Ballet of Judgement

My entry to the BIG Random Story Theme Contest. Comments on how to improve it are warmly welcomed. Hope you enjoy!

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The gravel crunched beneath the soles of my polished, black shoes. The wind caressed my body in a fierce hug, causing me to stumble from time to time. But I would not be deterred; I trudged on, one foot in front of the other. I clutched my cloak tight around me; the hem slapped against my legs, willing me to trip. I clawed the air in front of me, as if I could find purchase and drag myself further. All the while, the only sound I heard was the soft crunch of the loose rocks underfoot, like bones being ground into dust. I shivered. That sound had kept me up many nights. The screaming of a writhing soul as he burned in a sea of flame, spitting and crackling in its magnificence, echoed through my head. I clenched my teeth tight and closed my eyes.

They deserved it. They hurt innocents; a punishment was neccessary. I only did what was right. I only did what was fair and just. This shouldn't be on my conscience, the weight of it shouldn't bow my shoulders.

Oh, but it did. I smiled a mirthless smile, the irony of it all swirling in the pits of my eyes as I opened them. What creator could be so cruel as to give the Judge of Life and Death, Heaven and Hell, Damnation and Salvation, a conscience? My body shuddered as a soul was run through with sharpened staves, fire seeping into the wounds. Her shrieks of pain and madness reached for me from the Purgatory, vibrating in my core, and I felt my knees growing weaker. I could imagine every ragged cut as it was made, and it was only just; thus had boomed my Judgement.

Abruptly, my questioning foot found no surface to rest on; I had reached the edge of the building. I glanced down and saw a vast openness stretching towards the bed of rock that humans called home. Tiny shapes fleeted and turned and chased one another through the gaps of the clouds, thousands of feet away. Wisps of cirrus cloud, colored pink and purple by the setting sun, danced in the eddies of wind a hundred feet below me. I drew back my foot, standing silently on the edge of oblivion. As I watched, shivering, the wispy clouds embraced the humans far below into their lofty arms, moving with them in perfect harmony. A sparrow, far from home, added its graceful loops and curves to the ballet of nature.

The balance of nature. I never thought it existed, but here it is, painted before my very eyes. Such beauty, such grace. Such a shame that it cannot be witnessed without dying. The only route away from this spot is down, down into the abyss below. It is a worthy cause to die for, though. It truly is.

With a smile on my face, I watched the beauty of nature unfold before me, every lone dancer unknowingly contributing to the larger picture. It was perfect, the ultimate master piece. This was art in its truest form. The next realization hit me hard, obscuring the mirth on my lips.

This is the world I force them to leave.

I felt a sudden revulsion which had nothing to do with the abysmal drop at my feet. I forced their souls to part with this paradise, sometimes going as far as to dragging them out of their bodies. I forced them to. It was only my job. Only my duty. I gave out a wail of despair and clutched at the spot where my heart would have been. This was too much, too much. I collapsed onto my knees and prayed for the first time in my whole existence. I prayed for what I delivered; I prayed for the cruel fate of many I had Judged; I prayed for it all to stop. I prayed for the release of my mind; I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed to be part of this harmony all around me.

Then I flexed my arms and legs, and propelled myself into the abyss.



I lay on the ground, the cold granite holding my cheek close. There was no pain, no sense of release. A person suffering due to my Judgement cried out, begging for mercy. I was still. A person still in this world skirted around my prone form, unable to see me. I willed my existence to cease, but there was no heart to stop pumping, no lungs to stop breathing. I was immortal. A tear slid down my face. I am immortal...

Spoiler

My theme was: "Your story is about a Judge at the top of a skyscraper watching ballet."

Hello!

I loved this. It's written really well, and it's amazing how you could get such an idea from that prompt. I was hooked from beginning to end. Just a few small suggestions:

My body shuddered as an immortal soul was run through with sharpened staves, fire seeping into the wounds. Her shrieks of pain and madness vibrated in my core, and I felt my knees growing weaker.

It might just be me, but I didn't understand this bit. What immortal soul? You've already got some strong imagery in the story; I'm wondering if this bit is necessary.

Abrutly, my questioning foot found no surface to rest on.

*Abruptly :]

A sparrow, far from home, added its graceful loops and curves to the ballet of nature.

This has to be my favourite sentence in the whole story. It's beautiful.

The only route away frrom this spot is down, down into the abyss below.

*from

One thing that bothered me a little in this is that the fact that the Judge is on a skyscraper isn't evident. In fact, I wasn't really sure where he was until I read the prompt, so maybe make that clearer. Apart from that, this was perfect. It really is a fantastic story. Goodluck in the contest!

Keep writing, and hope I helped,

~Lilicia

Ok, I liked your piece of writing, very descriptive and captivating. Nice job. It was a little dark, but that's just a personal opinion and not something you should worry about.

That sound had kept me up many nights. The screaming of a writhing soul as he burned in a sea of flame, spitting and crackling in its magnificence, #FF0000 ">echoed through my head. I clenched my teeth tight and closed my eyes.

I liked this description, it flows smoothly, and has a nice ring to it.

Ok, I couldn't find any grammatical errors so thumbs up to that, and keep up the great work!
~Zanna Shepherd

Wow, beautiful piece! I liked the imaginative description, and the way you made 'Judgment' into a character. Great job with this, it's very captivating! The only thing that you could maybe add to it is more description about the fall. It was like it was missing an scene or something; first Judgment was on the top of the skyscraper, then suddenly laying on the ground. There's a lot of space in between those two places. But I did like how Judgment jumped from the building, seeking release, then feeling the hopelessness of it all. Nice ending. I also liked how you voiced some of the thoughts going through Judgment's head, it lets the reader get to know the character a little better, feel a connection to them. And hoe you portrayed life as a dance and art was also nice. Some of my favorite parts were...

like bones being ground into dust.

Wisps of cirrus cloud, colored pink and purple by the setting sun, danced in the eddies of wind a hundred feet below me.

standing silently on the edge of oblivion.

I lay on the ground, the cold granite holding my cheek close.

Okay, one last thing.

My body shuddered as an immortal soul was run through with sharpened staves, fire seeping into the wounds. Her shrieks of pain and madness reached for me from the Purgatory, vibrating in my core, and I felt my knees growing weaker. I could imagine every ragged cut as it was made, and it was only just; thus had boomed my Judgement.

I had a little trouble with this paragraph, mainly becasue the word 'immortal' is there. It made me think that you're talking about Judgment's soul, which would be immortal. But i didn't get why it would be ran through with staves. So then I thought that Judgment was feeling a humans pain as she died, but the way you put it, that would make it seem like the human is the immortal one, her soul being ran through. So i think what you meant was that a human soul died from Judgment, and Judgment could feel it. I think you should just make it a little clearer.

Overall, though, this was a very entrancing piece, original and well done. Good job1

<..> Kat

[quote]

Hello! This was a really stunning short story. There were just a couple things I found that could use tweaking:

The gravel crunched beneath the soles of my polished, black shoes. The wind caressed my body in a fierce hug, causing me to stumble from time to time.

You may have done this on purpose, but I thought the sentence structure here was a little repetative. Also "caress" and "fierce hug" seem to contradict each other.

spitting and crackling

I love these descriptive words.

Then I flexed my arms and legs, propelling myself into the abyss.

The action that you describe here doesn't really make sense. If you had said "I flexed my arms and legs, and propelled myself into the abyss" I think it'd flow better. When I picture someone flexing, that movement doesn't doesn't transport or push them anywhere, if that makes sense.

Otherwise, I found this to be really fascinating and poetic. I got this surging, writhing sort of rhythm to your prose in this that really worked well with the dark tone you set for this piece. I really like what you did with the prompt too. Well done!