vengeance (chapter seven)

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Chapter seven

As we made our way to the centre of the forest, the attacks became more frequent. Wave after wave of blue tribals flung themselves without fear at us. Some held clubs made from large bones, and others carried spears as long as two metres, carved from tree branches. Many of them used bark for armor, which my sword pierced with ease, but others were entirely naked.

At last, after what felt like hours, but was only about twenty minutes, we made it to the forest's centre. Before us stood a massive tree, which was too large for words to describe. It had no branches until about twenty five metres up, but its bark was rough and spiky, which provided hand holds for climbing.

"How are you holding up?" Dean asked, biting his lip.

"I'm fine, keep trying to slow the poison, I'm okay on my own in combat."

"Alright, hang in there Duncan."


We were just about to start climbing the tree, for Sarah was sure that it was this tree that held the Spirit, when more than thirty attackers fell from the surrounding trees. My vision blurred slightly and then returned to normal. The poison was not only killing me, but affecting my senses.


The twins were proving to be useful, felling foe after foe, occasionally switching to their crossbows to pierce armored enemies. Sarah was also holding her own, throwing handfuls of pain inducing sparks at anyone who came near her. I focused my attention on the task at hand. Dodging a spear thrust, I flung myself at the attacker, trying to get too close for him to spear me. His blood sprayed from his neck as I put my full weight into a sword swing. It dotted my shirt, and mingled with the paint he wore, turning it purple. The smell of sweat, blood, and jungle plants pervaded our noses, and the air was filled with war cries, and screams.


At last, we slaughtered the final wave, and began to climb the tree. The fear of falling from the tree to my death was overridden by the fear of death by poison. Dean occasionally gave me bursts of strength which I used to pull myself up, but he mainly focused on boosting my immune system to combat the toxic fluid now flowing through my veins. The climbing got easier as the branches became more frequent, and eventually, we reached a platform made of wooden planks. The platform surrounded the tree and went out about fifteen metres from the trunk. On the trunk, there was an ancient looking wooden door, which presumably led to a hollowed out room on the inside of the massive tree. To our dismay, we were not alone on the platform, which must have been more than forty metres in the air. I wondered how anyone else could have gotten up here, as it took us about fifteen minutes of arduous climbing, during which Sarah and I almost fell about three times.


Standing in two parallel lines leading up to the door, were around twenty of the blue freaks who had attacked us mercilessly on our way to the tree. They were laying down, as if bowing to some unseen god. Standing directly between the four of us and the door was a seven foot tall suit of armor. Covered head to toe in gold trimmed steel armor, it was impossible to tell what it was that inhabited the armor, and although it was shaped like a man, we rethought that assumption when it talked.

"I am The Guardian of Mazama, proceed no further." Its voice was deep and metallic, and sounded terrifyingly inhuman.

"Get out of our way!" shouted one of the twins, aiming his crossbow.

"Fool! Your weapon does not frighten me," taunted The Guardian. The twins responded with two crossbow bolts to the face, which bounced off his thick armor, sending sparks flying, and filling the air with a metallic clang. The Guardian charged, unsheathing an incredibly large sword, that was almost as tall as he was. Having little room to dive out of the way on such a small platform, the twins froze in indecision. Sarah acted quickly to distract The Guardian, by tossing a large handful of powder at him, that quickly ignited into a plume of flame. He was unharmed, but ceased his charge in order to slam his massive hand into Sarah's chest at full force. She slid across the wooden platform swiftly, hanging on to the edge for dear life, as her body hung out above empty space for more than a hundred feet down. My vision blurred again, and for several seconds I saw stars.


When my vision returned, I looked back to see what had happened to Sarah. The twins were helping her up, and as I turned back toward the trunk of the tree, I only had a split second to wonder where The Guardian was. As it turned out, he was mere metres away from me, and I dived quickly to the left. His foot shook the platform, landing where I had been split seconds before. I rolled to evade his sword, which stabbed heavily into the wooden plank slightly to my right. Executing a shoulder roll between his legs, I slashed forcefully at the armor directly behind his kneecaps. The sound of the impact reverberated loudly, sounding less like a clang, and more like a bass drum to my distorted hearing. Once again the world around me began to spin, and as I leapt to the right, I prayed that I would be able to evade the enemy I now could not see.


Luckily, the sword swung at the area I had been moments before, shaving large splinters from the wooden floor, and cooling my forehead with a breeze. When the world stopped rotating, and my vision snapped back to its normal state, I began to see sparks flying in every which direction. Some of them were due to the powder that Sarah was chucking violently at The guardian, and others because of the crossbow bolts ricocheting off his almost impregnable armor. I seized this opportunity to attack. With a running start, I leapt agilely onto his gargantuan back, plunging my sword into the narrow break in his armor between his helmet and his breastplate. The blade stuck through the other side of his neck, and after letting out a terrifying roar, he fell to the ground with a crash. I landed on top of him heavily, and for a moment simply laid there on my stomach, listening to my breathing, which was unnaturally fast. Sarah and the twins rushed over to me, wearing concerned looks on their dirty faces. I sat up slowly and painfully, my heart pounding at my chest like a sledge hammer.

"Duncan! Are you okay!?" Sarah said quickly, laying her hand over my overly warm forehead.

"I'm fine, but I don't have much time left do I?"

"No, we have to hurry."

We all looked back towards the ancient wooden door as I climbed to my feet. I pulled my sword from the neck of the creature I had just slain, pulling off its helmet out of curiosity. A bald reptilian face with a bearlike teeth protruding from its mouth stared dully at the ground with eyes as grey as storm clouds. The blood on my sword was a light shade of purple.


The twenty blue men still laid prostrate in a two lines, having not moved at all over the course of the fight. I expected them to jump up and attack us, but they seemed more concerned with paying homage to an unseen entity, and didn't ever move. Sarah gave me instructions as I limped weakly towards the door, fatigued from the poison and the recent ordeal.


"Here's what you're going to have to do. Go in, and address him by name to get his attention. then make the request to be cured of your poisoning. If he senses any fear, any insecurity, any emotion but confidence, he will kill you on the spot. He can read your aura, so you need to have an air of boldness about you, in the way you talk, walk, everything. Oh and one more thing, don't break eye contact with him once he looks at you, or he'll think you see him as a superior."


She put her hands on my shoulders, and looked into my eyes for a few seconds. Sadness and worry was written all over her face.

"Good luck Duncan."

"Thanks."


I needed to prepare myself for the challenge ahead of me, which seemed impossible, and incredibly easy at the same time. All I had to do was be confident. The sound of drums surprised me, and I looked up to find several of the blue men playing bongo drums with their palms. The tribal beat got gradually faster as I approached the door, almost matching my racing heartbeat. I got to it and stopped, as Dean said a few words.

"You've got this Duncan, I know you can do this, just focus and you'll be fine." I nodded stoically.


Alright Duncan, be confident. I thought to myself. I can do this. I have everything under control. I'll just go in there and make my demand. I'll show this Spirit who's boss.
With my silent pep talk and Dean's encouraging words, I opened the door, not knowing what I would face on the other side.
if anyone wants a review, post on my profile and I'll get to it in a couple days.




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How about a review? This looks interesting :)


Spoiler
As we made our way to the centre of the forest, the attacks became more frequentincreasingly frequent sounds better. Wave after wave of blue tribals fearlessly flung themselves without fear (remove these two words) at us. Some held clubs made (how about 'crafted'?) from large bones, and others carried spears as long as two metres, carved from tree branches. Many of them used bark for armor, which my sword pierced with ease, but others were entirely naked.

At last, after what felt like hours, but was only about twenty minutesunnecessary, we made it to the forest's centre. Before us stood a massive tree, which was too large for words to describe. It had no branches until about twenty five metres up, but its bark was rough and spiky, which 'and' is better provided hand holds for climbing.

"How are you holding up?" Dean asked, biting his lip.

"I'm fine, keep trying to slow the poison, I'm okay on my own in combat."

"Alright, hang in there Duncan."


We were just about to start climbing the tree, for Sarah was sure that it was this tree that held the Spirita bit clumsy; Try : for Sarah was sure this tree held the Spirit, when more than thirty attackers fell from the surrounding trees. My vision blurred slightly and then returned to normaltry 'blurred slightly before returning to normal . The poison was not only killing me, but affecting my senses.

I think you should describe their attack a little more. It looks too much like a summary. You may want to describe the characters' feelings when they get attacked


The twins were proving to be useful, felling foe after foe, occasionally switching to their crossbows to pierce armored enemies. Sarah was also holding her own, throwing handfuls of pain inducing sparks at anyone who came near her. I focused my attention on the task at hand. Dodging a spear thrust, I flung myself at the attacker, trying not to get too close for him to spear me. His blood sprayed from his neck as I put my full weight into a sword swing. It dotted my shirt, and mingled with the paint he wore, turning it purple. The smell of sweat, blood, and jungle plants pervaded our noses, and the air was filled with war cries,off with that comma! and screams.


At last, we slaughtered the final wave, and began to climb the tree.Maybe a little casual, don't you think? Imagine telling someone: 'So I killed these three guys and went home' Trust me, I've never tried, but when you kill someone, it never leaves you the same. The fear of falling from the tree to my death was overridden by the fear of death by poison. Dean occasionally gave me bursts of strength which I used to pull myself up, but he mainly focused on boosting my immune system to combat the toxic fluid now flowing through my veins. The climbing got easier as the branches became more frequent 'frequent' is mostly for time. Try 'abundant', and eventually, we reached a platform made of wooden planks. The platform surrounded the tree and went out about fifteen metres from the trunk. On the trunk, there was an ancient looking wooden door, which presumably led to a hollowed out room on the inside of the massive tree. To our dismay, we were not alone on the platform, which must have been more than forty metres in the air. I wondered how anyone else could have gotten up here 'reached this place' is more elegant, as it took us about fifteen minutes of arduous climbing, during which Sarah and I almost fell about three times.


Standing in two parallel lines leading up to the door, were around twenty of the blue freaksthat's teenage language who had attacked us mercilessly put mercilessly before 'attacked us' on our way to the tree. They were laying down, as if bowing to some unseen godgods are rarely seen). Standing directly between the four of us and the door was a seven foot tall suit of armor. Covered head to toe in gold trimmed steel armor, it was impossible to tell what it was that inhabited the armor, and although it was shaped like a man, we rethought that assumption when it talked.

"I am The Guardian of Mazama, proceed no further." Its voice was deep and metallic, and sounded terrifyingly inhuman.

"Get out of our way!" shouted one of the twins, aiming his crossbow.

"Fool! Your weapon does not frighten me," taunted The Guardian. The twins responded with two crossbow bolts to the face, which bounced off his thick armor, sending sparks flying, and filling the air with a metallic clang. The Guardian charged, unsheathing an incredibly large sword, that was almost as tall as he was. Having little room to dive out of the way on such a small platform, the twins froze in indecision. Sarah acted quickly to distract The Guardian, by tossing a large handful of powder at him, that quickly ignited into a plume of flame. He was unharmed, but ceased his charge in order to slam 'and slammed'his massive hand into Sarah's chest at full force. She slid across the wooden platform swiftly, hanging on to the edge for dear life, as her body hung out above empty space for more than a hundred feet down. My vision blurred again, and for several seconds I saw stars. I saw stars for several seconds


When my vision returned, I looked back to see what had happened to Sarah. The twins were helping her up, and as I turned back toward the trunk of the tree, I only had a split second to wonder where The Guardian was. As it turned out, he was mere metres away from me, and I dived quickly to the left. His foot shook the platform, landing where I had been split seconds before. I rolled to evade his sword, which stabbed heavily into the wooden plank slightly to my right. Executing a shoulder roll between his legs, I slashed forcefully at the armor directly behind his kneecaps. The sound of the impact reverberated loudly, sounding less like a clang, and more like a bass drum to my distorted hearing. Once again the world around me began to spin, and as I leapt to the right, I prayed that I would be able to evade the enemy I now could not see.


Luckily, the sword swung at the area I had been moments before, shaving large splinters from the wooden floor, and cooling my forehead with a breeze. When the world stopped rotating, and my vision snapped back to its normal state, I began to see sparks flying in every which take that offdirection. Some of them were due to the powder that Sarah was chucking violently at The guardian, and others because of the crossbow bolts ricocheting off his almost impregnable armor. I seized this opportunity to attack. With a running start, I leapt agilely onto his gargantuan back, plunging my sword into the narrow break in his armor between his helmet and his breastplate. The blade stuck through the other side of his neck, and after letting out a terrifying roar, he fell to the ground with a crash. I landed on top of him heavily, and for a moment simply laid there on my stomach, listening to my breathing, which was unnaturally fast. Sarah and the twins rushed over to me, wearing concerned looks on their dirty faces. I sat up slowly and painfully, my heart pounding at my chest like a sledge hammer.

"Duncan! Are you okay!?" Sarah said quickly, laying her hand over my overly warm forehead.

"I'm fine, but I don't have much time left do I?"

"No, we have to hurry."

We all looked back towards the ancient wooden door as I climbed to my feet. I pulled my sword from the neck of the creature I had just slain, pulling off its helmet out of curiosity. A bald reptilian face with a bearlike teeth protruding from its mouth stared dully at the ground with eyes as grey as storm clouds. The blood on my sword was a light shade of purple.


The twenty blue men still laid prostrate in a two lines, having not moved at all not having moved at allover the course of the fight. I expected them to jump up and attack us, but they seemed more concerned with paying homage to an unseen entity, and didn't ever move. Sarah gave me instructions as I limped weakly towards the door, fatigued from the poison and the recent ordeal.


"Here's what you're going to have to do. Go in, and address him by name to get his attention. then make the request to be cured of your poisoning. If he senses any fear, any insecurity, any emotion but confidence, he will kill you on the spot. He can read your aura, so you need to have an air of boldness about you, in the way you talk, walk, everything. Oh and one more thing, don't break eye contact with him once he looks at you, or he'll think you see him as a superior."


She put her hands on my shoulders, and looked into my eyes for a few seconds. Sadness and worry was written all over her face.

"Good luck Duncan."

"Thanks."


I needed to prepare myself for the challenge ahead of me, which seemed impossible, and incredibly easy at the same time. All I had to do was to be confident. The sound of drums surprised me, and I looked up to find several of the blue men playing bongo drums with their palms. The tribal beat got gradually faster as I approached the door, almost matching my racing heartbeat. I got to it and stopped, as Dean said a few words.

"You've got this Duncan, I know you can do this, just focus and you'll be fine." I nodded stoically.


Alright Duncan, be confident. I thought to myself. I can do this. I have everything under control. I'll just go in there and make my demand. I'll show this Spirit who's boss.
With my silent pep talk and Dean's encouraging words, I opened the door, not knowing what I would face 'not knowing what to face'on the other side.



Ok, the one problem with your writing is that you don't describe enough. Give us readers time to appreciate your work, rather than switching scenes every two seconds. By incorporating many, short battle scenes, it seems you want to put a lot of fighting and action. But trust me: one, very well described action scene, with feeling, emotion and suspense is worth much more than twenty three-lined fights.

The story is good though, the setting is interesting and I like your characters. Don't forget to give them depth, it's extremely important. There's work to do, but you aren't far.

Xx




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Hello again! :)

Ooooh, what's gonna be inside that door? ;) I found a little of this to be unrealistic though.

When Duncan first got stabbed, Sarah said he only had about three hours to live. Although here we are, where it seems like almost an entire day has gone by, and he still has enough strength to fight and climb a tree? I don't know, it just seems like he would've died by now.

That's pretty much my only complaint, even thought it's not really a complaint, because I'd be sad if Duncan died! This story is coming along really nicely. Great job.

~Amfli
GO TEAM TOXIC NUDIBRANCH! :D
Forever for All <3

MUSIC RULES! :)

Everyday is Earth Day! :D




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Again, getting right into it.
As we made our way to the centre of the forest, the attacks became more frequent. Wave after wave of blue tribals flung themselves without fear at us. Some held clubs made from large bones, and others carried spears as long as two metres, carved from tree branches. Many of them used bark for armor, which my sword pierced with ease, but others were entirely naked.

Pretty vicious enemies you have painted in this story (in more ways than one apparently). Just make sure you explain why they exist, or you're going to get the dreaded "what the heck was that for?" at the end.

We were just about to start climbing the tree, for Sarah was sure that it was this tree that held the Spirit, when more than thirty attackers fell from the surrounding trees. My vision blurred slightly and then returned to normal. The poison was not only killing me, but affecting my senses.


The twins were proving to be useful, felling foe after foe, occasionally switching to their crossbows to pierce armored enemies. Sarah was also holding her own, throwing handfuls of pain inducing sparks at anyone who came near her. I focused my attention on the task at hand. Dodging a spear thrust, I flung myself at the attacker, trying to get too close for him to spear me. His blood sprayed from his neck as I put my full weight into a sword swing. It dotted my shirt, and mingled with the paint he wore, turning it purple. The smell of sweat, blood, and jungle plants pervaded our noses, and the air was filled with war cries, and screams.

I absolutely adore the line about the blood mixing with the paint. Fantastic image! Use as many of those as possible. Also, you need to add more to your battle sequences. What ever happened to those wonderful fight scenes between Kyle and Graham? I know you can do it, so do it!

Standing directly between the four of us and the door was a seven foot tall suit of armor. Covered head to toe in gold trimmed steel armor, it was impossible to tell what it was that inhabited the armor, and although it was shaped like a man, we rethought that assumption when it talked.

Aaah, too many uses of the word 'armor'! Fix it!

"I am The Guardian of Mazama, proceed no further." Its voice was deep and metallic, and sounded terrifyingly inhuman.

NONE SHALL PASS! haha, just thought of that when I read this line. Sounds pretty intense! :D

"Fool! Your weapon does not frighten me," taunted The Guardian. The twins responded with two crossbow bolts to the face, which bounced off his thick armor, sending sparks flying, and filling the air with a metallic clang. The Guardian charged, unsheathing an incredibly large sword, that was almost as tall as he was. Having little room to dive out of the way on such a small platform, the twins froze in indecision. Sarah acted quickly to distract The Guardian, by tossing a large handful of powder at him, that quickly ignited into a plume of flame. He was unharmed, but ceased his charge in order to slam his massive hand into Sarah's chest at full force. She slid across the wooden platform swiftly, hanging on to the edge for dear life, as her body hung out above empty space for more than a hundred feet down. My vision blurred again, and for several seconds I saw stars.


When my vision returned, I looked back to see what had happened to Sarah. The twins were helping her up, and as I turned back toward the trunk of the tree, I only had a split second to wonder where The Guardian was. As it turned out, he was mere metres away from me, and I dived quickly to the left. His foot shook the platform, landing where I had been split seconds before. I rolled to evade his sword, which stabbed heavily into the wooden plank slightly to my right. Executing a shoulder roll between his legs, I slashed forcefully at the armor directly behind his kneecaps. The sound of the impact reverberated loudly, sounding less like a clang, and more like a bass drum to my distorted hearing. Once again the world around me began to spin, and as I leapt to the right, I prayed that I would be able to evade the enemy I now could not see.


Luckily, the sword swung at the area I had been moments before, shaving large splinters from the wooden floor, and cooling my forehead with a breeze. When the world stopped rotating, and my vision snapped back to its normal state, I began to see sparks flying in every which direction. Some of them were due to the powder that Sarah was chucking violently at The guardian, and others because of the crossbow bolts ricocheting off his almost impregnable armor. I seized this opportunity to attack. With a running start, I leapt agilely onto his gargantuan back, plunging my sword into the narrow break in his armor between his helmet and his breastplate. The blade stuck through the other side of his neck, and after letting out a terrifying roar, he fell to the ground with a crash. I landed on top of him heavily, and for a moment simply laid there on my stomach, listening to my breathing, which was unnaturally fast. Sarah and the twins rushed over to me, wearing concerned looks on their dirty faces. I sat up slowly and painfully, my heart pounding at my chest like a sledge hammer.

Much better fight sequence, but I still feel like it was over too quickly. Shouldn't the Guardian of Mazama be a little more formidable? Just wondering.

We all looked back towards the ancient wooden door as I climbed to my feet. I pulled my sword from the neck of the creature I had just slain, pulling off its helmet out of curiosity. A bald reptilian face with a bearlike teeth protruding from its mouth stared dully at the ground with eyes as grey as storm clouds. The blood on my sword was a light shade of purple.

Pretty good creature description :D

The twenty blue men still laid prostrate in a two lines, having not moved at all over the course of the fight. I expected them to jump up and attack us, but they seemed more concerned with paying homage to an unseen entity, and didn't ever move.

Good, good. Character and consistency!

"Here's what you're going to have to do. Go in, and address him by name to get his attention. then make the request to be cured of your poisoning. If he senses any fear, any insecurity, any emotion but confidence, he will kill you on the spot. He can read your aura, so you need to have an air of boldness about you, in the way you talk, walk, everything. Oh and one more thing, don't break eye contact with him once he looks at you, or he'll think you see him as a superior."

Or, HE WILL STEAL YOUR FACE! haha. Seriously though, this reminds me a lot of Kho from Avatar (The Last Airbender, not the James Cameron craziness. Although you've got a warrior, a chick, and a bunch of freaky blue people. Hmm...). Good setup though, I like it! Sarah seems to know a lot about this spirit for never having seen it though. Just food for thought.

She put her hands on my shoulders, and looked into my eyes for a few seconds. Sadness and worry was written all over her face.

If you use the expression 'written all over x face' one more time I'mma kill you! SHOW, NOT TELL! Just put the cabosh on that expression right now and I never want to see it again! It's lazy writing.

The sound of drums surprised me, and I looked up to find several of the blue men playing bongo drums with their palms. The tribal beat got gradually faster as I approached the door, almost matching my racing heartbeat.

I like the drums! Adds ambience.

Overall, pretty decent chapter. Just look over the stuff I said, and I bet it'll be even better!
Would you kindly?




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Ooh, the description and characterization was much better here! The fight scenes were fun to read and folks talking to one another! Joy! Rapture! Definitely a marked improvement from the previous ones.

Duncan seems to be doing pretty good for himself for a guy who's been poisoned though. I mean, I know he has Dean there to help him balance out a bit, but seriously, aside from the occasional blacking out he's doing, he seems to be handling himself okay. I'd like to see a little more deterioration. With so many of these things attacking them, one would think he would start to wear down a bit at some point or another. What kind of toll is this really taking on him? He ends up being able to fight the Guardian almost single-handedly, really without any help from Dean, seeing as how Dean is occupied. Isn't this messing up his body? Wouldn't he be in serious danger here? I want to feel some of that danger!

Some of the problem here is by making the threat bigger (like the waves of the tribal guys attacking constantly), you're actually making it less effective and less frightening. Your characters are being able to hold off hordes of these guys while injured and come out not all that worse for wear. It means those tribal guys are either really weak or your characters are really strong. I'm pretty sure it's not that the tribal guys are weak. But because there are so many of them and they aren't really doing any good, we start to get numb to them. They don't hold the same fear because they're just like so much sand to be swept away under the rug, as opposed to a legitimate threat.

Show these characters struggling. Not just being injured and muscling on, but legitimately having trouble. Maybe one of them gets stabbed in the leg and can't walk, so they're reduced to just stabbing at the tribal guys' kneecaps and shins, trying to keep from being stabbed by spears. And the others try to protect them and drag them along and that leads to open backs that get poked at and they can't move forward because they're being pressed from all side and one of them trips and opens up a huge weakness, etc. etc. They're having real trouble here. It's real danger. And it only backs away because they venture into something even more dangerous.

I liked this chapter quite a bit though. It was nice seeing everyone working together as a team and growing closer because of it. Very nice.

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.



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