It was over quickly

To those of you who know me, I want you to know, I didn’t want this for myself. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Don’t worry though, it didn’t hurt. It was over quickly. I wasn’t scared.
If I could, these are the words I would write to all those I left behind. I keep thinking these words over and over again. It didn’t hurt. It was over quickly. I wasn’t scared. These words I would stress. It’s funny though, these words are the lies.
The night it happened, I was coming home from play practice. I was frustrated, as understudy to the lead in community theater, I had expected an understudy night, however, the director was second-guessing this decision. I voiced my frustration to my ride home, Megan, who had an unfortunate habit of driving and face-booking at the same time. This made me nervous, and I put on my seat-belt, but today I wasn’t in the mood to quibble about her driving habits. It was past nine-o’clock on a spring night, and the deer were out. I could see their eyes glowing in the bushes. I turned to her to tell her to watch the road, and as she responded, one ran across the highway. I screamed, and she jumped, swerving into the forest. We missed the dear, but hit a tree. One of the branches crunched through the window and pierced Megan’s throat. Blood welled up and oozed down her white tee shirt. Her eyes turned glassy and dull. She gurgled. Horrified and disoriented, I tried to turn away. My neck didn’t turn, and I realized that I probably shouldn’t be trying to move. I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to see Megan. I haven’t opened them voluntarily sense.
I woke up in the hospital some three months later. Barely conscious, I became aware of the terrible weight of my body. I couldn’t move, not even to open my eyes. I panicked. If I could have made a sound, I would have woken the dead. But I couldn’t. My heart-rate rose though, and a nurse came to check on me. She called a doctor, and he opened my eyes.
The pity I saw in his face is so embedded in my consciousness that God himself cannot erase it. He spoke to me, telling me what happened. He told me I was paralyzed. The condescending tone he used made me want to scream, but sense this first day, I have learned to tolerate it. Not that I have much choice. My parents took me home that day. I haven’t left this house sense. My friends eventually stopped coming. My parents have even lessened their visits. There is a TV in my room, and if my eyes are cooperating, I can watch it. However, they like to lean to the left. I would ask someone to move it the TV, but they cannot hear me.
The sorrow in their eyes is sometimes overthrown by their disgust of my condition, you see, I have no control of my bowls and sometimes shit myself. After I was potty-trained they expected to never have to do that again. However, I can find enough goodness left in my God-forsaken heart to forgive them for their repulsion. After all, in her last seconds of life I hated Megan, and tried to turn away.

Hey there!

I think this story has potential - it just needs fleshing out a bit. At the moment, we get a good sense of the MC at the start of the story, with the pieces of background information before and during the drive home. But then when we find out she's paralysed, the emotion seems too subdued. If I were in her position, I'd be absolutley terrified and a part of me would feel like I didn't want to go on - that maybe, I'd rather be dead. I want to read the conflict inside her head. Does she hate her friends for not coming over anymore? Does she feel sorry for her parents because they have to look after her? Is she angry at herself for getting in the car with Megan when she knew Megan wasn't the most capable driver? Does she wish she could go back and walk home instead? I think if you added more details like the ones I've mentioned above, the reader will be able to really understand what she's going through. At the moment, it's almost as if she's scared and then she's suddenly resigned to the fact that she's paralysed. Isn't she angry that she's never going to get her old life back? Make the reader feel what she feels.

I did spot a few things while I was reading.

It didn’t hurt. It was over quickly. I wasn’t scared.

Maybe these words should be in italics so the reader knows for sure that these are the words she's thinking.

I was frustrated, as understudy

I think the comma would be better as a semi colon.

haven’t opened them voluntarily sense.

'sense' should be 'since'

and a nurse came to check on me.

If her eyes are shut, how did she know it was a nurse? Did she hear the nurse muttering to themself? Did she hear shuffling footsteps come into the room? As she can't see, you can't really use sight to describe the story to the reader. This is where you should pick up another of the five senses to describe the story to the reader.

He spoke to me,

As you mentioned God in the previous sentence, I wasn't sure whether you were referring to the doctor or God here. As I assume it's the doctor, I'd add in 'The doctor' instead of 'He'

but sense this

'since'

I haven’t left this house sense.

'since'

My parents have even lessened their visits.

This doesn't make sense to me. How can they stop visiting her? They're her parents! It's not like she got herself paralysed on purpose, just to spite them. Besides, she can't feed herself or bathe or use the bathroom, so they HAVE to visit her. Maybe write how they spend less time with her on their visits to her room or how she can sense that they find it awkward around her because they can't believe the daughter they once had is gone. That she knows they must be frustrated like her.

of my condition, you see

The comma would be better as a full stop, seperating this into two sentences.

sometimes shit

I think 'soil' would seem less 'in your face' and would fit with the piece a little more.

***
So, it won't take much to make this piece great. Just a little more fleshing out like I've described above and it'll really make the reader think about what it would be like to have all of your independence taken away from you.

The ending really made me think and I think it was a smart way to end the piece, so that Megen wasn't forgotten. After all, she was the one driving the car and she died.

I hope this helps!

xDudettex

Hey there, Flyer! Congratulations, this is my 700th review. ^^

Dudette's already don a bunch of nit-pick-ish stuff, so I'm not going to do anything like that--but I do have one technical suggestion I'd like to make before getting on to the meat of the review: try reading this piece out loud. Sometimes the prose feels kind of choppy, and it would be lovely if you could smooth it out a little bit and make it read easier.

Over all, I really think this piece has a lot of potential. You have a great opening. I love the conversational tone, and how personal it makes things--It drew me in and made me really want to read more, which is exactly what an opening should do. I also think you had a nice conclusion. As Dudette said, I was glad you brought Megan back into things; it made the story into a nice circular shape that connected back where it started and put things in perspective. I also thought you did a pretty good job of describing the panic and disgrace of being paralyzed--I could almost feel goosebumps on my arms during the second to last paragraph. Well done!

My main problem with this piece was the third paragraph. It's a whole lot of telling, and not much showing, and it feels rather like a huge infodump--you're just trying to give the reader all the information they need, and it doesn't really seem to matter to you how that information is given. I highly recommend you 1) take out a lot of the information, 2) slow down a little while you're given so that it reads more like an experience and less like a list, or 3) both of the above.

Consider this: what is the point of the story? Now ask yourself how much information is actually necessary in order for you to reach your goal. Does the reader need to know that the main character was coming from a rehearsal? If you want to keep this story short (which, personally, I think you should), you'll have to find what's most important and get rid of pretty much everything else so you can really focus on that.

Right now, the part where Megan dies doesn't seem very important because it's sort of buried inside a massive lump of other (relatively un-important) information in that paragraph. I think this is an excellent example of what I was just saying; if you trim down the rest of that paragraph, and beef up the part where Megan dies (with lots of imagery and emotion and the like), then it would make her death a more obviously important part of the story. Get what I mean? Also, I'd suggest making her death be in its own paragraph, but that's just personal preference really.

I also wonder if you could capitalize a little more on the (lack of) relationship between the main character and Megan. From what you've said, it doesn't seem like they were really close friends or anything, right? So the irony is that she's a huge part of your main character's life after the car crash--right? Well, I think you could make that more obvious. Make your MC think about that, maybe. Or marvel at how someone she didn't really even know could be so important to her now. And I'd also love to see you bring the deer back in the end. After all, the deer got away unharmed, didn't it? I'd love to see you make that bigger.

All in all, you've got some good stuff going for you here--but I think you need to prioritize. Decide what you're really trying to say and try not to say anything else.

PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions or want to talk about any of this.


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