Notice me, then love.

Spoiler

This is a true love poem, yes i really do like someone. This is a free verse and obviously i suck at poems so just give me maybe better words to put in or just rephrase the whole thing Any help woulde be appreciated.Please don't bother correcting punctuation.

I watch as the sun rays shine on your smooth skin
Majestic, still cannot describe
The beauty you hold for me.

I know you don't feel as such
Reminding myself just brings pain
As I see you all feelings of doubt disappear
And I am left believing,
We belong together and fate would soon support.

Experiencing the most beautiful sunset,
The orange red and purple blended and scattered across the open sky
Would still would bring my thoughts back to you
I can never compare anything to you.

I spend nights thinking about you
How it would feel to have you in my arms
Never to leave
and whisper how much you mean to me.

But reality pushes in with a force
When I see you laugh with your friends
I wish I was the one being rewarded a laugh like that.

You are my hearts desire,
though I may not act
I pray every night that someday you would notice me
That maybe someday
It would be you and me against the world.

<3

Well, Hello there! I'm June! It's been a bit of a while since I've reviewed something without only being a critic and I can be pretty harsh sometimes, so bear with me.

I watch as the sun rays shine on your smooth skin

Sooo, the problem I am having with this opening is that it doesn't do anything exciting for me. This is how you would /talk/ to someone about this, but in writing, you have the freedom to describe it with flashy words of your own perspective.

Sun rays reflect off of shiny-ness, so I think what you need here is to clarify that, because it sounds like sun rays are radiating from the person's skin, ooh.

I know you don't feel as such
Reminding myself just brings pain
As I see you all feelings of doubt disappear
And I am left believing,
We belong together and fate would soon support.

k

Also, I think it's really good that you've attempted to put these feelings to words, but! Like this, it feels like you're talking. There's nothing poetic, nothing that stands out to me among these words as unique, and for that, I don't want to keep reading. In poetry, if you're not aiming for a structure of rhyme or meter or anything, well, structured, you can hold the reader's interest by making a picture out of the words, or painting a scenario or dredging up emotion from the reader. Give it to us in words other than how you'd tell us in casual conversation. Bring originality and creativity to the table, dear.

Experiencing the most beautiful sunset,
The orange red and purple blended and scattered across the open sky
Would still would bring my thoughts back to you
I can never compare anything to you.

The description of the sky here is a perrrfect example of where you can expand on description. Blended and scattered are decent, but you can give us more in how the sky feels, because for all we care it could be oil pastel picasso'd onto canvas.

Another important thing in poetry is connecting your thoughts. Throughout this poem, I had the feel that they were very unconnected and choppy, and I had trouble focusing on it because of that. I think you should make each of your lines more fluid, by joining them through one another through connecting phrases and ideas.


Finally! Poems about love, no matter what type, are so common a topic that it becomes cliche! I, however, think that a poem about love could flourish if presented originally, and I don't feel that you've done that here. I think you need to give us fresh, vibrant metaphors and descriptions, and you can really make this poem come to life.

June

Hi there. I'm confused by your spoiler. You don't want the reviewers to comment about punctuation or did you mean that you wouldn't mind comments about punctuation? o.o

Anyway, nitpicks:

I know you don't feel as such

- I don't get what you mean here.

As I see you all feelings of doubt disappear

- Put a comma after 'you'.

and fate would soon support.

- The 'support' there seems awkwardly used.

Would still would bring my thoughts back to you

- Put a question mark at the end.

How it would feel to have you in my arms
Never to leave
and whisper how much you mean to me.

- I love these lines.

You are my hearts desire,

- There should be an apostrophe after 't' in 'hearts'.

I pray every night that someday you would notice me
That maybe someday
It would be you and me against the world.

- o.o This is a really powerful ending for me.


I like this poem. Not that much though. It feels messy for me. You need to learn how to use punctuation too so that your works would be neater. The flow of some of the thoughts (lines) are messy too. I like the sweetness in the poem though. And I like poems about crushes 'cause I can relate pretty well. xD I don't get to read much of these poems. There are a lot on relationships and love but I don't think there are many that are about crushes like this one.

Never stop writing!

i thought ur poem colud use a little more description, but it was good and i will give you my props.
keep writing

Hey summerlovely!

Okay, so this poem! It was mostly about this guy not noticing you and how you yearned for him, right? That definitely sucks... I hate having to be put in that position.

Now, about the poem... to add a bit more emotional depth and everything, try to add more details about who he is and why you want to be close to him. So, right now you state several times that you want to be close to him, and that's great! But the thing is, why is he this important for you? And the reason why this would be important is that we, as the readers, are like, "Hmm... this is an interesting relationship!" An unrequited love, if you will. And we're wondering what the foundation of this is. Is it based on lust (which is not really a strong foundation and it would probably lead to more heartbreak than not) or is based on real love... and if so, how was this real love kindled into something big, and why isn't it more than what it is? By knowing this, we can relate to the poem better. If it's lust... well, most everybody wants sex, or at least sexual tension one time or another, so we can sympathize that way. If this is real love, however, and the connection is unfulfilled, it can offer a more tragic dimension.

Anyway! Just a couple of thoughts from me to you!

Thankyou everyone I REALLY REALLY appreciate it!!! I will fix it if I wasn't busy studying for exams :l I will fix it though and keep all your comments in mind! THANKYOU <3