Gymnopédie

The wind is getting in again. It makes light work of the shack that he calls home, singing shrilly as it blusters through the sheets of corrugated steel. There'll be no students today, Chen thinks as he spoons hot rice into his eager mouth. They don't like the wind; they complain that it leaves their fingers too cold to play, that they can't stretch enough to reach even half an octave.

The piano sits in the corner of his dilapidated shack; he keeps it polished to perfection, tuned to a tee. It is nestled between his bed and the gas-powered stove that cooks his rice. His mother would be turning in her grave to know that he hadn't sold that old thing, but Chen had found that it was easier to sell people the prospect of a better future, a place playing professionally somewhere outside of this slum, than it was to sell the old piano.

They’ll be out flying kites, chasing other dreams today. Chen takes his seat on the piano stool, brushing out imaginary coat tails as he sits, cracks his knuckles and begins. Eric Satie’s Gymnopédie #1, the soft notes carried away on the will of the wind.


They played it at their wedding. The sun was so bright that day, smiling down upon them and saturating their world with colour, as if it had chased all of the clouds away just for them. She was so beautiful with her white dress, hibiscus in her hair, and smile so wide it split her face. They had their ceremony on the sands of Hawaii, slipped simple gold wedding bands across each other’s fingers, kissed to a chorus of cheers from friends and family.

Satie was their dance, when they held each other close as man and wife for the first time and slid across the slick polished floor. His arm was around her waist, her face tilted into the crook of his neck, each whispering sweet promises of the future to the other.

It was beautiful. Romantic. Perfect, but-

They'll think back on it with foggy minds, know that it was a picture-perfect day and that they would have felt happy, but won't be able to quite reclaim that feeling; the thought forever lingering just out of reach. Snatched away by the soft sound of ivories carried on the wind.


Gymnopédie is over. A smile teases at the corners of Chen’s lightly parted lips; they are all so wonderful, the memories swarming around his mind like glowing fireflies, filling his chest with that warm fluttering of butterflies A first kiss, swimming naked in the moonlight, that new yet familiar smell of a new-born child. He curls up on his stiff wooden bed and feels the goose down and Egyptian cotton of his wedding suites – each and every one of them – hears the gentle voice of his wives, husbands, lovers.

It was the happiest day of their life and, seeing as Chen had none to call his own, now it was his.

Spoiler

Your story is about an instructor in a ghetto in China stealing time.

No reviews yet? Shame.

Anyway, great imagery! Your characterization was quick and effective too which was fun to read.

I thought the plot was pretty good, but it seemed to stray away from the theme. Not a big deal, but the slum/ghetto part just seemed tossed in there. I think I get where the "stealing time" thing comes in to play, but it's not one hundred percent clear to me.

Another thing I liked was how the ending seemed to fill out Chen's character nicely.

Good work. Best of luck in the contest!

P.S. Have you ever seen the movie "Man on Wire"? I think "Gemnopédia" is in that, and it's a great movie so you should check it out if you haven't seen it already!

Hey there!

Okay, so obviously you have more words that you can use - I'd like to see you dig deeper into this.

When I first read of the wedding, I had thought it was his and so I was wondering what exactly had happened since then, and was confused when he smiled at the end. Then I realized what was really going on. But I'd make it more clear, so as not to confuse anyone.

I'd really like you to add to this, breathe some more life into it. You've got a lot of emotion in this, you can tell the character has a story and and future, but you're just not conveying this in a way that gives us a full effect. I think you could give us more details about his past, where he hopes to take his future; more details about why exactly he's in a slum yet has a piano, why there are people there willing to pay to learn the instrument. Also, where did he learn to play so well?

I also want to know more of his feelings about the wedding; you say he doesn't have any family, so he mentally adopts people like the ones who got married; you say he's both sad and happy about it; I want to dig deeper. Now, I'm not saying you need a ton more here, definitely not more than the word count will allow. But just taking a line or two for each thing I've mentioned could really help this; even just a couple words added to certain sentences could.

Overall, this is beautiful and full of emotion, even if we're not quite sure why he's feeling certain emotions. You convey things well. The descriptions you do have here and good.

Sorry this is such a short review, but in my defense, this is a short piece of writing. Any questions or comments, feel free to post on my wall or PM me.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

I really like the way you use language--it's careful, but not pretentious. There's a fine line and you're on the right side of it.

I do agree with the review above--that there are things you could flesh out (why he's in the shack, how he's a master piano player) just because the questions raised are distracting for the reader. You spend a lot of time (well maybe not a lot, but it is over a third of the story) in the beginning talking about him and his piano, so the reader naturally thinks "oh, this story is going to be about him with this piano, we're going to find out why he's playing the piano etc." but...this isn't the case.

Also I'm just going to say straight-up: I was confused! I had to reread the story and look at the theme to understand. Maybe I'm just an idiot? But it's probably not a good sign that I was confused. Try not to sacrifice clarity!

Sorry if this review seems harsh. I'm only reviewing because I think this is awesome and that it could be awesomer!

The plot of this story was nice, I suppose, but it did seem a little humdrum to me. It left me wondering things that should have been in the story like:
What did chen look like? Information such as "his forhead wrinkles in concentration, as it always does" etc.
I was confused in the one part, I thought it was his wedding.
I also think that Chen needs to show more emotion towards the song, and that you should also go into more detail from the other parties he's played at.