Dear

Spoiler

]This is just another one of my hopeless crap poems about..... well that's for me to know, and you to guess about RIP IT APART!!!!!!!

Can you believe,
how we deceived?
How no one saw through,
to the real me and you?
(except each other, dear.)


Does no one care?
While they all stare,
we're unwanted, hated,
and we’re all getting jaded.
(or at least I am, dear.)


Why do we need this?
why this, our only wish.
To hold, to love, and kiss,
with no one to miss.
(no more friends, dear.)

What is it that we need?
The warnings we did not heed?
Can’t you see?
It’s not meant to be.
(no matter what we tell ourselves, dear.)


So tonight could be our last,
we could put this in the past,
although we won’t, I know,
but this secrete no we can‘t show.
(For your safety dear.)

Hey!! I really liked this, strangely. I guess the mood I'm getting is being in a relationship you know you're not supposed to be in...and everyone looks at you like you're stupid and immature, while only you feel what is really going on. Am I right?
Anyways...let's review.

Can you believe,
how we deceived?
How no one saw through,
to the real me and you?
(except each other dear.)

The only change I would make to this stanza is putting a comma after 'each other'. Other than that, it's great.

#FF0000 ">Does no one care?
While they all stare,
#FF0000 ">we're unwanted, hated,
and we’re all getting jaded.
(or at least I am, dear.)

I made some changes here to help the flow a bit.

Why do we need this?
why this, our only wish.
To hold, #FF0000 ">to love, and kiss,
with no one #FF0000 ">for us to miss.
(no more friends#FF0000 ">, dear.)

Again, working with the flow of the poem. You seem to be missing out on a couple of commas in place...I would go back and review that.

What is it that we need?
The warnings we did not heed?
Can’t you see?
it’s not meant to be.
(no matter what we tell ourselves dear.)

I love this stanza...the only changes I would make would be to capitalize 'it's" and add a comma after 'ourselves'.

So tonight could be our last,
we could put this in the past,
although we won’t, I know,
but this secret#FF0000 ">e #FF0000 ">we can‘t show.
(For your safety#FF0000 ">, dear.)

Alright...I get a bit confused here. I'm not sure where you're going...try to make it more clear.

Anyways, I really like this poem. You did a really good job, and I adore the afterthoughts in parenthesis. Awesome!

i liked it alot. it sounded a lot like lyrics to a song! it would be awesome it was. 2 thumbs up

I agree with PeaceAloha10! This would make a great song! I really liked it though it was a bit sad, kind of. I mean, I get it and the point to it, but still... I don't know, it somehoe seemed almost lighthearted and full of regret at the same time. (I know, that dosen't make sense, sorry.)

The only thing that stuck out as far as mistakes go was that you mispelled the word "Secret." on the last line, but I think someone already pointed that out. So, with my opinion stated... I bid thee farewell.

P.S. If you, or someone you know can sing, I really suggest turning into a song, or trying to. Just to see how it sounds