No More Judging

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We touch the lives of whoever we meet.
It’s like we feel each other’s heat.
Most of us train ourselves to be perfect,
But let’s face it is it really worth it?
Day in, day out,
We push ourselves,
Past the point of breaking.

Then we finally reach a point,
Where all they’re doing is taking.
Taking our dreams,
And taking our hopes.
Then we’re suddenly tangled,
In life’s endless failure ropes.

We’re expected to see,
And act according to the grown up pact.
Of always being in control,
And knowing where we plan to goal.
But just once I want to be a careless soul,
Who doesn’t care about some goal.

I want to see the world from new eyes,
And know nothing about lies.
I want to be safe and sound,
Unknowing of the creeps who sneak around.
I want to breathe fresh air,
Step on ground that has no wear and tear.

To not worry about what others think of me.
Whether I’m hot or cool,
Or if I got enough A’s in school.
My Facebook status or my GPA.
I don’t want to care if I eat pizza for lunch today.
Shoe sizes, pant sizes, I could go on and on.

Why should we care if we look weird or wrong?
We’re judged by our appearances,
Our families that we’ve been with,
The school’s that we go to,
The places we’ve been,
If we can play a sport or throw a javelin.

Let’s take a stand,
And take one day, where we’re able to play.
No matter your age or what you look like,
You’re allowed to relax and let go of your worries,
Let go of the pressure,
Take a deep breath and feel fresher.

Know that life will go on,
Even if you give up
Know that everyone has their days where they slip up.
Smell the roses, as people say.
Cause one day,
That will all just go away.

Spoiler
My first slam poetry, I know it maybe rough but please tell me what you think? Thanks for reading! *Comment, review, like :)
Last edited by snickerdooly on Mon Jul 04, 2011 5:59 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"Characters cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." Helen Keller




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The social message is one we could all appreciate, however, I personally didn't think you were sticking with the more material and important parts of it.
the writing was well, even though I think that some of the rhymes aren't working, and that some lines were a bit off the weight.
aside from that, I think your poem was well phrased, written and driven(by driven, I mean that I agree with your saying.).
May you always fight for your goals, no matter how.
'I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.' -Stephen G. Tallentyre

"Great minds think alike- idiots are unpredictable"

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hello there :)

you had a lot of great parts in here and this one has to be my favorite:
I want to breathe fresh air,
Step on ground that has no wear and tear.

To not worry about what others think of me.
Whether I’m hot or cool,
Or if I got enough A’s in school.
My Facebook status or my GPA.
I don’t want to care if I eat pizza for lunch today.
Shoe sizes, pant sizes, I could go on and on.

this definately describes as well as puts the idea out there about what people want, but are afraid to do.

I think maybe you could have put something in there about maybe the different labels, because to me that's what i thought the title kind of told, either way you had a great message. And the rhyme scheme wasn't too messed up, or "off". :)
you really did make a great piece here, and i don't think you need to change it.

Good lucK!

--Ash
And just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she turned into a beautiful butterfly.




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The message of it was amazing. I love things like that - that show those kinds of messages where it just leaves you in awe and you're just like, "Wow. AMEN."

But, I must say, I don't think you kept with the subject you started out with. You're talking about touching the lives of people who you meet, but then you go on to talk about judging people and letting go of your personal worries. Sure, they're both pretty awesome, but they don't really go together and it doesn't seem like you finished making your point across.

One more thing: the form of it was a bit awkward. Like, one place you'd have a rhyme scheme going on, and then the next it wouldn't even rhyme. It'd mess up the rhythm of your poem, too. When you make a poem, try to keep a good rhythm and pace. You don't want it to sound awkward, or else it'd just be a story with a broken up sentences. :3

All in all, it was really good.




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This was really great! Made me think about this world we live in and what we do on a dayly basis. Made me think about all the judgement we do just by looking at someone. This, what you have written on paper, is what everyone needs to hear. The world needs to hear this and hear your voice and learn from it. I have learned a bit just by reading it, and I know that if you keep writing you will be heard not only by this website, but by the world!! Keep writing!
in a world full of copycats be an original




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Hello, I'm Jojo, and I shall be your reviewer for today!
Grammar is in red.
Others are in blue.
--
Really nice!
Just a few thoughts...

Then, we finally reach a point
where all they’re doing is taking.
Taking our dreams,
and taking our hopes.
Then We’re suddenly tangled,
in life’s endless failure ropes.


MESSAGE

This seems to be a nice poem, but it sounds more of a poem about oppression, than judging.
Judging, to me, is negatively profiling and condemning someone for who they choose to be or already are. This just seems like a poem about someone/something hindering progression of an individual and just being negative about everything or bullying.
Not really judgmental...more like to high of expectations. Teen pressure or something. Taking life too seriously.
We’re expected to see,
And
act according to the grown-up pact.

Of always being in control,
And knowing where we plan to go.( goal isn't a verb lol)


But maybe it's just me...

Also, you start out rhyming, but then you just lose it. When you rhyme, it's best that you keep it consistent so that everything flows decently and has rhythm.It's just one or the other. Maybe you should forget about the rhyme it this poem and focus more on keeping the message a little more clear and consistent.

ACTUAL POEM


This is actually a pretty good poem, but the execution is a little confusing at times. The punctuation is a little off, and you capitalize the beginning of every line- which really isn't necessary.

Let’s take a stand,
And take? for one day, where we’re able to play.
No matter your age or what you look like appearance,
You’re allowed to relax and let go of your worries,
let go of the pressure,
Take a deep breath and feel fresher.(period) * "feel fresher" is a little out of place in this poem. Your attempt to re-incorporate rhyme is this poem makes the ending look choppy. Maybe we should just forget about the rhyme, it prevent confusion.


I'm sure that you could do this nearly every stanza in this poem. Not for anything other than the fact that you just seem to be repeating a lot of stuff that you have already said before, and use a bunch of words to mean something instead of using one, simple word. This adds unneeded clutter to the entire poem, and makes your message hard to uncover.
It's because ( I think) you keep on trying to find a way to rhyme, but it doesn't add anything when the rhyme isn't long, and the word mix up in the process.

Overall: you have a beautiful idea, here. I think you just got mixed up in the overall message, because nothing about this poem really strikes me as judgmental, and there are a lot of separate messages, here. The execution is the weak point of the poem, as some of the lines are mixed up a little, and the rhymes go on and off, so I sort of got lost in it all.

I suggest that you:
1.) drop the rhyme- and focus more on making the message clear
2.) find simpler and clearer ways to say things in this poem. The strong point of this poem is the message, and if you make it clear, this really could be a magnificent piece of work!

Other than that, fantastic job!
Keep Writing!
--------------------------
-Jojo
Solvalery/GeeLyria Fans
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This is really good!! We all could learn something about this! Keep writing :P
I'm not inclined to resign to maturity.
If it's alright, then you're all wrong.
But why bounce around to the same damn song?
I know, you know, that I'm not telling the truth.
I know, you know, they just don't have any proof.
Your worst inhibition's gonna psych you out in the end.




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I read it. First off, I'm not a poet. But if I had this piece as my own, I'd be very proud!

However, I somewhat disagree with your message. While people definitely shouldn't judge, I still find great satisfaction in arguing with those who do, which makes me want them to stick around :P




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That is so true!
There once was a women named Kent,
Whose nose was rather quite bent.
One day I suppose,
She followed her nose,
And nobody knows where she went.
-Unknown




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That is so true!
I absolutely LOVED your poem. I know how you feel when it comes to judging people. I get judged a lot myself, and truth be told I am sick of it! The best part about it is that you put yourself in the poem. You told everyone that you know what you're talking about because it happens to you. Not very many authors-that I know about- are very willing to do that. I am not very willing to do it myself. But, the way you did it, it shows that (A) you not afraid of people knowing that you don't like being criticized by others. And (B) you want people to stop judging not only you, but everyone around you. Which, to me, is awesome! So, overall it was amazing!




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Wow! Amazing job, I was fixated on every word!!
Here are the thoughts that ran through my head as I read every talent dripping line %uF04A

Past the point of breaking.

Then we finally reach a point,
Where all they%u2019re doing is taking.
Taking our dreams,
And taking our hopes.
LOVE LOVE LOVE--I mean the way you connected breaking to the amazing metaphores you of lifes taking-loved it!

In life%u2019s endless failure ropes.
I would say--"In life's endless failure of ropes" but that's just me.

And act according to the grown up pact.
If I was you, I would add an s at the end of up
"And act according to the grown ups pact"

But just once I want to be a careless soul,
Who doesn%u2019t care about some goal.
I might say, rather than have goal twice, try maybe--
"But just once I want to be a careless soul, Who doesn't care about her control" (or his depending on the speaker)

Cause one day,
That will all just go away.
Just for the record, I really like how you ended on a slightly negative note.

Great job!
~SnowBerry
When nothing goes right, go left



That there's some good in this world, Mr Frodo - and it's worth fighting for.
— Samwise Gamgee