Amore Impossible

This is a poem based on our co-novel and it’ll probably be in the story . It’s from Marco’s POV so it’s written by Mikko’. Then again, if you haven’t read the story yet, you wouldn’t understand—so please check it out!

To Annalane.

When looking in each other's eyes,
We forget the world,
We set free our hearts,
And throw away the lies.

In the world we live in,
This is impossible,
It is an abomination,
A very deadly sin.

I must hate you,
Yet I cannot,
Flee, we shall
For it is all we can do.

I want us to be free,
And to love you forever,
I will indeed keep you safe.
That’s a promise from me.

Marco del Rey.

Romeo and Juliet storyline? I haven't read the story. If so, well done expressing it in a few lines, so that I sort of know what's going on

Aside from the first stanza, I would say this is just a little...dry. Of course, you don't want gushy, and I like several of the individual lines, such as the line about keeping her safe, which is sweet, and the Biblical references in the 'abomination' and the 'deadly sins.' (Nice with the using of both of the words there.) But there's a lot of it that's so not descriptive. It's just 'I should hate you. I don't. Let's run away.' Give me some more poem to like!

Flee, we must
For it is all we can do.

Doesn't 'must' mean 'it is all we can do'?

The rhyme scheme is also a little weird. It's ABCA, right? ABBA is a little more conventional...?

I like the thought behind it. Very romantic and classical. Where does this fit in the story? Why does he write it? What are they planning? I should probably read the story, eh?

Mrs.E.D.

pointe2mikko wrote:To Annalane.

When looking in each other's eyes, #FF0000 ">Meh. Not that original. Also, "in" should be "into."
We forget the world, #FF0000 ">Again. Cliched.
We set free our hearts,
And throw away the lies. #FF0000 ">Throw away? How does that work?

In the world we live in,
This is impossible, #FF0000 ">But...you just said you did...?
It is an abomination,
A very deadly sin. #FF0000 ">How can something be "very" deadly? Does it kill you extra fast?

I must hate you, #FF0000 ">Too halted.
Yet I cannot,
Flee, we must #FF0000 ">Talking like Yoda now?
For it is all we can do. #FF0000 ">The word "must" already implies this.

I want us to be free,
And to love you forever, #FF0000 ">Eh. This could be better.
I shall indeed keep you safe. #FF0000 ">Why do you need "indeed?"
That’s a promise from me.

Marco del Rey.

Needs a little work, but, okay....

-Kafka

Thanks for the reviews and for the suggestions!!

Le review:

To Annalane.

When looking in each other's eyes, #FF0000 ">cliche. very.
We forget the world,
We set free our hearts, #FF0000 ">'we' again? I wouldn't keep saying it.
And throw away the lies. #FF0000 ">(kinda boring.)

In the world we live in,
This is impossible,
It is an abomination,
A very deadly sin. #FF0000 ">(now this sounds less like a lovey poem and more like a religious rant. I don't like this stanza at all)

I must hate you,
Yet I cannot, #FF0000 ">(erg. This is so awkwardly phrased. If you were to go up to someone and say this, would they have an emotional reaction or would they look at you and offer you directions to the nearest institute?)
Flee, we shall #FF0000 ">(Now you sound like Yoda.)
For it is all we can do.#FF0000 "> (more cliches. star crossed lovers running away together.)

I want us to be free,
And to love you forever,
I will indeed keep you safe.#FF0000 ">[color=#FF0000] (no need for 'indeed' )[/color]
That’s a promise from me. #FF0000 ">(boring line.)

Marco del Rey.

So, I didn't see anything special about this poem. It was a rather cliché and boring letter to one's lover about how they should run away together because they're not allowed to be together in public. Right?

Would you personally categorise that as something you want to read? If somebody sent you this letter, would you be particularly thrilled about running away with them? I don't think you would.

Make this emotional! The star-crossed lover dynamic is overused, yes, but it can still be entertaining if executed correctly. Instead of a bland statement of what they plan to do, make this emotional. Make us feel for them, make us want them to be together at last.

With work, this can be good. Right now it seems more like a base than a poem.

Cheers!

-Tori