Chapter one The new kid Artemisia It is any regular day for me at Westday High School. I am going to first period as usual when I see this crowd of girls. I see my best friends Camila, the twins- Rosa and Selena, and finally Stella. I walk towards them and ask, “What the heck is going on?” “The new kid…” starts Camilla. “… is so…” says Rosa. “… unbelievably…” says Selena. “… hot!” finishes Stella. “Really?” I ask. “Yes!” replies Stella. The bell rings loudly. The crowd parts quickly which gives me a chance to see the new kid. He seems more mature than the other guys here. His black shaggy hair seems to be damp and his clear blue eyes were melting with kindness. He walks up to me and my friends gasp. “Hey, I’m Poseidon.” “Uh… like the god of the sea, right?” I say stupidly. God, I want to hit myself, but he just laughs. “Ya like the god.” Then our principle, Mr. Calmines walks around the corner and booms, “Get to class kids!” We say bye to each other and leave. Before I could leave he asks, “Do you know where med terminology is? It’s my first period.” “Sure it’s my first period too.” When we get to med terminology, I open the door but it was locked so I knock on the slim window but there was no answer. I look inside the window and saw the class is empty. “Where’s everyone?” Poseidon asks. “I have no idea.” I search for a note or something. “That’s strange.” I mumble. Then Mr.Calmine came to us. “No loitering in the halls! Go to class!” “We are at class but the class isn’t here.” Poseidon says calmly. “Of course the class isn’t here. They went to the museum. You missed the bus!” Mr.Calmine laughs Where do we go then?” I ask “To Mrs. D.” “Okay.” Poseidon says and he takes my arm and steers me away. “Room D207!” He boomed after us. As we walked to D207 he suddenly stopped me in hall. “Are you sure this is the right way?” He asks uncertainly. “Ya, why?” “Just asking.” After about three minutes we finally got to Mrs. D. “Told you!” I said teasingly and lightly punched him in the arm. He smiles as to say ‘Whatever.’ He knocks on the slim window and a plump short woman who introduces herself as Mrs. D. “Come in, come in. Go find an empty seat and read a book or whatever.” Mrs. D says. “Artemisia!” someone whispers to my right. I turn to look at who said my name and see my friends Rosa and Selena. They point to the empty seat next to them. Only one seat, yet there is Poseidon too. I look at him and he murmurs, “Go ahead, I’ll sit somewhere else.” “Thanks!” I say too loudly and Mrs. D shushes me. I walk to the seat and sit on the hard wooden structure. “You have to tell us everything that happened with Poseidon!” Selena quietly says. I tell them everything up to when Poseidon and I were walking down the hall when Mrs. D threatens to suspend us for talking, that we surrender to passing notes. By the time I finished answering all their questions- they ask like one every minute! - the bell rang for second period, and we all say our goodbyes and leave. In the hall Poseidon grabs my arm and says, “Is it really you?”
Chapter two Aphrodite? Camila
I leave Mrs. D’s room to go to dance, the only other alternate for P.E. Sports are just not my thing. As I dress out into blue zebra stretchy shorts and a pink zebra top I look into the mirror and tie my thin brown hair into a ponytail. My sharp features glow in the lights and my high cheekbones faintly glisten with small sparkles. I look beautiful… not to brag. I walk to the dance room and sit on the floor and wait for class to begin. Five minutes later Mrs. Lidia (she insists that we call her by her first name) walks in with a group of boys which included Poseidon, the new cute guy. Even though he is no doubt cute, he’s not my type. He recognizes me and waves to me. I wave back. All the girls suddenly crowded around me and one asks, “You know the new kid?!” “Poseidon? Sure, just met him this morning.” I reply calmly even though I’m excited. Not many girls like me because a lot of the guys like me and they envy me. It felt good to be in the spotlight for once. “Is he nice?” another one asks. “I guess, haven’t really got to talk to him.” I say. “I dare you to go talk to him.” A girl in the back says. There is a chorus of agreement. “Okay, why not.” I turn around and see him surrounded by guys, probably asking questions about me. I get up, smile, wink and walk towards him. All the guys mumble nervously. “Hey Poseidon.” “Hey Camila. Our teacher was absent.” Poseidon says. I laugh “You miss the bus for first period, and then your second period teacher is absent. What’s next?” I say teasing him. “I have no idea.” He laughs with me. “Hey, Camila, I like your outfit. It looks good on you.” A guy says who I think is called Steven. I look at him and smile with no kindness and say, “Thank you, Steven.” “It’s Stephen.” He mumbles. All the guys laugh and Poseidon says, “You are just like her.” I stop laughing and look at him. “Like who?” I ask “Uh… no one.” He recovers quickly. “Okay… I guess. You alright?” “Ya, of course.” “Class, we are going to practice our dance.” Mrs. Lidia tells us. “Be right back boys!” I wave and bounce away knowing that they are staring. The girls that dared me to talk to Poseidon look at me wide eyed. The music starts and we scurry to position. Throughout the dance I know Poseidon and the other boys are staring at me. But he wasn’t staring at me through obsession- the other guys were- he was staring at me through curiosity. When we finish the dance all the boys clap and us girls bow. Some even whistle. “Perfect girls! Just perfect! Not one mistake!” Mrs. Lidia praises us, “But I would like to change the formation. Samantha switches places with Lila. Now… hmm… Oh I know! Camila switch places with Mira.” I stare at Mira’s spot with surprise. Mira is the best dancer and always gets the front center. I am always right next to her. “But… but… I am always in the front!” Mira exclaimed. “Too bad, change spots with Camila.” As we switch places the boys cheer and whistle. By the end of period I am ecstatic. I gave the dance my all and I felt great. After class I walked to third period, science. Yay! Not. I got in and saw Stella. We sat at our regular table, in the middle of the class, the cleanest table. Our teacher was passing the tests out when there was a knock on the door. He opens the door and Poseidon comes in looking for somewhere to sit. He looks at us and cocks his head as to say ‘can I sit there?’ I nod and he sits next to me. “You were great in dance,” he says quietly after the teacher passed our table, “you deserve that spot.” “Thanks.” I whispered. I finished the test last as usual and turned it in with twenty minutes to spare. I sit back down and read my book- Greek Mythology All to know about Greek Mythology! “Nice book.” I hear Poseidon say on my right. I look at him and smile. He takes my book flips a few pages until the part about Aphrodite. “What…?” I say, clearly confused. “You’ll see.” He says mysteriously.
I'm really confused after reading this. Is the character Poseidon related to god in any other way than the name? I looked like you were trying to make him the real thing, but you just skip right over that. It is a ton of dialogue, almost too much. You really hardly tell us what it going on. Try using better description. The narrator also seems like a flat character, she really does not have a personality as she tells us the story. It just seems strange. I do want to see how this works out though, because while I am confused, I want to know what really is happening.
Hi ilovetowrite! I'm glad to see you have posted! I liked this, but like all writing it can be improved! : )
O.K. so, I think the biggest problem with this is that you are rushing! You just go, go, go! Slow it down a bit. Usually when reviewing stuff on YWS I tell people to give less details. This is because they give random facts. But you aren't even giving important ones. I want to know your characters more. I didn't really feel any big emotions in this. She must be feeling something. Because I don't feel emotion all your characters seem bland. I want to know what they are thinking and feeling. Not just your two main characters either. Is one of her friends jealous that the new hot boy is talking to her? Well if so then make a tag saying that friend gave your main character a look letting her know what she was feeling. <-- That sentence was confusing, but do you get what I mean?
Ironically though I have a problem with the main 'big' details you are giving. You are being very obvious about the whole Greek god thing. It is a bit too obvious. I already have a few guesses for the whole play out of the plot. Make it more mysterious. Make us want more. Because, yes, giving one or two well placed hints will do that, but giving us too much information early on will take all the fun about solving the mystery! Definitely don't say thing are mysterious like you did in the last sentence.
Besides for that I just have a few questions (some I will just ask, some I will give more details to.):
1. About the classes: Why do they have med terminology first period, it should be home room? It is a bit much that they have all the same classes together, right?
3. O.K. if all the girls are jealous that all the guys like your main character why are they daring her to go talk to the new boy. Wouldn't they be discouraging her so they at least have a chance? Because I don't think a lot of people would have liked the god Aphrodite.
Well, I don't have time for more now, but if you have any questions or want another review just P.M. me.
