”

A grumble of words followed from Rimini.

“I’m sorry, sir. But would you mind saying that again, I really didn’t-“

“Where did you put it?” Rimini leaped away from table and into the doctor, hands wound in his coat, shoving him against a wall behind them. His screams were filled with longing desire and Dr. Stevens had to fight to keep calm. The nurse moved forward but the doctor warded her off.

“Rimini, what do you think we have?”

Rimini’s head flew back and he laughed bitterly. His normally neat hair was in every direction, a giveaway that he had been ripping through it with his hands, hands that were shaking uncontrollably now. The rage he carried had turned his face red and dilated his eyes.

“It’s mine, damn it!” The man let go of the doctor and began to run around the room yelling. “Where did they put it? Give it back to me!”

Quietly, the doctor moved to the opposite corner of the room where the nurse was still standing watching Rimini with a horrid look.

“He’s completely insane,” she gasped.

“So,” the doctor murmured, ignoring her observation. “Have the reports come in yet?”

“In fact, they have.” The nurse shuffled a few papers around and handed them to Dr. Stevens.

The doctor read through the first page, looking for some sort of clue to what was going on with Judge Rimini. “Okay. This episode started after his trial yesterday…” The doctor continued on. “It seems as if one of the defendants-“

Dr. Stevens stopped and squinted at the words trying to figure out if what he read the first time was true. He shook his
head and looked over at the man. Rimini was still screaming, but he had added a new act to his fit. He’d pick up something, examine it, and then throw it.

The nurse snapped her fingers, and the doctor turned his attention back to her. “Oh right. Well it seems as if one of the defendants threw something at Judge Rimini. He was knocked out for awhile and when he awoke, he was like this.”

“Do they know what was thrown?”

A smash had them both spinning; Rimini had begun to rip out the drawers. The one on the floor held the doctor’s surgical
tools and syringes. His eyes went wide as Rimini picked up a surgical knife, and began to examine it. Dr. Stevens pulled both the nurse and himself down just as the knife was sent flying across the room.

“I CAN’T FIND IT!”

Quickly, the doctor pressed a red button on the wall. “Emergency in room 47, send someone down! Stat!” The doctor began to take his finger off the button, but thought otherwise. He pressed it back down. “And bring a coconut!”

The nurse gave up her watch on the crazed judge for a second and turned to look at the doctor. “A…coconut?”

Before he could reply, two staff members barged in. They tackled the man and after a brief struggle, had him pinned. One of them stepped out of the room for a second and when he appeared again, he was holding a brown object. Little hairs stuck off of the rough, dry surface of the fruit.

“He has it! Give me, give me, give me!” Rimini struggled to dive forward after the coconut. His face was filled with ferocious need, red and sweaty, eyes going every which way.

“Give him the damn thing already!”

The hold on his arms was released and the coconut was brought forward. The man snatched it up and rubbed it against his face, all need and mad desire gone. Peace was the only thing coming from the judge, his emotions at once settled.

Everyone looked from Rimini to the doctor.

Finally, the nurse broke the silence. “How did you know to give him a coconut?”

The doctor continued to look at the judge. “I didn’t. I guessed.”

“What was he hit in the head with again?”

“A coconut,” replied the doctor.

Rimini looked up at everyone just then, his clear eyes settling on the doctor. He smiled, nicely this time, causing his facial features to brighten. He spoke, now sounding like a small child. “I found it. I found my coconut…”
Last edited by Bhayden71297 on Wed Jun 29, 2011 3:07 am, edited 9 times in total.
"None but ourselves can free our minds." ~Bob Marley




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Hey there, Brie!
This is certainly random. ;) I liked it. Your characterization of the calm doctor, the worried nurse, and the crazy man fit together very nicely. :D I have a few nitpicks and phrases I particularly liked to point out, though.

face twisted with anger

Nice. :)

His eyes burned with need

I'm not sure "need" is the right word here. I understood your meaning, but it interrupted my reading flow a bit for some reason. :? We already no that he really wants this...er...coconut ;) , so maybe he's panicked, paranoid, etc. It's entirely up to you, though. :D

out of reach of the man.

Although it's not incorrect, I personally am not a big fan of having two prepositional phrases in a row that start with the same preposition. How would you feel about saying "out of the man's reach?"

“What exactly is he talking about, Doctor,”

The second comma should be a question mark.
The old man stopped his tantrum for a second to watch the doctor nearing him with a suspicious eye.

This sentence sort of made me stumble. I think it's the placement of "nearing." What do you think of "...for a second to watch the nearing doctor with a suspicious eye," or "Stopping his tantrum for a second, the old man watched the approaching/nearing doctor with a suspicious eye." Fiddle around with it some and see what's the most comfortable for you.

“Hello, Judge Rimini. How are you doing today?” A grumble of words followed from the old man. “I’m sorry, Sir. But would you mind saying that again, I really didn’t-“

I would probably separate these. Keep the first sentence where it is, put the second sentence on its own line, and do the same for the third. It's a little easier to read, or that could just be me. :P
Rimini’s head flew back and he laughed bitterly.

You need a comma before "and."

His normally neat hair was in every direction, a giveaway that he had been ripping through it with his hands.

I loved this image. :D

The nurse shuffled a few papers around in her hands and handed them to Dr. Stevens.

"...in her hands" is implied, so you don't really need it. But if you like it, go ahead and keep it. :)


He was out of control.

I would take this sentence out.

“And bring a coconut!"

This really made me laugh. :D

Quickly, the doctor pressed a red button on the wall.

Why didn't he do this after the man pinned him against the wall? That's one brave doctor. :D
His face was filled with ferocious need.

Hmm....what exactly does that look like? Describe his face. Is it red? Maybe even purple? You could really have fun with that. :)
“I found it. I found my coconut…”

Buahahaha! I love crazy people! :D

Overall, I thought you had a very cute story here. :D Your grammar was really good, and I appreciate that a lot!!
I'd maybe like to see some more description. Show us what's happening. Don't tell us. Try to fit in some similes and other figurative language. It can really bring a lot to your writing. I'm curious as to what sort of doctor this guy is, but I suppose it's not really important to the story.
Try reading it out loud to yourself to make sure everything flows well. If you stumble over a sentence or have to read it twice, look at it closely and figure out if you need to change it. If you want, it's fun to act it out as well. :D
Good luck and happy writing! I really enjoyed this piece. :D
-Sea-
'Let's eat Grandma!' or, 'Let's eat, Grandma!' Punctuation saves lives.

Reviews? You know you want one. :)

*Ribbit*




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Thanks for you review! I'm glad you found it funny and well written. :)
I'll try to stick some description in there. I realized, too, that it there was more "tell" than "show."

Some of the things you pointed out really helped me too. I see what you mean with most of them..

Again, thanks a bunch!
-Brie
"None but ourselves can free our minds." ~Bob Marley




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Hahaha, I LOVED IT. So funny, and to say the least exceptionally random. I couldn't find much errors worth pointing out, though you have pressed enter at one occasion where I don't think you meant to since it's in the middle of a sentence;

"A smash had them both spinning; Rimini had begun to rip out the drawers. The one on the floor held the doctor’s surgical

tools and syringes. His eyes went wide as Rimini picked up a surgical knife, and began to examine it. Dr. Stevens pulled both the nurse and himself down just as the knife was sent flying across the room."

Otherwise, this was an odd but awesome little story and I really dig the crazy judge... though I'd like to know why he wanted the coconut that kicked him unconcious so badly.. I'd want to crush that coconut if I got it in my hands... not be like.. crazy in love with it. ;)

Anyhow - Lovely piece and good luck in the contest!

// Demoness
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost



It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.
— Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian