Gypsy

The sun shone down upon the country road, captivating dust in it's beautiful rays. The horse moved slowly up the gentle incline, pulling the carvan behind it. It's head was down and it's mane flicking on occasion. It's tail batting green flies which are circling it. The only sound which could be heard was that of a bird tweeting from a tree on the roadside. Arthur Murphy sat in front of his horse, gently pulling at the reins encouraging speed. He had thick wavy ginger locks which seemed to droop across his forehead. He wore a white shirt, and khaki trousers. Patchwork was apparent on his knees. He had deep cracks in his hand, evidencing that he had worked for most of his life. He noted the sign approaching on the left; it read Applyby.
"Sophie! Wake your brother. We're nearly there!" He had a thick irish accent which seemed to roll of his tounge like butter.
"He's up Daddy." She yelled back, an irish accent, yet with a yorkshire twinge from her life in England.
"Paddy! Come up here then you lazy git!" he laughed slightly. Over the horizon Arthur could see the faint outlines of pubs and carvans, followed by the hum of their community. Appearing at the front of the carriage was a boy. He had a muscled build and hair like his fathers. He looked around 17 and wore a thick silver chain around his neck. He stretched and perched next to his father.
"What is it Pa?"
"We need a new horse today. Should take about an hour."
"Aye pa."
"And we're her for two days."
"Aye Pa."
"You don't have a fucking clue what i'm getting at do you?"
"....no Pa."
"Fuck sake's Paddy, you can be a right twat sometimes."
"Sorry Pa." Arthur sighed slightly. He cracked his neck from left to right, before turning to his son.
"I want you to find a wife." Paddy turned and met his fathers eyes. He saw his reflection in his father eyes.
"Aye Pa. . . I'll find it."
"Good." Arthur turned back to the road and focused on the road ahead, before long they would be there.


The festival was always bustling, it was the biggest affair of the gypsy calender. Men haggled over horses and beer, where as the woman walked around trying to catch the mens eyes. It was the way it always was. Paddy sat in the beer garden of the disraeli pub, with a cool glass of guiness. His fathers words ringing throughout his head, 'I want you to find a wife.' He drank the rest of his drink and stood up. He was going to find a wife. He grabbed his jacket and headed to the street. Beautifully dressed woman walked the streets, yet none caught his eye. Not one. His biggest flaw, his biggest mistake, his biggest weakness; his sexuality.

I really like this, it's a great start because it makes you want to read on. Two teeny nitpicks:

The horse moved slowly up the gentle incline, pulling the carvan behind it. It's head was down and it's mane flicking on occasion. It's tail batting green flies which are circling it.

you don't need an apostrophe in 'its' here, it only needs to be used when it's a contraction of 'it is' and not when it's to show posession.

He wore a white shirt, and khaki trousers. Patchwork was apparent on his knees.

I just think 'khaki trousers patchworked at the knees' would sound a bit better here, totally your call.

Well that's all the criticism I have, I enjoyed reading this and especially liked the twist at the end. I look forward to reading more of your work!
~Megan~

Hi retrodisco! :D

I'm from the same side neck o' the woods as you, so relevant question -- did you catch Channel 4's My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding? If not, I think it's still available on 4oD. It was compelling viewing and an interesting insight into gypsy life in general :)

But I digress, your story!

Arthur Murphy sat in front of his horse, gently pulling at the reins encouraging speed. He had thick wavy ginger locks which seemed to droop across his forehead. He wore a white shirt, and khaki trousers. Patchwork was apparent on his knees. He had deep cracks in his hand, evidencing that he had worked for most of his life. He noted the sign approaching on the left; it read Applyby.

This reads in a very repetitive manner, as each sentence is structured in a fairly similar manner. He had this and that, he wore this, he notes that. The lack of variation can make it a little dull, so it might be an idea to try and spice it up a bit, or cut a little out! I think the detailed descriptions of what Arthur looks like aren't really needed, and perhaps there are other ways you could describe it without going into the details of what he's wearing. For example, rather than telling us his particulars clothes and the patchwork and the state of his hands, perhaps you could just mention it along the lines of his clothes being worn and grubby through years of physical labour?

"Sorry Pa." Arthur sighed slightly

This bit is a little messy! You've got Paddy's speech paired with a dialogue tag from Arthur, and who's saying what gets a bit confusing.

I think what I'd really like to see in this is a bit more on Appleby itself? You mention that the women walk around trying to catch the attraction of men but don't really say what they wear, which what from what I gather from the show can be quite provocative and is interesting paired with their conservative catholic attitudes. We've not really spend much time with Paddy, he feels like he's been asleep for most of this story! And while the ending is certainly quite a sad one, from what I know about Gypsy culture, I think it would have more of an impact if we had a greater emotional connection with him.

So, yeah! I think that, more than anything, I'd like to see this expanded. Show us the sights and sounds of the fair, show us a little more of who Paddy is, and why him getting a wife (and by that measure his sexuality) would be such a problem for him within that community.

As a final note, don't forget that things like Irish and Yorkshire and Guinness need to be capitalised :D you've missed it on a few Is too, and have a few typos although they should be easy to pick up on.

Anyway, I hope that I've been of some use to you! If you have any questions or anything you'd like me to elaborate on, feel free to shoot me a PM and whatnot :D


- Tinny