Excerpt from 'Hunted'

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1426
Reviews 11
This is the first draft of a scene from my WIP. I'm not going to say what the novel is about, because I feel it will kill the tension. Please read and review, be as harsh as you want, I want some brutal critiques with a focus on improving the impact of the scene for when I edit/revise, as it is a very important one. It is rated 16+ because of the sensitive issue it involves and for one instance of profanity. Thanks for taking the time to read (and hopefully review), hope you enjoy. :)

-------------------

Aras prayed. Not to any Gods, but to himself. He prayed that they wouldn't leave his rotting corpse out in the streets, so Rosabella wouldn't have to see it. He prayed she wouldn't cry. He prayed that he wouldn't either. Sense told him that his prayers would not be answered; the baying crowd around the platform were hungry. They were pushing up against the stage, yelling insults, scraping and scratching like bloodthirsty animals, salivating at the sight of him: a slab of fresh meat. It had been the same when they killed Arcelia Derise's child. A screaming, bloodied and still blue baby slain before the same pack of howling and screeching citizens. The bastard child was alive for no more than ten bare moments before Arcelia was clutching its dead body in her arms, drowning in her own tears. Aras prayed Rosabella wouldn't cry in the same way Arcelia cried. The sound was a painful wail that resonated for miles. The sound of a woman whose still throbbing heart was ripped out and fed to the beasts below.

When they had dragged him away from Rosabella in chains, she had screamed over the roars of the market crowd that she would come for him. She had promised, swearing she would die before she let her aunt have him. He knew she would, but not in the way he had originally thought. She had been wearing a white dress the last time he had seen her, a simple white gown, which felt like liquid to the touch. His fingers tingled at the thought as he could feel her in his hands once more, wide-eyed and radiant, smelling of musk and clean sheets, sprinkled with petals. At that moment, when they stood alone in the palace gardens, he believed she was an angel. She would come back for him; to take him away and lay him to rest.

“Move.” The rough voice and rougher hands of Voci pushed him forward, up the rickety steps of the platform. Aras, bound by the wrists and ankles, lost his balance and tumbled onto the stage, jaw smashing against the wood with a crack. Blood from his swollen tongue trickled from his lips; the crowd cheered, clawing at the scaffold. Aras coughed, forcing himself onto his knees and then his feet. Voci placed a cracked, dry hand on the back of his neck, his talons drawing blood. Aras was shuffled forward towards the centre of the stage. The crowds shrieked, pounding the unsteady planks of wood, making Aras' world sway. He looked out across the crowd. There were no familiar faces. Only the menacing smiles, with bare teeth and gleaming eyes, of the townspeople of Hale.

“The beast.”

Aras looked up, finding the person to which the voice belonged. Alleviated above the crowds on a marble balcony was Merelle Tullo. The Lady was leaning against the rail, claws encircling a glass of red, almost black, wine. She was alone, swirling the liquid in her glass as she smiled at him, showing her rat-like teeth. Aras watched as she scanned the crowds, making eye contact with Voci and nodding.

“What are you?” She asked, placing her glass on the rail and leaning forward. Aras looked away. “Well?” she repeated, raising her eyebrows so they almost disappeared into her blonde hairline. Aras ignored her gaze, choosing to study the sky. Give or take a few minutes, it would be the last time he saw it. It was grey and overcast, with rolling clouds creeping in slowly from the west. Aras felt Voci's hands on him again, craning his neck to face Merelle, who was now frowning.

“You are not helping yourself.” she said, shaking her head, eyes closed and head bowed for a second.

“You aren't worth my time.” Aras felt Voci's knuckles grind into the top of his spine, sending a lightening bolt of pain down his back. Merelle smiled, staring with half-closed eyes down at him. Aras returned the look despite the pain in his back. He tried to stand up straight, but Voci kicked him down.

“Good dog,” she pouted, clapping her hands together, rings and bangles clattering. “now's time for you to admit to your crimes.”

Aras chuckled, looking around the crowd. Merelle slammed a paw down on the marble, snarling, her eyes narrowed to his.

“I have done nothing wrong.”

Merelle growled. She grabbed the glass and threw it at the crowd, spraying the people with wine. They rocked the stage once more, their conversations now a roaring stampede that blocked out all other noise. Aras watched as Merelle disappeared, appearing at his side a moment later. Up close, he could see the twitching of her upper lip. She stamped up the steps and circled him, fists clenched at her side. She stalked in front of him, until Aras could hear her heavy breathing clearly over the riot below.

“You murdered my husband.”

“I've never heard of your husband!”

She slapped him, digging her nails into his cheek on impact. Aras bit his lip, his cheek throbbing as air reached the wound. Merelle smiled again, flicking her blonde mane over her shoulder.

“Kill him, his bitch will be next.”

Voci dragged Aras back, shoving him up against the back of the scaffold. A thick rope hit Aras in the face, blurring the world. Merelle stepped back and looked up in expectation, cheeks full and red as she gnawed on her bottom lip. The noose slipped around his neck, causing his heart to race, pushing the boundaries of it's flesh enclosure. Aras closed his eyes. He saw Rosabella, restrained by City soldiers, screaming and fighting against them as they dragged her away. Tears began to collect under his eyes. Voci tightened the rope.

“Make him suffer.” Merelle said.

Aras kept his eyes shut, the convulsions of the deafening crowd taking control of his body as he desperately tried to focus his mind. Rosabella's face dipped in and out of his thoughts, blurred and fractured until his stomach lurched, and he dropped.
If there's nothing, nothing left to lose... What is this feeling, that keeps on bringing me back to you?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8947
Reviews 127
hi :D
OK, so some intense action here - you weren't lying. Obviously it's going to feel a little confused to me because this is essentially a "random" snippet of your story, but I felt I followed reasonably well - but more than that, I did get a real sense that you knew exactly what was going on. And that is really important. Sometimes it's obvious that the writer didn't have a clear vision of where the scene was going when they started, but I did not get that from you at all. So good :D

You asked for a harsh review - might have to disappoint you a smidge. But I'll try my best...

His fingers tingled at the thought as he could feel her in his hands once more, wide-eyed and radiant, smelling of musk and clean sheets, sprinkled with petals.

I thought this sentence was quite confused, as the almost vague/unspecified bits meant I could interpret it in a number of ways. For instance, are his fingers tingling because he's remembering feeling her? Or that was what happened at the time? I know it's a detail, but it annoyed me.
Maybe something like this (if it's the first... which I think is what you wanted)
"His fingers tingled at the thought of feeling her in his hands once more"

She would come back for him; to take him away and lay him to rest.

Just a suggestion, but I'm not convinced by the necessity of the semi-colon in this exact instance. Maybe "She would come back for him; take him away and lay him to rest" or "She would come back for him, to take him away and lay him to rest" or something... maybe it's fine as it is. But you know when you just read something through several times, just because it doesn't gel? Yeah...

“Move.” The rough voice and rougher hands of Voci pushed him forward, up the rickety steps of the platform.

Again a suggestion, but because this interruption of "Move" really does interrupt the dreamy, romantic stuff you'd just had, I'd have it on a line of its own, and have "The rough voice" starting a new paragraph, comme ca:

""Move."

The rough voice and rougher hands of Voci..."

Only the menacing smiles, with bare teeth and gleaming eyes, of the townspeople of Hale.

I like what you were trying to do, but I would keep it simple: you're building up the pace here, and so keep the sentences fluid -
"Only the menacing smiles of the townspeople of Hale, with bare teeth and gleaming eyes."
This way, the last word is "eyes" and ohhh boy does it sound like a hiss! very nice linguistic technique... Also, I'd consider merging this sentence into the previous one, and I think just a comma would do the job (or a semi-colon if you so wish):
"There were no familiar faces, only the menacing smiles..."

“What are you?” She asked, placing her glass on the rail and leaning forward.

My first thought was "ah, no need to capitalise the 'she'" but then I thought, if you wanted to, you could always capitalise "She" when referring to this terrifying lady, because if she has exalted herself to this status of power, it could be suggestive of her viewing herself as a God? Sorry if that's waaay to "into it" for your taste, but it's something I thought could work, and actually be effective...

“You are not helping yourself.” she said, shaking her head, eyes closed and head bowed for a second.

You do this right really quickly after this, but I thought I'd point out (just in case) that you need a comma before the closing speech mark :D

“Good dog,” she pouted, clapping her hands together, rings and bangles clattering. “now's time for you to admit to your crimes.”

See there? Perfect! But my niggle in this quotation is you need to capitalise "now" - probably you were really getting into the writing at this point and that's always when I make my slips :D

“Kill him, his bitch will be next.”

This is just dripping with venom! Wonderful... I just wanted to suggest making it two sentences, so it sounds as jagged and cruel as possible: "Kill him. His bitch will be next." You've got so many fantastic harsh sounds in these few words, and I can see her spraying angry spit as she overemphasises "BItch" xD

My parting comment will be that if you make subsequent posts from this story (which I implore you to do) it might be a nice idea/easier for you and your reviewers if you put it in one of the novel forums? I'm not sure if you can, or how to if so, move it across but have a little look :D
Fantastic work. Really liked this :D

~*cottonrulz*~
Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello,
He liked white women and he liked - green jello... - Reduced Shakespeare Company




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 3820
Reviews 90
Well your story caught me and that is relatively hard. :)

I must admit total confusion! Great! I love being confused by a good story! I have lots of questions, because this is an excerpt, all is as it should be in that regard.

Example:
“Move.” The rough voice and rougher hands of Voci pushed him forward, up the rickety steps of the platform. Aras, bound by the wrists and ankles, lost his balance and tumbled onto the stage, jaw smashing against the wood with a crack. Blood from his swollen tongue trickled from his lips; the crowd cheered, clawing at the scaffold. Aras coughed, forcing himself onto his knees and then his feet. Voci placed a cracked, dry hand on the back of his neck, his talons drawing blood. Aras was shuffled forward towards the centre of the stage. The crowds shrieked, pounding the unsteady planks of wood, making Aras' world sway. He looked out across the crowd. There were no familiar faces. Only the menacing smiles, with bare teeth and gleaming eyes, of the townspeople of Hale.

I see some very nice description throughout your story, however... I also see distinct lack of feeling from the MC. You describe what happened to him but not much about how it felt, because of this it seems to lack emotion. It is almost like you are seeing it in your head and then writing what you see, this is good. Along with seeing though I would also like feeling.

Example 2:
Voci dragged Aras back, shoving him up against the back of the scaffold. A thick rope hit Aras in the face, blurring the world. Merelle stepped back and looked up in expectation, cheeks full and red as she gnawed on her bottom lip. The noose slipped around his neck, causing his heart to race, pushing the boundaries of it's flesh enclosure. Aras closed his eyes. He saw Rosabella, restrained by City soldiers, screaming and fighting against them as they dragged her away. Tears began to collect under his eyes. Voci tightened the rope.

“Make him suffer.” Merelle said.

Aras kept his eyes shut, the convulsions of the deafening crowd taking control of his body as he desperately tried to focus his mind. Rosabella's face dipped in and out of his thoughts, blurred and fractured until his stomach lurched, and he dropped.

Unlike the first example I see more feeling in this part. It is still a little... hard to feel through your words in the first paragraph but the last one is great!
(I also commend you on an excellent stopping point.)

Your spelling & and what not looked fantastic from what I saw, well done.

Keep writing,
~FW~
http://www.isiseiyr.com
~When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world. ~ George Carver

Writing...they claim it is a dangerous occupation... 'they' have no idea!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 240
Reviews 41
Hello, Laura!! This is great!!

Freewriter and Cotton have really covered the points that I was going to make so I won't bore you by repeating them all :). This will just be a quick review then I guess! I love the way you write and some of your descriptions were fantastic. I can't wait to read more of your writing in the future so don't be shy to post some more!!
Midnight x
"Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic" - Albus Dumbledore



If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
— Mark Twain