Soul River

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This isn't fictional, but it isn't totally real, and it isn't really an essay, it's just a recount of an experience I had; enjoy!


SOUL RIVER

As I walked across the soccer field flanking the elementary school, with my dog in tow, I found the power of reminiscence bear upon me. A rush of senses filed back through my pores: smells; feelings; images; tastes – they all came roaring back. They cut through my person like an axe to an aged tree. I found them difficult to comprehend in my advanced adolescence. The most immediate was a yearning: to recede.

I found myself wishing to be young again: to play; to wander; to skip; to cry – I wished to be shameless again. I wished for innocence. I wished for more life. I wished to be naked and blind.

I found bees; and wasps; and flies; and ladybugs; and rolly pollies; and all the rest at their daily nuances. Generations passes in them to this point, and to the era of their ancestors that were familiar with me. Long dead were the bees that buzzed; the wasps that floated; the flies that hummed; the ladybugs that crawled; and the polies that rolled, about me. Long dead was the grass I had trampled upon during a hectic game of soccer, that wasn’t much of a game, seeing as the entire school must’ve been involved. Long dissipated were the clouds that loomed above me, with an omnipresence dwarfed by the delusions of adaptation brought along by adulthood. And long dead was the me that pondered all these things. The me that made decisions as if one side was any better than the other.

I found the backstops rusted; the swings rigid; the goalposts weathered; and the years wasted. I found the houses larger; the streets thinner; the children grosser; and the country older.

And I found the river.

The proverbial artery of future running through a landscape of past. A green tie lost on the suit of a “businessman” from a black – and – white 1950s sitcom. Encased in fence and concrete; lost in an urban spectrum; life where death had conquered life. Life where apathy had conquered life. Life.

All the vestige of mankind was apparent: shopping carts overtaken by moss; soda cans overtaken by moss; Christmas tree skeletons overtaken by moss; garbage as far as the eye could travel: all overtaken by moss; all reclaimed. I found everything.

Mosses dead; mosses living.

I found a family of ducks – or two separate families; I cannot be exactly sure. All I know is that a family was there; possibly two. Two large ducks; eleven small ducks. One with five ducklings – the other with six. Though my dog was interested more in the various smells bordering the fence, I was taken with the ducks. They went about their business much like my dog: bobbing; weaving; shaking; flaunting; and of course, ducking; my dog could have made quite a duck! Their acts were propagated by waves on the surface of the water familiar with blips on a radar screen. They flowed on the base of the water with ease and elegance, with a life devoid of predation. Lines followed them in the water, telling a story fading into the present and disappearing into the past. Ducklings followed duck, lines followed ducklings, water followed lines, and nothing followed water. Except for two of the ducklings.

I found myself following alongside of them downstream. I found myself concerned that their mother (or father) wasn’t following, and didn’t even seem interested. I found myself wondering if she was going to just let them drift into the street that ran by the river as it emptied into a grassy knoll on the roadside. I followed them down to a bridge that crossed at the other end. I walked across and observed as they crossed underneath. At the height of my worries I was relieved. A commanding quack sounded upstream, just as reassuring as a mother’s early morning lullaby. The ducklings continued daring their mother to follow them into death’s warm asphalt. Only a game, the mother, with siblings in tow, arrived long before any sensible danger was apparent.

I found myself long relieved to be relieved. I found myself leaving them behind, and returning upstream. I found the other troupe, and followed them upstream. They followed each other, one after the other, with the mother (or father) holding up the rear. A chain that must’ve felt unbreakable to them. Soon I found myself alone with my dog farther upstream, long outpacing the family, long to disappear from their periphery. I found myself leaning on the fence at the edge of the attainable stream, which ran on for miles, along houses and freeways and bike paths, finally reaching I don’t know what, and emptying into I don’t know where. I watched a crane stand on the opposite bank, seemingly on one leg. I attempted to count the blips on the water, but there were too many. I found myself returning to my car parked at the front of the school. I found myself scooping my dog into the passenger seat, and locking her in the seatbelt, just in case.

I found myself sitting there, staring down the blank road that lay before me. Pondering life had never been my thing, and it still isn’t. To ponder life is to ponder death, as that is the only reality. A release after a long and varied internment. But there I found myself pondering. What was I going to do now? Was I going to drive home and continue; was I going to drive in the opposite direction; was I going to float upstream or down? I felt that it didn’t matter, because whichever way we flow, we all come upon the same result: a terminus; a waterfall; a delta; a refinery; or, with the most hope, a tributary, merging with an even greater reality.

All the same.
"This is our decision,
to live fast and die young...
Yeah it's overwhelming,
but what else can we do?
Get jobs in offices and
wake up for the morning commute?

The models will have children,
we'll get a divorce,
find some more models;
everything must run its course!

Fated to Pretend




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Gender Female
Points 7522
Reviews 229
Hi Bolshevik! I'm here to review for you today, and, let me just tell you, I cannot belive that nobody has commented on this yet - it's fantastic!
Right, so here goes my longest review ever ;)

Positive:

This was simply wonderful. I was encaptured, entranced by the whole piece. I adored how the tale revolved around meditation of life. Your tone and voice possessed a ponderous quality, and caused the reader to slip into that state of meditation. Your prose was so powerful, yet so calm.

I loved how you made the reader feel part of the story: I felt like I was there with you, smelling everything you smell, seeing everything you see.That truly is an ability found in the most accomplised of authors. You are truly a talented writer, Bolshevik ( and, do you have a name, or even a nickname?) and I truly can't wait for your next story.

I also loved the innocence of the piece. For instance, when you were explaining about the ducks. It is very easy to over-describe and provide every little detail: pulling it off and doing so in a skilled and polished manner is very difficult. You have a natural gift for penning solemn, fluid prose.

Negetive:

You are the worst semi-colon abuser I have EVER met. Below I've included my nitpicks, and you'll see where I've altered a little of your punctuation to make it more accurate. Yes, semi-colons are for lists, but you just threw them in there willy-nilly. They didn't add to the piece: in fact, I think they detracted. Why? Because they were so distracting and annoying.

To be honest, the only thing that let you down in this piece was your punctuation. I'll run through a little of it now with you, and explain how you can improve this piece:

Bold = change to
Italics = add to

Bolshevik wrote:As I walked across the soccer field flanking the elementary school, with my dog in tow, I found the power of reminiscence bear upon me. A rush of senses filed back through my pores: smells; Comma feelings; comma images and tastes - semi-colon they all came roaring back. They cut through my person like an axe to an aged tree. I found them difficult to comprehend in my advanced adolescence. The most immediate was a yearning: a yearning to recede.

I found myself wishing to be young again: to play; comma to wander; comma to skip and to cry – I wished to be shameless again. I wished for innocence. I wished for more life. I wished to be naked and blind.

I found bees;< remove semicolon and wasps;< remove semi-colon and replace with commaflies; < remove semi-colon and ladybugs; and rolly pollies; and all the rest at their daily nuances. Generations passes in them to this point, and to the era of their ancestors that were familiar with me. Long dead were the bees that buzzed; comma the wasps that floated; comma the flies that hummed; comma the ladybugs that crawled; < removed semi-colon and the polies that rolled, remove comma about me


I think you get the picture. If you have any questions on this PM me further.

Well, here comes the end of my epic-ish review. Enjoy your day, Bolshevik.
~ Alia




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Gender Female
Points 2290
Reviews 88
Ok, I really enjoyed the rhythm of your story. It flowed relatively smoothly, (except for some parts that I will point out later) and had a slow meandering pace. kind of simple and down to earth like. It was enjoyable to read about the ducks, you wrote this as if from an experience (have you ever done that kind of thing?) and kept everything very realistic. Ok here are the few nitpicks that I found;

As I walked across the soccer field flanking the elementary school, with my dog in tow#FF0000 ">, I found the power of reminiscence bear upon me. A rush of senses filed back through my pores: smells; feelings; images; tastes – they all came roaring back. They cut through my person like an axe to an aged tree. I found them difficult to comprehend in my advanced adolescence. The most immediate was a yearning: to recede.
The first sentence, is a comma splice I think, you should make it into two sentences for in to flow smoother.

I found bees; and wasps; and flies; and ladybugs; and rolly pollies; #FF0000 ">and all the rest at their daily nuances. Generations passes in them to this point, and to the era of their ancestors that were familiar with me. Long dead were the bees that buzzed; the wasps that floated; the flies that hummed; the ladybugs that crawled; and the polies that rolled, about me. Long dead was the grass I had trampled upon during a hectic game of soccer, that wasn’t much of a game, seeing as the entire school must’ve been involved. Long dissipated were the clouds that loomed above me, with an omnipresence dwarfed by the delusions of adaptation brought along by adulthood. And long dead was the me that pondered all these things. The me that made decisions as if one side was any better than the other.
This paragraph is a little confusing, as I'm not too sure how if he's pondering now, that part of him is dead. Also what do you mean by, all the rest? The whole part about the generations is confusing to.

Also you repeat words like life, and moss, and I'm not sure if that's just the way you wanted it to be, it seems to slow the story down a bit. Other than that, your story was very, good, and the style unique and interesting. Good luck, have fun, and keep up the great writing!
~Zanna Shepherd
In order to write about life, first you must live it!

Ernest Hemingway

Hmm, must be why I only write fantasy, that's the only life I've ever lived.
~Zanna



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