Leper

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She said she'd worry. She told me how wrung out her hands would be, white wrinkled skin simply slick with concern, cold and clammy. She told me how she would lay awake in bed, wondering whether her son would come home, if he was alive at all-- I left anyways.

The city is a cold place. I didn't notice when I first moved, with my cardboard box cramping my fingers, my head ducked and smirk stuck. But the cold creeps through all the little cracks in my skin: the lines of my palms, the creases in my elbows, the wrinkles on my wrists, the bend behind my knees-- I felt it after about three months, when I was sleeping outside, shivering through my clothes and all the memories of a worried mother, her tired hands, her shadow lined eyes. Watching my own hands, I saw how much more tired they were than hers, how much more tired they'd become in the past month than they had in twenty-four years. I watched them peel and crack away into an older man's hands, grime and corroded skin, like I'd been rotting in the alleyways, in the small warmth I could find next to a gutter, in the quiet memories and soft tears that made me only colder--

I started writing.

It was mumbles, crumbles of words into a flow that I spoke to brick walls and dumpsters. I soaked my skin into syllables and broke open into large calls to passerbys, wide eyes and curiosity and fear from the scraggly beard and chapped hands, a wind-screamed face, a bundle of rags hanging from my waist. I rattled off rhythm and carried myself to a place of peace and literature and I ate my words and slept inside my rhymes, and I tried to keep warm, tired hands tied to my chest like an anchor. I carried corded celtic knots of letters to strangers and they fell away from me like I was diseased, like literature from my lips was leprosy, a 12 point spoken font that carried past starving gums and broken teeth, like my innards were less than human, and I pleaded with them: let me teach you the ways of the streets, the beats of a businessman's shoes who forgets that I have a mother at home, worrying if I am alive, who hears my mumble crumble words and scurries to his car.

Let me teach you how to live off the taste of a word, how to keep warm in the sound of your own voice, cracked and broken as it may have become. And let me teach you, quiet as you may be, a leper of literature and loneliness, that there is a way to find yourself in memories of a better time, hands of a younger man, of a mother who knows that you live. It is not in the beat of a businessman's shoes, or the quite click snack of a woman's heels; it is not in the siren of a child's wail, or the hiss hush of a mother's shush. It is in the beat of a chest drumming against bone, in the beat of breath drawn between words like these, in the pulse of a hand that is rich enough to write on paper. It is in the wealth and the poverty and the brokenness that people are. It is how they find themselves speaking into mumbles and crumbles, tones that turn helplessness and hunger into a home, a place for resting weariness and an anchor: tired hands tied to a breastbone. It is in the fire of a lung tired from talking, who doesn't know how to do anything else.
Last edited by catscratch on Fri Jun 17, 2011 4:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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First of all I have to say this is amazing! I love your poetic writing style and the way you can almost hear the narrator speaking to you.
I have a few little nitpicks:

I left anyways

This should just be 'anyway' without the 's'.

my carboard box in my cramped fingers

I didn't quite understand this phrase. I'm not entirely sure what you were going for but my suggestion is: 'my cramped body in my cardboard box'.

But the cold creeps through all the little cracks in your skin: the lines in your palms, the creases in your elbows, the wrinkles of your wrists, the bend behind your knees-- I felt it after about three months, when I was sleeping outside, shivering through my clothes and all the memories of a worried mother, her tired hands, her shadow lined eyes.

This sentence seems very long and it could easily be cut into two sentences if you replaced the '--' after 'knees' with a full stop. I think this would make it sound more dramatic as well.

Well that's all the criticism I have because I really loved this! Great work, I look forward to reading more!
-Megan
~Una palabra no dice nada y al mismo tiempo lo esconde todo~ Carlos Varela




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I like the poetic writing style too, and agree with Megan about the other things. I just want to put in my two cents about the word "anyways". I guess it doesn't really matter, but I like it with the s. To me it highlights how he's throwing caution to the wind. It also sounds nice. It fits. It balances out an otherwise very serious and polite paragraph. Good contrast. It made the voice of the narrator more appealing to me.

I really liked the descriptions about the words and creases and crumbling and all that. It was very, very good. Your words sound so good together. The rhyming and the repetition and the way it carried the reader right through all the sentences, just blending one into another. I was kind of disappointed, though, that the point of the story is just to revel in words. I really wish the narrator did more, 'cause I would love to read about it. I think it's often easy for this type of writing to get stuck dwelling on itself. I was really hoping, as I read this, that it would reach farther than that.

Anyway-- I love your style! So, yeah. <3!



But even the worst decisions we make don't necessarily remove us from the circle of humanity.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore