Galatea (2/2)

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Upon further consideration, I realized this might have fit Sci-Fi better. :/ Still, I suppose it could go for Gen Fic, as scifi isn't really a big part of the story. =]

Part one

Start

-o-o-o-


The Porter lies down the steel hallway, past dozens of portraits of Mother glaring down at the passerby. In some of them, she smiles. Freddie said Mother is beautiful when she smiled, but Cyril disagrees. Mother resembles a cow when she smiles, and a bull when she fails to do so.

The Porter shines under the harsh fluorescent lights of the hall. It’s round, polished, much like a marble but plenty more comfortable inside. The white walls are complemented by leather seats and stylish designs. It doesn’t look too spacious from the outside, but it’s always a pleasant surprise to find how roomy it was when he steps inside. Reminds him of when he and Freddie, only teenagers then, decided to have a bit of fun in the Porter, just to see if it was roomy enough.

The ride would have accommodated the silence well, but Rhode insists on small talk. Does Cyril know how long Rhode has been trying to get ahold of him? Five years and six months and counting. The weather is wonderful today, yes. Mother must be working very hard to keep it this way. Rhode’s pair Inah is with child now, does Cyril know?

Yes, but he doesn’t give a damn. Cyril only wants to be with Freddie again, so he closes his eyes to catch a glimpse of her in his mind’s eye. Rhode’s voice deprives him of even that respite. There is something inherently wrong about seeing Freddie’s beautiful face and hearing Rhode’s humming accompany it. Instead, he resigns himself to the same silence Freddie keeps, determined to shame Rhode into quiet.

He never succeeds.

Cyril’s home smells of mint and medicine and salt, different, so very different from the rank odor of the Pair Center. Not a single picture of Mother hangs about, but the wall is littered of photographs of Freddie and cadavers and sick people, of fishes and the ocean and families. Rhode seems as uncomfortable here as Cyril is at the Pair Center, all twitching eyes and twiddling thumbs and gawky movements.

Cyril scoffs. He may have been uncomfortable, but he never looked nervous, would never deign to look so pathetic. Pair Masters are such sheltered creatures.

The blonde peers at his fishes in their aquarium, vivid flashes of color swimming through blue. He loves them, yes, for their beauty. Even Freddie thinks they’re beautiful.

Rhode squirms. “Your family always liked fishes, huh. No dogs, no cats. Just the strangest fish.” Rhode taps the glass. Cyril rewards him with a flick on his ear.

“Don’t do that; never do that.”

“Right.” Rhode clears his throat and checks his watch. “Well, time’s ticking, Cyril. Shouldn’t we be at the Medical Center if you’re to show me this girl? Pick up what you need and let’s be on our way.”

“You assume too much.” Talk too much as well. “Come.” Cyril strides down the hallway, between walls scrubbed of dirt, and towards large French doors. He lingers in front of them, taking his time and fishing a ring of keys from his pocket. He likes it old-fashioned, because there’s something grand about tradition. He searches, flips, and toys with his keys until he comes across the right one, which he slips into the lock. Slowly, deliberately, surely.

“You-you haven’t bedded her, have you?” Rhode’s voice trembles. Such a coward, a big coward. “Mother would know, and Cyril, Mother – she won’t forgive very easily. Even you.”

Cyril says nothing. Best to say nothing, always best to say little to nothing. He enters the room and whispers a greeting for Freddie. A special greeting just for her. “We have a visitor, Freddie. I hope you’re feeling better.”

She lies still on the bed, sleeping, where he left her last night. Her clothes are strewn all about the floor, and he picks her blouse up and inhales her scent. It’s bitter and though he can smell a hint of jasmine, the chemicals from her skin has stuck to the fabric, and it’s what dominates his senses. A pity, but it’s a must. The lotion is what keeps her beautiful, what keeps her present, what makes her tangible.

Cyril climbs onto the bed beside her, and it depresses underneath him. Rearranges the blanket so it covers her better, because he doesn’t want Rhode to ravage her with his eyes.

Rhode lets out a strangled noise behind Cyril. “Mother –“

“I want her, Rhode. You promised me anyone, and I want her.” He kisses her cheek. It’ll be time for her lotions soon, lest the maggots come and she begins to reek of decomposition.

He used to wake her with a kiss, every day. It feels like old times, sitting like this, cradling her head in his arms and running his fingers through her dark hair. When they were children, she’d run into his room, crying for her older brother to keep the nightmares away, and he’d take her into his arms and hold her through the night. When they were teens, foolish and on hormonal highs, she’d creep into his room to spend the night with him, breathing him in, wrapped in his arms. And when they grew up, now that they’ve grown up, it’s still that way, and nothing would ever stop them from always being this way.

The patter of Rhode’s footsteps fill the room. They grew distant, softer, softer, softer, until Cyril can barely hear them. He tucks Freddie’s hair behind her ear and shushes her. He stays still, reluctant to leave. It doesn’t matter if Rhode runs anyway. Doesn’t matter, didn’t matter, can never matter.

Rhode is just like most others, common. Not like Freddie or Cyril. How could he have expected Rhode to understand when Rhode was common? Average, normal?

Never mind. Rhode will give Cyril what he wanted and Freddie and Cyril will be a legal, lawful, proper pair. Either that, or he can’t leave. It’ll be all right, Freddie – it’ll be all right.

Spoiler
Sooo this bit doesn't take into consideration the reviews I saw in the last part. I want to thank everyone who reviewed, though. <3 I will be revising this soon, and will fix the vagueness. It's the bane of my writing. XP

On a side note, I think I pretty much got too squicked out while writing this and so my writing failed me in the last part. :/
"The moral of this story, is that if I cause a stranger to choke to death for my amusement, what do you think I’ll do to you if you don’t tell me who ordered you to kill Colosimo?“

-Boardwalk Empire

Love, get out of my way.


Dulcinea: 2,500/50,000




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Hey there!

Okay, so at the beginning of this, everything feels very... misty. Transparent, almost, like a ghost; intangible; indirect. We get descriptions of the place, but it's still hard to think of it as a solid place. I'm pretty sure this is because there's actually very little about Cyril in it.

See, since Cyril is the main character, we expect everything to grow around him; we see what he sees, feel what he feels; we only know what he knows and as he knows it. We experience things through him. But in the beginning of this, we learn about the rooms as though they are the main character and Cyril is simply a side character of whom has interacted with the room in a slight fashion. I want more about Cyril in here, more about his actions and thoughts, and for you to introduce things through a filter of this-is-how-they-look-to-Cyril; this-is-what-they-mean-to-him; this-is-how-he-remembers-them. Of course, you shouldn't overload us by giving us all of this all the time; but right now, the whole beginning feels very detached and air-like, as though it's just going to blow away.

The ride would have accommodated the silence well, but Rhode insists on small talk. Does Cyril know how long Rhode has been trying to get ahold of him? Five years and six months and counting. The weather is wonderful today, yes. Mother must be working very hard to keep it this way. Rhode’s pair Inah is with child now, does Cyril know?


Something that's only taken away from the voice of this is the few parts like this; it's in Rhode's POV. But that's wrong. We're supposed to be viewing this solely from Cyril's head, aren't we? At least, I don't remember ever being inside of Rhode before, and if we were it wasn't for long and I didn't really notice considering Cyril was so much more dominate. But partly because of what I said above and partly because of this, we don't really get a sense of voice; there is no specific viewpoint from which we see everything, which is what is making this hard to grasp.

Something that's irked me in this piece are sentences like these:

Reminds him of when he and Freddie, only teenagers then, decided to have a bit of fun in the Porter, just to see if it was roomy enough.


Talk too much as well.


Such a coward, a big coward.


Rearranges the blanket so it covers her better, because he doesn’t want Rhode to ravage her with his eyes.


Notice what these have in common? They're all incomplete. They have no subject. In some pieces they work, but here they just don't. In the first part, Cyril came off as sophisticated, if a bit cynical and petty. Here, he seems more simplistic, like a patient in a mental warden. Not to say anything bad about this - I love characters like that, and they can be very mature in their own ways; but Cyril, it's just not his voice.

At the very end, I'd like a more definite "this is what happens" moment. As in - Freddie's dead, right? I'd like that a smidge bit more clear, and I'd like Rhode's reaction to be more prominent. I barely registered that he left at all. I want to see it create more of a stir.

Okay, so if anything of this sounds like I'm slamming your work or saying that it's not good or something, that's not the case. The first part already showed you're a good writer; I just don't think this part is living up to the first one. But if you take notice of what I said and improve in those areas, I think this could get really good. Also, aside from the things I mentioned, this is still a really interesting, really intriguing story. I was not expecting the ending at all, but I absolutely adore it; it's a lovely twist. So, I really like this. Nice story. =)

If you have any questions or comments, post on my wall, m'kay?

loveness, ultraviolet <3
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