Hero of Treason, Chapter 1

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The Dream

Amaris crouched on a rock. Her green eyes glowed, as much a part of a panther as her stance. The hunters were coming, that much was clear. Amaris surveyed the clearing with dread. Then the only thing she ever feared appeared in a hole in the surrounding hedges. It was one of the hunters’ dogs. It barked three sharp notes, signaling its friends that it had found the quarry. Amaris had only seconds before the other dogs appeared and surrounded her. Then she would taken to the house of shame until her punishment was decided. In her mind’s eye, the girl could imagine the renouncement ceremony. Her father standing stony faced next to her weeping mother. He would have no trouble saying the words; in fact he would almost enjoy it. It had been his wish since Amaris was born to get rid of her. Her mother would sob as her father renounced the daughter he never wanted. When it came her mother’s turn she could barely say the words. Her two perfect brothers stood there just staring into space. There was nothing they could do, nothing they would do.
A low growl brought Amaris back to her situation. The dogs had her surrounded and their owners were closing in. She could see the gleeful glint in their eyes as they cornered their quarry. There was no time, nothing to save her. Then something brushed against her forehead.

* * *


Amaris’ eyes shot open. She thought of her dream, but it was too confusing and her mother was calling her to breakfast, so she pushed it aside. Next to her, Aryan and Damarius slept peacefully. They would get up later to go to school. Amaris’ thoughts became bitter. Who was the only one in the family who wanted to go to school? Her. Who was the only one who couldn’t? Go figure. When she didn’t have chores, she liked to go to the schoolhouse and listen by the window. Knowledge was her friend. Amaris got up and walked to the bowl of water by her bed. She washed her face and hands in the clay bowl. She got up and took her only set of clothes from the spot where she had left it neatly folded the night before. Her brothers’ clothes were thrown there carelessly. Sighing, Amaris folded their clothes before changing. On her way downstairs, Amaris stopped to look at herself in the mirror. Amaris was a tall and slender girl, with pale skin. Her arms were extremely thin, fingers long and tapered. Long black hair flowed down her back, tucked behind pointed ears. Her eyes, perhaps, were her most amazing features of all. They were a bright green and almond shaped, in a way that can only be described as feline. At night, sometimes they glowed with an eerie light. They missed nothing. Amaris descended slowly as her mother had taught her. When she entered the kitchen, her mother glanced up.
“Amaris, I need some meat to make dinner. Can you go hunting after breakfast?”
“Sure Mom.” Amaris quickly ate her mushy cereal. She grabbed her bow and arrows and hurried out the door. Amaris loved to hunt. She went to the back of their hut and entered the woods from there.
The scent of the earth calmed Amaris. As she walked farther into the woods, she sighed. Nothing could catch her now. Amaris frowned. Nothing except for the hunters’ dogs. Amaris’ thoughts turned to her dream as she climbed a tree to watch for animals to shoot. What did it all mean? Her father renouncing her, the hunters following her. Why? And what has the thing that had brushed her forehead? Was it her salvation? Was it simply her turning in her sleep? Amaris’ thoughts were interrupted by a slight sound from below her. She looked down and realized she had been so engrossed in her own daydreams that a deer had wandered in without her seeing it. Most unlike her. Amaris sat up silently. She pulled back the bowstring and aimed carefully. Just as Amaris was about to let fly with her arrow, all hell broke loose.
A boar charged through the undergrowth. Quick as a flash, the deer had crossed the clearing and disappeared. The boar escaped too, before Amaris could react. Frustrated, she pounded the branch. Then a panther dashed across the clearing after its prey. Amaris was irritated and worried she wouldn’t have meat for her mother. She raised her bow and, without thinking, shot the animal.




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Hey Keren,
I don't have any critiquing about this first chapter, but I am overwhelmed by curiosity about what's going to happen in this story. I liked how you started off with a dream- it really set the mood.
I thought there was a lot of vivid imagery throughout, and I am looking extremely forward to reading more of "Hero of Treason."
Best of luck :)
-Briggsy
but the sky is love and i am for you
just so long and long enough
-E.E. Cummings




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First, I'd like to congratulate you on your proper punctuation, grammar, and spelling. I love to see that, it helps me focus on the story. I hat 2 read a stry lyk dis, ya no?

Second, I love your fantastic use of imagery. I'm the type of bookworm who wants to BE the story, not just observing. With your use of imagery, I felt like I was Amaris.

Third, good plot. The first chapter is always the one you have to work the hardest on. It lures in readers and, if it's amazing from the start, snaps the trap and has them hooked. Addicted. I know that I could easily be addicted to this story; your suspense and action is amazing.

Fourth, it was the perfect length for a chapter. Short yet right-to-the-point paragraphs. My eyes didn't glaze over due to long, boring paragraphs.

All in all, I love it. And it's only the first paragraph. Well, what're you waiting for?! As a fan, I have to say: WRITE MORE. DON'T DEPRIVE ME OF ANOTHER GOOD CHAPTER! xD

-Ariel.
“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
- Lewis Carroll




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Hi, I’m Sky and I am going to be reviewing your work today.

Amaris crouched on a rock. Her green eyes glowed, as much a part of a panther as her stance. The hunters were coming, that much was clear. Amaris surveyed the clearing with dread. #FF0000 ">The only thing she ever feared appeared in a hole in the surrounding hedges. It was one of the hunters’ dogs. It barked three sharp notes, signaling #FF0000 ">to its friends that it had found the quarry. Amaris had only seconds before the other dogs appeared and surrounded her. Then she would #FF0000 ">be taken to the house of shame until her punishment was decided. In her mind’s eye, the girl could imagine the renouncement ceremony. Her father standing stony faced next to her weeping mother. He would have no trouble saying the words; in fact#FF0000 ">, he would almost enjoy it. It had been his wish since Amaris was born to get rid of her. Her mother would sob as her father renounced the daughter he never wanted. When it came #FF0000 ">time for her mother’s turn she #FF0000 ">would barely say the words. Her two perfect brothers #FF0000 ">would stand there just staring into space. There was nothing they could do, nothing they would do.

This part should be fixed. If she’s imagining it, then it can’t be happening. It has to be would’ve, not could’ve.

A low growl brought Amaris back to her situation. The dogs had her surrounded and their owners were closing in. She could see the gleeful glint in their eyes as they cornered their quarry. There was no time, nothing to save her. #FF0000 ">It was then that something brushed against her forehead.

* * *

Amaris’ eyes shot open. She thought of her dream, but it was too confusing and her mother was calling her to breakfast, so she pushed it aside. Next to her, Aryan and Damarius slept peacefully. They would get up later to go to school. Amaris’ thoughts became bitter. Who was the only one in the family who wanted to go to school? Her. Who was the only one who couldn’t? Go figure. When she didn’t have chores, she liked to go to the schoolhouse and listen by the window. Knowledge was her friend. Amaris got up and walked to the bowl of water by her bed #FF0000 ">and washed her face and hands in the clay bowl. She got up and took her only set of clothes from the spot where she had left it neatly folded the night before. Her brothers’ clothes were thrown there carelessly. Sighing, Amaris folded their clothes before changing. On her way downstairs, Amaris stopped to look at herself in the mirror. Amaris was a tall and slender girl, with pale skin. Her arms were extremely thin, fingers long and tapered. Long black hair flowed down her back, tucked behind pointed ears. Her eyes, perhaps, were her most amazing features of all. They were a bright green and almond shaped, in a way that can only be described as feline. At night, sometimes they glowed with an eerie light. They missed nothing. Amaris descended slowly as her mother had taught her. When she entered the kitchen, her mother glanced up.

Try to find another way of describing your character instead of just saying she looks like this. It stops the flow of the story a bit with the description. Maybe have the mirror not be able to show all of her because she’s so tall or she’s so thin etc.

“Amaris, I need some meat to make dinner. Can you go hunting after breakfast?”

“Sure#FF0000 ">, Mom.” Amaris quickly ate her mushy cereal. She grabbed her bow and arrows and hurried out the door. Amaris loved to hunt. She went to the back of their hut and entered the woods from there.

The scent of the earth calmed Amaris. As she walked farther into the woods, she sighed. Nothing could catch her now. Amaris frowned. Nothing except for the hunters’ dogs. Amaris’ thoughts turned to her dream as she climbed a tree to watch for animals to shoot. What did it all mean? Her father renouncing her, the hunters following her. Why? And what has the thing that had brushed her forehead? Was it her salvation? Was it simply her turning in her sleep? Amaris’ thoughts were interrupted by a slight sound from below her. She looked down and realized she had been so engrossed in her own daydreams that a deer had wandered in without her seeing it. Most unlike her. Amaris sat up silently. She pulled back the bowstring and aimed carefully. Just as Amaris was about to let fly with her arrow, all hell broke loose.

Try to find another way of describing your character instead of just saying what she is thinking. It stops the flow of the story a bit with the description. Istead of telling the reader all this, show them by having her feel the feel of the earth, add some description about how she feels free or something when she's outside.

A boar charged through the undergrowth. Quick as a flash, the deer had crossed the clearing and disappeared. The boar escaped too before Amaris could react. Frustrated, she pounded the branch. Then a panther dashed across the clearing after its prey. Amaris was irritated and worried she wouldn’t have meat for her mother. She raised her bow and, without thinking, shot the animal.



Okay this story was good. It just had a few things that I pointed out and even though it looks all marked up, I assure you it was a good read. I can’t wait to read more. Just try not to keep using the same words over and over as it gets a little boring after a while. But other than that, keep up the good work. :D
When people ask me, why are you so weird, I never know what to say. Then I think, why should I be like this when I can be like ttthhhiiiisss?



That's how we should measure our lives. Not in distance traveled, or time passed, or worlds conquered, but in moments... and the rush of joy—of grace—that exists within them.
— Megatron (Lost Light, by Roberts, Lawrence, Lafuente)