When Thirteen Died

AN: This a short poem about Columbine dedicated to the memory of the victims. It is a part of a larger project for school and I would appreciate any critiques. Thank you.

The trees were blooming, green and pink.
A spring breeze, warm and refreshing, flew.
It was a day like any other.
Students filed into classes,
the day that thirteen died.
Their lifeless bodies, caked with blood and bruises,
lie strewn across school grounds -
carpets, sidewalks get a taste of stains
never to be washed out.
Their loved ones, ever changed,
the promise, the talent they carried,
forever shattered.
There are two that lie beside them,
guns in their limp hands.
They were murders, pyschopathic
but they were just kids
like the rest of us, pushed over the edge.
Nothing will ever be the same,
since the day that thirteen died.

One quick critique so I dont forgot! Murders should be murderers. Ah, now that thats done. I would like to say that I really like this poem. I've studied up a lot on Columbine, not for school, but simply to know what happened and what people went through. If you ever get the chance to watch the movie Elephant, do. It's about that specific event and is a pretty good independent film, definitely not for the weak hearted though. You have a lovely piece here that I think a lot of the people in the accident would have been proud to have read =] Thanks for dedicating this to them.

Oh...Um. Wow. *Tries hard not to gush* Ok. Anyway, I really like how this poem just kind of creeps up on you. You start out in an innocent enough fashion but hid us over the head with the truth. I'm afraid I don't know the event you're talking about but maybe that's for the better, so I can look at other aspects of the poem.

The trees were blooming, green and pink. No comma!
A spring breeze, warm and refreshing, blew.
It was a day like any other. This part seems a bit shoved in. It's necessary information, I know, but it's like putting a rock in a stream and interrupting the flow. I would try to put it after the X.
Students filed into classes, X
the day that thirteen died.
Their lifeless bodies, caked with blood and bruises,
lie strewn across school grounds -
carpets, sidewalks get a taste of stains
never to be washed out.
Their loved ones, ever changed,
the promise, the talent they carried,
forever shattered.
There are two that lie beside them,
guns in their limp hands.
They were murders, pyschopathic,
but they were just kids
like the rest of us, pushed over the edge.
Nothing will ever be the same,
since the day that thirteen died.

It's hard to review stories as sad as this... Oh well. You did a good job. The flow was good and you got a good image across.

Here as requested, Ellie.

For a school project, I'm sure this is fine, and I'm sure you'll get a decent grade on this. But as far as actual poetry and your own standards, I think there's some room for improvement. I'm going to make this short and succinct, because I think you've gotten enough reviews from me to understand what I'm talking about.

1.) Rhythm. Find one. In the beginning they're all short, choppy sentences, and then you always break lines at commas, and I just can't find a poetic flow in this. Take out the line breaks and put it in one big paragraph-- it reads like prose, which isn't want you want.

2.) Since it reads like prose, you need to expand on these images. "Lifeless bodies", "ever changed", "forever shattered", "pushed over the edge", "nothing will ever be the same"-- these have all been used before, and none of them give us a picture as to the people involved in this tragedy. What exactly do the bodies look like or remind bystanders of? How are their loved ones ever changed-- what does it feel like to lose someone like that? Saying they're murderers and psychopaths tells us nothing-- how did their minds operate, how do you think they saw what they were doing? Why, exactly, will nothing ever be the same? We have the event here, the cause-- the shooting --but explain the effect.

If this is supposed to be pretty short, focus on a couple of the above and really explore them rather than just grazing through superficial descriptions. Besides the fact that trees rarely bloom pink, find a more interesting first line. Find more interesting phrases to use, more interesting adjective-noun pairings. The common theme of this critique is that you need to find a way to distinguish this poem from every other poem about people dying-- and trust me, there have been a lot. Give us images that'll bounce around in our brains. For examples, you know where to look-- Kamas, Jagged, Galerius, Navita, Kylan, etc. Take note of the type of words they use.

Anyway, good luck with the assignment!

~Evi

Hey Elidarling. :) Sorry it took me so long to get here, but I am here and I hope I can help you out, at least a little. I haven’t read the other reviews, so if I say what they said, then I apologize and will try again!

Within the first three lines, I got hit with arrhythmia. This needs to be fixed, even if it’s free verse. Just a basic understanding of how you want your flow to work should be enough, but I know you well enough to know that you want more than just the essential—try to smooth out your edges because it’s jarring as it is, almost as if you have a filler line or two, which isn’t a good representation of your ability. Let’s look at this:

The trees were blooming, green and pink.
A spring breeze, warm and refreshing, flew.
It was a day like any other.
Students filed into classes,
the day that thirteen died.

This segment is fairly issue-ridden to me for a number of reasons. You want to paint as vivid a picture as possible, and your using elementary descriptors doesn’t do this justice. Consider specifying your trees—are they elms? Birches? Symbolize here—find a tree symbolic of death or mourning or resurrection or something nature-orchestrated for this (but make sure it blooms green and pink). I don’t like your using “flew” to describe the breeze because air doesn’t exactly fly. In fact, it blows or sits. And you rarely hear anything else, probably for a good reason. If this is you being experimental, then keep at it—more power to you; however, you may want to consider having a safety here for logic’s sake. Eliminate the comma after “Students filed into classes”.

“It was a day like any other” is so bland; it belongs in prose, and not an ode to the tragedy that happened that day. You can eliminate this line and lose nothing from the poem at all.

You hit a good momentum further down, so I won’t be quite as picky. “Ever changed” should be hyphenated. Put a long dash (—) after “ever-changed” as well to separate the thoughts, or else you have a run-on sentence. A semi-colon or period/capital would be good, too.

A quick note here—make sure that you have only one tense in the poem. As it stands, you’re changing between past and present a little. I think past would work better, but that’s personal taste for something like this.

I’d like to see this changed as such, but you can play with it however you like.

They were murderers—psychopathic—
but they were just kids

And then your ending feels a teensie bit abrupt; but again, it works.

I liked it, Eli! I’m sure your grade will be great for this, as you have some killer talent.

Keep at it and let me know if you have any questions.

-Lumester

Hello! I haven't read the other reviews so please forgive me for any repetitions but right, let's get started.

First off, good, strong title. And I liked that it started cool and calm and then suddenly broke the news. That's a good bit of atmosphere. However, I think you could be quicker about it. I'd like to see those first four lines reduced to two or three as I did start to wonder when the action would happen. Also, I think you could choose some stronger images for it. Something a little more specific as what you have right now is real basic, simple lines. I think you can do better than that.

The trees were blooming, green and pink.
A spring breeze, warm and refreshing, flew.
It was a day like any other.
Students filed into classes,
the day that thirteen died.
Their lifeless bodies, caked with blood and bruises, [You're making your reader work too hard. This is again very rudimentary description so it doesn't build enough sense of atmosphere. You need to print a firm, shocking image in your reader's mind. Maybe choose one body, just one to describe and change this from a number to a person. To a real person who used to breathe, who used to smile with his brace covered teeth and who used to breathe through the chest that's now flooded with blood. Details are really important and the smaller they are, the more they matter.]
lie strewn across school grounds -
carpets, sidewalks get a taste of stains
never to be washed out. [I quite like the personification of the sidewalks etc.]
Their loved ones, ever changed,
the promise, the talent they carried,
forever shattered.
There are two that lie beside them,
guns in their limp hands. [I'd like more images here. This is an interesting turn that you've taken, choosing not to be angry with the murderers but rather sad. I like it. Makes for a refreshing change to all the angry, accusative poetry out there. I would, however like more exploration of it.]
They were murderers, pyschopathic
but they were just kids
like the rest of us, pushed over the edge.
Nothing will ever be the same,
since the day that thirteen died.

A good, solid ending. I commend you for writing this, it's a difficult subject to tackle and I think you made a good start but it's too distant. You need to really get in there and make your reader feel those powerful emotions that are hanging behind this piece. Don't feel afraid to make up a few details, to paint in what you didn't actually see because this poem doesn't have to be accurate, it's a reflection of the truth.

I hope this helps a little,

Heather xxx