Dismay

Spoiler

Everyone has a moment where they suddenly feel so disappointed as they discover the worst thing they could ever hear. You know that moment where your heart just sinks and you fall into a dark place. This is about that moment and how I define the feelings that you feel.

My heart sinks in absolute dismay,
my confidence falling from my heart.
The happiness I once felt,
washed out of me and seeping away.

All my efforts gone to waste,
everything seems pointless.
I struggle to fight the tears,
that are pushing out of my eyes.

My thoughts turning into blurs,
shadowing anything that is good.
My hands start trembling,
I had thought for once I was on top.

I fall into a cold, dark place,
if only I cry, if only...

Maybe pride falling from the heart is a good thing! I find that pride makes us do a lot of stupid things that we, in a more sensible mind, would never do.

Anyway, this poem seems to be more about handling failure! Except, the narrator isn't very good at handling failure. Anyway, one thing that I noticed was this poem seems to be very generic. It's one of those one-size-fits-all sorts of poem but... well... you can make it so much better by using your own personalized touches and bringing in more of your life here. Everybody has failures (in fact, my uncle once said that you're living a very successful life if you only succeed 70% of the time... and he's pretty successful!) so if you could just use some of your failures here, it would be awesome. And, strangely enough, by using your own personalized experiences, you'll actually make this more relatable for people when they read this poem! Right now, by making it so generic, people don't really want to put themselves in the position where they can relate, however, if you are more specific, they'll be more likely to say, "Oh, wow, I can see myself in her shoes completely!" So, just FYI.

And yeah... it's kind of embarrassing. But the cool thing about writing is you get to hide behind your paper and pen when you write this sort of stuff.

Hello there.

Nitpicks:

All my efforts gone to waste,
everything seems pointless.

- I think it should be a period, a dash, or a semi-colon after 'waste'.

I struggle to fight the tears,

- I don't think the comma after 'tears' is necessary.

My hands start trembling,

- I think it should be a period after 'trembling'.

I fall into a cold, dark place,
if only I cry, if only...

- Nice ending. I don't understand the use of 'if' there though.


First of all, the title and the topic of the poem is cliché. Well, I actually didn't think about that until I skimmed through Snoink's review so blame her. xD But I really do agree with what she said. Losing pride seems to be a good thing too.

Anyway, I like this poem. I can feel the emotion coming out from the persona. The little bits of imagery there are good too. I also like the rhymes and the wording. I don't know about the simplicity of the poem though. I think it's one of the things that make it look generic. There doesn't seem to be enough 'special touches'. I hope you can work on that.

Never stop writing!

Great emotion in this one

This really needs better flow though. I have lots of poems that, when I wrote them, I had so much emotion in me that it just pored out and the flow is messed up because of it. But the emotion is really great so try not to change that part of it too much, 'kay?
Also, in the first stanza, the first two lines use heart twice. It makes it sound kind of repetitive, see if you can switch some words around so you don't have to use it twice in a stanza.

Otherwise it's pretty good

Keep writing,
Alzora

Hey JackRussel,

I really enjoyed your poem; it superbly conveyed dismay, your targeted emotion. I think it has the potential to be much more evokative, though. This is just a friendly suggestion, but your poem would benifit greatly from additional imagery. Unfortunatly poems like this are done quite frequently, which is mostly fine because it is such a broad and accessable topic, but it means that you need to find your own niche--something that makes your poem stand out.

The first stanza is absolutley excellent because of the consistency of the falling imagery (highlighted below in red)

My heart sinks in absolute dismay,
my pride falling from my heart.
The happiness I once felt,
washed out of me and seeping away.

One thing you could try is expanding this so that it is consitent throughout the entire poem. Another thing you could do, of course, is add more tangable imagery. Great poem though--a pleasure to read

Hello there. :3

Nitpicks:

CuteJackRussell wrote:My heart sinks in absolute dismay,
my pride falling from my heart.
The happiness I once felt,
washed out of me and seeping away.

This is a perfectly nice stanza and a good start for a poem. But the problem in it lies in the tense of it. It’s a mixture of both past and present. Keep them in one single tense. Like if you keep the first line as it is, then change the second line to: my pride falls from my heart. And in the last line, seeping away isn’t the correct thing to be there. Let it be: and it seeped away.

CuteJackRussell wrote:My thoughts turning into blurs,
shadowing anything that is good.
My hands start trembling,
I had thought for once I was on top.

Here again the tense is a bit of a problem. You see in the second line you mix up both the tenses together. Shadowing anything that is good just does not sound that good. I think it should be: “shadowing anything that once was good.” The last line is understandable but the words just don’t seem to sound good along this way.

CuteJackRussell wrote:I fall into a cold, dark place,
if only I cry, if only...

I don’t understand why you added these lines and neither can I understand what they mean. But well, it’s your poem and it’s yours to command. And avoid the usage of ellipsis.

I liked this poem but you need to emphasize a bit more on the punctuations. A little bit more! I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.

I can feel the dismay of the speaker about failure. Well actually, I can relate to your poem. I had faced many failures in my life and... and... Anyway, Just like what the other said, it is kinda generic an a cliche. (hehe... sorry).

My heart sinks in absolute dismay,
my pride falling from my heart.
The happiness I once felt,
washed out of me and seeping away.

Struggling with tenses?

All in all it's nice to read a poem where you can relate to