Bear, Swan, 1984

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Prompt: Your story is about an artist in 1984 forgetting names.

/

I cannot, for the life of me, recall your name.
The swan frightens the bear away by spreading its wings, an uppercut of white that is full of imperial bone. I am finding it most difficult to paint the feathers—the intimate detail of barb, vane, crest. Feathers we used to collect together in Maine, which fell beside creeks attuned and always within in hearing distance, as the premonition of a mother. The feathers we found were the sorest proofs of a creation, and the prettiest among them signaled dusk, Indian passion, and by looking at the feathers of smoke-laked herons, I knew why the components of nature inspire spells, witchcraft, and potions—little pagan prayers that we could somehow control the beauty, or at least the fear of woods, which is never the fear of forests, but a fear of lost children, axes, horses between the trees that remember the death of a brother.
It is not even half done, and I have already had two offers on it, as it is.
The bear is heavy, a boulder of trout-gashed rapids, and whenever a bear is frightened, it breaks my heart, because I am certainly no braver than a bear and so what does that mean for us if we should cower at the wingspan of a swan.
This is not the first time I have forgotten your name.
The last time, there was a house on fire, and I was almost naked on the lawn at night. Because it was January, and because the ice factories were cutting away boxcars of up-country glaciers to ship on freighters to Panama, there was nothing for me to do but stand close to the house and keep from freezing in the dark until the fire crews came. I was convinced you were in the house, on the second floor, but I couldn't recollect your name to call it. It was on the tip of my tongue. I could taste it and it tasted like the feeling of good rope, snow beneath pine, unmanly wisteria.
I wanted a pentacle of flame, a heron's feather, and to call out your name like a spell or a devil.
The wood yearning, twisting, sawing aside like the horse for a bride.
I have painted a little wisteria, which is a flower beautiful for its trajectory and spillage, for how helpless and languid it is in its beauty, as boyhood infatuation.
The word escapes me. There is a word for this, but it is obscured by woods. It is a word used by sons, princes, twins. The swan beats water and the bear rears up like a barn-raising, the water is a burial with stones, you love the swan's neck, looping like the blood and the rope of a condemned man, but there is pity for the bear, too. I wish I was more Indian, so that I would have beautiful legends about bears and aspen, and the haughty swan, and perhaps the river, which holds the root of language and all names.
When it is finished, it will hang in a gallery.
In the woods, there is a lost child. But no one is lost unless you have forgotten their name, and cannot call it to startle the ground birds or listen for a response to it as red leaves rumble the pace of bears.
The swan is beneath the wisteria.
There is pity for the bear.
The house is good and warms even in death.
I am aware of life, and ice in Maine.
But it is hard to remember the name of something you have always wanted to lose.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Hello Kylan
For such a simple prompt, you've done well for yourself. It's not the direction I would have taken it, as it seems you chose to build metaphors instead of plot. And build metaphors you did, quite well. However, the last line,
But it is hard to remember the name of something you have always wanted to lose.
confuses me. The artist seems to express sadness, or at least regret, for not being able to recall the name. And then the final line contradicts that idea. Perhaps it was just me, but could you please explain that last line a bit?




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Kylan, you're good. You know this. But this piece is... frankly, almost disappointing from you. It's still wonderfully done, don't get me wrong, but personally, I wouldn't consider it up to par with the rest of your work. Your tone starts in lucidity and suddenly gallops away into poetry; not prose-poetry, but poetry in itself with your rhythm, your diction, the way your structure slowly dissolves into connecting words and concepts that clamber over each other and slowly start to intimidate the reader. Not intimidate in a challenging manner, either, but more like the piece itself feels so unfocused at some points even though the tone and ideas are so similar and concentrated.

There are so many unnecessary parts in this-- while some of them are wonderful, lend a great tone and some nice concepts that I think you should keep, there are parts that can definitely be made more concise or cut altogether. Okay, look, I don't know if this makes sense, but this is how I picture it: there seems to be one large, weighty anchor in your focus, which is good, but rather than having little barnacles and plants growing off of it, it's suddenly being swallowed up by a field of anchors, all attached by chains to this one anchor and it just... gets to be much too much.

Now, seeing that my prose is worse than awful, I'm obviously not a go-to person for a critique on it, but there you are. The ideas are wonderful, language is wonderful, but... it could use some toning down. Regardless, good work.




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I'm sorry, but I disagree with Persephoneia. If this is "almost disappointing" for your work, then I want to read lots more. I am generally more of a poetry person than a prose person, but (she said this and I agree) this did have parts that were more poetry than prose. And anyway, I loved this! It was brilliant. I didn't miss the plot, because your metaphors were so wonderful. The language you used was so vivid and it seemed to flow so easily from you. That said, if the others don't think it's good for you, then what do I know? I'm a poetry person anyway. Your points didn't always make sense, but it doesn't seem like they were supposed to. Who cares? Well, I don't at least. I liked the mysterious elements in this. I can't tell you how much I loved this, I just can't. Never, ever stop writing! ;)
~Please review me~
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I read it. And it was good- very good.

I hope to reach your calibre of prose someday, or even surpass it. Everything flowed well, and seemed to pull me in, though at times it felt sluggish and dead and too vague. This piece is supposed to be vague, though, so who cares?

The sluggishness, however, could have been nixed. Some of your observations were a bit redundant. Take a paragraph like this, in which the ideas are extracted:

The word escapes me (longing for the "word"). There is a word for this, but it is obscured by woods (longing for the "word"). It is a word used by sons, princes, twins (longing for the "word"). The swan beats water and the bear rears up like a barn-raising, the water is a burial with stones, you love the swan's neck, looping like the blood and the rope of a condemned man, but there is pity for the bear, too (longing for the things of this "word"). I wish I was more Indian, so that I would have beautiful legends about bears and aspen, and the haughty swan, and perhaps the river, which holds the root of language and all names (longing for the things of this "word").


Of course, your redundancy was well-hidden by your flowery language, which was superb!

Another observation: Your prompt (or at least your interpretation of your prompt) may have been too narrow to generate many ideas.

Keep writing!




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This was a good short story, and I enjoyed reading it. The descriptions were beautiful! It did seem a little more poetic at times, but I love poetry.
I got a little confused at some parts with what was going on, like maybe it was too vague. It made me curious too, made me want to keep reading.
Overall, I think it was a really good short story. (It's not like I could do any better.) I hope this helps! I don't really know what else to say.
WE ARE DAUGHTERS of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him.




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My first impression was simply: “Even though I did not like it, it was still an exemplary piece of writing.” Challenging prose is often unsympathetic to popular opinion, which is why so little store should ever be set upon it.

As a sloth and savage audience I instinctively felt fractious, indignant at the prospect of text which expected more of me than a cursory once-over. “What the %#@* is this?” I thought. “Why do I care about some pretentious dumb &^%# who can’t remember his girlfriend’s name in the middle of a fire?” But I realized half a second later that- if I was gratified with the mainstream “clarity” the baser part of my subconscious latently craved, the piece would completely lose all sense of speaker, style, and purpose. It would be stripped of the very qualities which gave it disquiet, passion, and direction. I could and should be able to appreciate the deliberate quality of the language without bitterly pining for my popular bias. I found myself suddenly admiring the things which formerly irritated. After all why write a manic piece with restraint? Why minimize pandemonium when maximum pandemonium is aim? You repeat and repeat and repeat. You drown me in a deluge of metaphor. You beat me over the head with melodrama. Yet you satisfy your prompt with vim. You have written a beautiful short story.

At best your piece resembled a passage by Tim O’Brien. At worst your piece resembled a passage by Tim O’Brien. (I loved the main bit with the swan and the bear.)

You were also a little unintentionally hilarious. My sense of suspended disbelief went completely out the window when your speaker was incapable of screaming even the most perfunctory “Hey, What’s-Your-Face are you OKAY!?” into the roaring blaze. It brought Adventures in Alzheimers, 1984 to mind. It was very absurd, even though you probably meant it more metaphorically than literally. It didn’t read that way. I kind of liked it. It was funny. Although I thought MacBeth was a comedy. (I think everything is a comedy.)

Good job, Kid.



Bring something incomprehensible into the world!
— Gilles Deleuze