You Can't Erase Ch. 2

Spoiler

So I accidentally put chapter one in short stories.. (if anyone knows how to move it that would be great)
Here's chapter two anyway. The time is sort of confusing because it switches around. Kudos to those who get what I'm trying to say! Also, this probably won't make sense if you haven't read chapter one but go for it One more thing - this chapter isn't my favorite, I feel like it could be better. Comments much appreciated.

Spoiler

Ok, I guess I will explain the time. There's like present day and flashbacks. Flashbacks take place 23 years before the present, when MC was in high school. Now she has a daughter in high school.

I was sixteen years old when it happened and when you are sixteen you believe that nothing can harm you. When I was sixteen I thought that nothing in the world was more important than having him. Love at first sight can be more properly named as lust at first sight, teenage-girl-obsession at first sight. At least, that’s how it was on that crisp October morning when my best friend Anna and I first saw him.

“Katie, I swear, it was my alarms fault. It went off late and that’s why I was so behind!”

“Mhm,” I muttered, it had to be the fifth time she’d said that since we’d walked out her front door. I just concentrated on walking quickly - I did not want to be late for French.

“You don’t believe me!”

“Anna, it’s not a matter of me believing you it’s a matter of us getting to school on time.”

“I just don’t want you to be mad at me.” Anna was always worried about people being mad at her - particularly for unjust reasons.

As her best friend, I often found myself repeating the same thing, “Anna, I’m not mad at you.”

She seemed satisfied and relaxed a bit, slowing her pace, “It’s only ten minutes, anyway.” I pulled my phone out of the pocket of my jeans, to check to see if she was right and the following moment would become known to her as the one where she saw him first.

“Hey, who’s that?” Anna tapped my arm, her tone awed. I glanced up from my phone to see two boys standing at the crosswalk. The first had his back to us, he had dark hair and was taller and thinner than the other boy. They were talking, the tall boy laughed at something the boy opposite him said. The latter, while shorter, was still pretty tall by our standards. He had brown hair with wisps of blonde that seemed to be remnants from the summer. His skin was warm and tan, rich. His squarish face and strong jaw curved into smile.

“I don’t know but he is H-O-T, hot!” We both laughed at my corniness and walked over towards the boys where they waited at the curb. They glanced briefly at us as we approached behind us, his gaze making us both blush profusely, before the walk signal lit up and the four of us made our way to school.
--

“I’m telling you. He’s one of the hottest guys I have ever seen,” I tried to convince Meghan and Caroline at lunch that afternoon.

“She’s right!” Anna leaned forward, as if to make herself more convincing. “He’s absolutely gorgeous.”

“I’m sure he is.” Meghan was not convinced.

Caroline, on the other hand, didn’t care, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but there are a lot of hot guys. Congratulations on finding one on your way to school.”

Anna and I just looked at each other. They didn’t understand, this boy was Godly.

----

“You don’t understand!”

It’s amazing how every teenage girl has the exact ear-wrenching, tortured-soul, you’re-ruining-my-life scream. I contemplated this as I stood outside of my teenage daughters bedroom door that she had just slammed right into my face.
Of course I understand, but trying to tell her that would be futile. I was a teenager not too long ago and I remembered my teenage years a little more than I liked.

“Honey,” I knocked lightly on the door. “Please open up.”

“No!” That shriek again. As if my entire existence was ruining hers. “You just don’t want me to be happy.”
I let out a sigh. There was nothing in this world that I wanted more than my daughters happiness and that was precisely why I got angry when I realized she had lied. When I had been driving to the grocery store and found Sam locking lips with some nameless, greasy teenage boy.

I missed the days when I could tell her that boys were gross and she would believe me. I kept up the cootie game for as long as she would allow it as if I could somehow keep her from the same tangled, terrible mess I had fallen into.
I cracked open the door and was surprised to find no resistance. Sam’s room was baby blue, we’d painted it on her eleventh birthday as a sort of mother-daughter project gift. Back then she didn’t care about makeup or boys, back then she had pictures of horses on her walls, she always did like horses. Now there were musicians and actors. I winced at the picture of Brent.

Sam was lying face down on her bed, sobbing dramatically. I walked towards her lavander bed, we’d bought the sheets and blankets when we decorated her room. The comforter had a purple floral pattern on it but Sam always said it looked more like stars.

“Sam, honey,” I sat on the edge of her bed, “I’m sorry.”

And I was sorry, I guess pulling up next to her boyfriends car and demanding that he let her go was a little bit over the top.

“No, you’re not sorry,” She sat up now. Her face was red and splotchy. Her eyelashes glistened with tears and black lines of eyeliner fell to her chin, “Your not sorry! And you don’t get it!”

How could I make her understand? How could I make her understand that I did get it, that I did want her to be happy. “Honey, please listen-”

She stopped me, “No, mom. You listen; I love him. I love him and you ruined it!” She threw herself onto her bed again, face down, and sobbed big, dramatic heaves into her lavander pillow. I was struck silent, just gaping at her quivering body.

“You are to young to be in love,” my tone was colder than I expected, quiet.

Sam stopped crying and sat up. She looked at me, the mascara was smudged like charcoal across her cheeks, “How would you know, Mom, have you ever even loved anyone?” And then she stood up and walked out of her room. I heard the slam of the bathroom door.

You should separate the 'past' part from the present, maybe by saying 'present day' or something similar. Just to keep confusion at a minimum.

Also the first two or three sentences seem a bit awkward. Maybe something more in the line of: "Any teenager thinks he or she is invincible, I was no different...."

Other than that, I'm waiting for more. Write faster! ^^

~ Vari

Hello! Back again for another review, hope you don't mind. ^.^

As I have said, I think you have a fantastic premise. It is interesting to see how your MC character deals with the source of her pain so prominently displayed in every area of her life. What will she do? What has this Josh kid done? How will she deal with her daughter's obsession? All questions that keep me reading. Once again, I think you ended really strong, I definitely was left feeling something at the end, which is any writers goal right? I liked this part more than the first, probably because there was more action and less story, something happened. There was more showing and less telling. So triple points for that. ^.^

I do think some improvements could be made. First, I would like to talk about time. Your story seems rather realistic, and as such, I think it takes place in this world, in this time period. Your dealing with two time periods here, the present, and 23 years in the past. I can only assume that the present is suppose to be taking place now in 2011, which would make the past in 1988. I think you have to be conscious of this. In 1988, teenagers didn't have cellphones to check the time on, for instance. Setting a major chunk of your story in 1988 might require a little research. The other thing I would like to talk about is Josh and his age. I assume Josh was sixteen at the time that your MC was sixteen, which would make him 39 now. To me, most sixteen-year-olds, if they are obsessed at all, are obsessed with celebs their own age, the Justin Biebers and Jonas Brothers. I don't see many thirty-nine year-olds in teen magazines. However, I think you could pull it off. I, for instance, find Leonardo DiCaprio stunning and his is 36. (I don't have a poster of him on my wall, promise.^^) I just think you need to also be conscious of just how old Josh is.

There were a few sentences, in your first chapter, as in this one, where I got tripped up. They were a little stilted and awkward. I'll put a couple examples at the end of this review in a spoiler, along with my suggestions as to how to fix them. Hopefully, it will help as continue you to write this. My biggest suggestion when dealing with awkward wording is reading your piece out loud, to a friend, family member, or an inanimate object. If you get tripped up, that's usually a good indication that you should rework something. I am a major fan of run-ons, and that technique helps me catch most of them, though a few tend to slip by. Drat you run-ons!

The other thing I noticed is your use of description. In places, I think you use it effectively, in others, I think it could be improved. For instance, the paragraph where you describe the two boys at the street wasn't very interesting. I just skimmed it to be honest. The same goes for the mascara marks on Samantha's face and the lavender bedspread. These details are not very interesting because they have no affect on the plot or the characters. In the end, does it really matter how tall Josh is or what colour Sam's bedroom is? I would venture to guess not. These are the type of descriptions you want to try and avoid.

The kind of details you want to keep are those that tell us something about the plot or the characters involved. For example, Sam has a poster of Josh on her wall. Good. That shows the reader Sam's obsession with Josh. That detail tells us something about Samantha as a character. Your MC painted the room as a mother-daughter project. That tells us something about the nature of their relationship and how it has changed, these are the details you want to keep. In fact, I might expand on that scene a little, describe it. If we get a sense of what their interaction was like before, and what it is like now, we will be able to see the change, rather than your MC having to tell us it's different, it will just be implied.

When describing people and their outward appearance the same rule applies. You want details that tell us something about the character as a person. Maybe a big smile is the sign of an outgoing nature, or a fast, bouncy walk the sign of bubbly personality, maybe blonde tips show that someone likes to be at the beach a lot. All these details tell us something about the character and his or her personality, which is good. However, be careful not to overload one part of your piece with these type of details, intersperse them within your plot and your action. Otherwise, people might get bored.

One last little thing, and then I promise I will shut up. ^^ Your MC mentions quite a few times in this chapter that she understands, or alludes to the fact that she was hurt by Josh. It gets a tad repetitive. If you take out some of those allusions, or alternatively give us more tidbits of information about your MC's past when you do, I think it will really help your piece. Right now, it kind of just seems like your MC is repeating herself, and some folks may be like, "I get it already."

Spoiler

I was sixteen years old when it happened and when you are sixteen you believe that nothing can harm you.

This is a little awkward, especially for a first sentence. I would break it up into two sentences, and exchange the and for a period.

I pulled my phone out of the pocket of my jeans, to check to see if she was right and the following moment would become known to her as the one where she saw him first.

So this is a little awkward as well. I get what your trying to say, that Anna would forever lord it over Katie's head that she saw Josh first, but I don't think this is the best way to say that. Maybe something like, "Anna saw him first, and she never let me forget it"? I'm not sure, you can play around with it see what sounds best.

They glanced briefly at us as we approached#FF0000 ">. behind us, his #FF0000 ">Their gaze making us both blush profusely, before the walk signal lit up and the four of us made our way to school.

This is confusing for a couple of reasons. The behind us part is a little odd, maybe you meant "from behind'? I might just omit the entire phrase though. Also, first you have a plural pronoun (they), and then you have a singular pronoun (he). Which one is he? I might also split this into two sentences and play with the wording a bit, it's a little off.

I contemplated this as I stood outside of my teenage daughters bedroom door that she had just slammed right into my face.

I would consider changing the phrase "teenage daughter's" to "Sam's" because you have just used the former phrase in the sentence right before this one. Also, the "she had just slammed..." part is a little stilted. Maybe something like "Outside Sam's freshly-slammed bedroom door? Just something to think about.

So, those are the big things. I liked this piece, and enjoyed the dynamic between mother and daughter, I might just work on a few of the things I mentioned. You have such a fantastic premise! Feel free to PM me if you have any comments or questions.

Audrey

Hey there! Back for the second chapter!

Wow! Audrey really did a thorough review of your piece! She mentioned everything I would have.

For instance, I was born in '84 and I KNOW there weren't any cell phones like the one your MC was carting around.

That being said. Although I'm very intrigued with your story, because it's different from anything I've ever read, I'm having difficulty getting attached to the characters. There's nothing about them that makes them alive to me. Sam? Typical teenager. Katie and Anna? Typical hormone-frenzied teenagers. Their friends? Typical.

No one has quirks, or personalities. Nothing stands out. Your scenes are so very short that before we have time to get to know anyone, you've changed scenes again.

What I suggest to people to help them flesh out their characters is this: sit down and write the names of the people who surround you. Write down who they are. What quirks do they have? What about them stands out?

Do they despise peanut butter, love bananas?
DO they love snakes, hate spiders?
Do they have a fear of heights, but would love to bungee jump?
Do they have freckles, a scar?
Do they have big ears or small?

Everything you write about who they are determines who they are. The one with the big ears? Does she let her hair grow to cover them, without ever making a ponytail?

You see? It's these kinds of details that bring your characters alive to us readers because we can relate to them. Just keep that all in mind when you're writing. You could also fill in sheets with info about your characters.

One last thing, in the last chapter, your male protaganist was called Brent...now it's Josh?

Keep writing!

Tanya

Hey,
Here I am again by request; once again thanks for requesting a review, and I am so sorry it took me a while to get it to you. Now lets move on to the meat of your review:

I was sixteen years old when it happened and when you are sixteen you believe that nothing can harm you.

There should be a comma after happened because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

It went off late and that’s why I was so behind!”

There should be a comma after late because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

I just concentrated on walking quickly - I did not want to be late for French.

To combine two complete sentences without a conjunction use a semi-colon (;) not a dash.

Anna was always worried about people being mad at her - particularly for unjust reasons.

There should be a comma after her not a dash. avoid using dashes at all times unless it's in a compound word.

I pulled my phone out of the pocket of my jeans, to check to see if she was right and the following moment would become known to her as the one where she saw him first.

There should be a comma after right because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

The first had his back to us, he had dark hair and was taller and thinner than the other boy.

The comma after us should be a semi-colon because you are combining two complete sentences together.

They were talking, the tall boy laughed at something the boy opposite him said.

The comma after talking should be a semi-colon because you are combining two complete sentences together.

I was a teenager not too long ago and I remembered my teenage years a little more than I liked.

There should be a comma after ago because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

“Honey,” I knocked lightly on the door. “Please open up.”

There was nothing in this world that I wanted more than my daughters happiness and that was precisely why I got angry when I realized she had lied.

There should be a comma after happiness because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

When I had been driving to the grocery store and found Sam locking lips with some nameless, greasy teenage boy.

The word when at the beginning of this sentence is making it a fragment. Take it out.

I missed the days when I could tell her that boys were gross and she would believe me.

There should be a comma after gross because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

Sam’s room was baby blue, we’d painted it on her eleventh birthday as a sort of mother-daughter project gift.

The comma after blue should be a semi-colon because you are combining two complete sentences together.

I walked towards her lavander bed, we’d bought the sheets and blankets when we decorated her room.

The comma after bed should be a semi-colon because you are combining two complete sentences together.

The comforter had a purple floral pattern on it but Sam always said it looked more like stars.

There should be a comma after it because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction but.

And I was sorry, I guess pulling up next to her boyfriends car and demanding that he let her go was a little bit over the top.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction.

Overall: I love this, and I hope you post chapter three. When you do I will gladly review it just remind me! The story-line is breaking my heart. Kudos!

Have a great day, and if you need anything just ask,
Tiffany

Hi again! Sorry its taken me so long to get to this. Let's see then.

Line-By-Line

“Katie, I swear, it was my alarm's fault. It went off late and that’s why I was so behind!”

“Hey, who’s that?” Anna tapped my arm, her tone awed. I glanced up from my phone to see two boys standing at the crosswalk. The first had his back to us, he had dark hair and was taller and thinner than the other boy. They were talking, the tall boy laughed at something the boy opposite him said. The latter, while shorter, was still pretty tall by our standards. He had brown hair with wisps of blonde that seemed to be remnants from the summer. His skin was warm and tan, rich. His squarish face and strong jaw curved into a smile. [Nice description.]

“I don’t know but he is H-O-T, hot!” We both laughed at my corniness and walked over towards the boys where they waited at the curb. They glanced briefly at us as we approached behind us, [This part isn't making sense. Do you mean approached behind them?] his gaze making us both blush profusely, before the walk signal lit up and the four of us made our way to school.

It’s amazing how every teenage girl has the exact ear-wrenching, tortured-soul, you’re-ruining-my-life scream. I contemplated this as I stood outside of my teenage daughter's bedroom door that she had just slammed right into my face. [Nice transition from past to future. Very smooth.]

Of course I understand, [This should be understood.] but trying to tell her that would be futile. I was a teenager not too long ago and I remembered my teenage years a little more than I liked.

I let out a sigh. There was nothing in this world that I wanted more than my daughter's happiness and that was precisely why I got angry when I realized she had lied. When I had been driving to the grocery store and found Sam locking lips with some nameless, greasy teenage boy.

And I was sorry, I guess pulling up next to her boyfriend's car and demanding that he let her go was a little bit over the top.

“You are too young to be in love,” my tone was colder than I expected, quiet.

Characterisation

I'm still not really seeing enough individuality here. The characters could have been pulled from any book or movie screen. They're a typical daughter and mum pair. You need to give us more. What's the mother like? What are her hobbies, what are her secrets? Does she have a certain way of moving or is there something she does when she gets mad that's unusual or even ordinary. Does she cross her arms, put them on her hips, throw them in the air? Does she stand awkwardly in the doorway or hover over her daughter's bed? Or does she lay herself down on the floor? What makes her different to every other cliché mother figure out there?

Everyone acts in a slightly different way and its these characteristics that pick us out as who we are. I know that every one of my siblings handles being upset in a different way. My younger sister doesn't seem to get upset and she babbles about it in an irritable but also self pitying tone until she feels she's had ample attention. My brother storms into his room, slams things down, shuts the door. And then it's over. He storms a little but you go up there half an hour later and he's happily playing video games and whatever you did that was wrong is forgotten and forgiven. Unless it involved something important to him. Then he can be pretty stupid and will mess with your computer or do something slightly vindictive. He gets carried away. My younger sister holds grudges for a little longer but she's not entirely stubborn and as soon as you play the sad card she flips the other way and comes over to wheedle a forgiveness out of you. My older sister is more private about it but once she's dealt with it on her own terms, she'll talk about it quietly and rationally. She's perhaps the most stubborn and strong and she's rarely the one to apologise but when she does, she's the most sincere of the three.

I've given you a lot of details there but that's only one side of their reaction to one emotion. People are wonderfully detailed. All sorts of little things effect how we react or which side of our personality shines through. You need to sit down and really get to know your characters, even if it's finding out things that you don't intend to share with your reader. Every little detail you know about them will help you plan out what they do throughout your novel.

I'll leave you with that to think on through now since I think that's what needs the most work,

Heather xxx

Hi,

Hello again! Shall we get started? Uh, there was much confusion here for me. I just figured out what the mother's age is. You added description. which is good, but you were still lacking severely. I still do not know what mom and daughter look like. So, I am waiting to see. I am already 'lust-at-first-sight'-ing with this story! HA, I used a refrence. Anyways, this is really good and I really like it. There were a lot of grammatical errors, but, hey, we aren't perfect! I found the transition between past and present was kind of bumpy and lost. I think you could have said something somewhere in there tomake it a little more smooth. That's my opinion, though. Anyways, time to read onward on my noble steed! Good job!

Farewell,
A.