My first poem in months

5 posts
Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1078
Reviews 9
and it's about writer's block. go figure.

------------------

I used to find words everywhere.
They kept my pillow soft, flew out of
The aircon, squeezed through
That slit under the door.

I could feel them in the heat
Of the morning’s shower
Of sunlight. Birds chirped them.
And in school when Teacher’s voice

Droned endlessly on,
I would watch the windows
For stray words trapped
In tree branches. Words

Fell like feathers in the wind,
Swayed gracefully like a pendulum
Before landing on a girl’s outstretched hand.

Those were the words I fished out
Of a lake. Words I cooked on a grill,
Sprinkled with herbs and spices,
Gave out to crowds.

Like I said, I found them everywhere.
Which is why I’m now surprised
To see them asleep on the page
(snoring loudly and refusing to wake up),
To find that they leave our mouths
To fade like curls of smoke.

(first draft)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2172
Reviews 41
It's a little rough I have to admit. You seem to change themes within the first two stanzas. Other than that you seem to make your point. Review it and see what the essential message is that you're trying to get out to make this poem all the more powerful.
In memory of 1411




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1089
Reviews 37
I really like this. It's abstract, and yet you get what's going on. I love the part about words on trees. Excellent.
--Shackled




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 0
Reviews 11
I'm really digging this. Despite the previously mentioned choppiness, it's pretty good. You gave good metaphors and the personification, in my opinion was great.

But there was one thing:

I used to find words everywhere.
They kept my pillow soft, flew out of
The aircon, squeezed through
That slit under the door.

I could feel them in the heat
Of the morning’s shower
Of sunlight. Birds chirped them.
And in school when Teacher’s voice

Droned endlessly on,

I would watch the windows
For stray words trapped
In tree branches. Words

Fell like feathers in the wind,

Swayed gracefully like a pendulum
Before landing on a girl’s outstretched hand.

Those were the words I fished out
Of a lake. Words I cooked on a grill,
Sprinkled with herbs and spices,
Gave out to crowds.

Like I said, I found them everywhere.
Which is why I’m now surprised
To see them asleep on the page
(snoring loudly and refusing to wake up),
To find that they leave our mouths
To fade like curls of smoke.


The places I have colored to be red are the places I have a problem with. I'm not fond of the fact that you started a sentence in one paragraph and then finished it in another. It just kind of bothered me a tad.

Anyway, this was good, keep it up.

Love and space boots,
Liv




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 15914
Reviews 204
I'm not one who is able to distinguish good poetry from bad poetry, but I really liked this. The words flowed smoothly in my head when I read them. You describe writer's block in a unique way. I love how you don't even mention the word. I hope you continue hearing words everywhere again soon, and find inspiration in every corner. Keep on finding!

-Crescent
Please take care to use good grammar when making a post!

"grammer" 1519 matches on YWS *twitches*

Rydia is the ruler of the world. :(



Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
— Mark Twain